February 08, 2010

What I Got for Christmas

Christmas was pretty sparse this year -- by necessity and choice -- as I'm sure it was for a lot of you. Of course, we bought gifts for my step daughters and niece and nephews. We're not monsters, for God's sake. And Husband and I bought each other stocking stuffers.

But I made a pact with everyone else I know -- "Don't get me anything, and I won't get you anything." Everyone was very agreeable. Which means that what I did get remains that much clearer in my memory.

And I can't believe I haven't showed you guys this stuff, yet. Look what Husband got me!

Yay! Girlie pirate gigabytes! Awesome.

But this is what really floored me.

Naughty nurse outfit! Can you believe that?! Something about this purchase makes me think that he secretly wants to play Barbies, too...

"Ready for your spongebath, Mr. Wenchie?"

And then THIS!

How did Husband know that Barbie Basics are, like, all the rage in the Barbie world this season?!

Here's a Top Model Barbie and a Milan Model Barbie doing what they do best -- modeling their new accessories!

Either he's been spending time with Joe behind my back, or he really IS gay from the waist up, as I've always said.

(Yes, I know there's a third possibility, but I shall just ignore the obvious and remain confident that Husband just knows my Barbie tastes really, really well.)

Posted by Pirate Wench at 05:47 PM | Comments (0)

February 04, 2010

Lunch Date

Yesterday before lunch, Meg, the office tart, brought a big muffin to PhD Boss' cubicle to "share." And "sharing," apparently, includes eating tiny pieces of muffin, licking her fingers, tossing her hair, and crossing and uncrossing her legs.

The body language was unmistakable, and PhD was riveted. They laughed and whispered like they were on their third date and they both knew that sex was inevitable. See, Meg is currently off-again with her on-again-off-again boyfriend, so she was in need of some male attention.

Finally, they wrapped up their pre-mating ritual, just as I was prepping for my lunch date with Bobbi. A woman. Whom I always call "Bobbi the Girl" when I talk to Husband, so he doesn't think I'm lunching every week with some guy.

PhD: Wenchie, can you come over here for a minute?

PW: Fine. But when my phone rings, I'm outta here. So make it quick.

PhD: You know that meeting on March 4th? Did you reserve a room for that?

Phone: *ring* *ring*

PW: Later. [answers phone] Okay, I'll be right down.

PhD: So what're you doing for lunch? You wanna go get lunch?

PW: ... Noooooooo. I have plans.

PhD: With who?

PW: Bobbi.

PhD: Who's Bobbi?

PW: My boyfriend.

PhD: Oh.

PW: Besides, the way you were eating up Meg, I 'm surprised you're even hungry for lunch.

PhD: [audible intake of breath] Wow.

Uh-huh. That's right. I don't "share" my muffin.

Posted by Pirate Wench at 08:57 AM | Comments (2)

February 01, 2010

The Giving Never Stops

Your green nail polish is waiting for you, Miss V. Whenever shall I see you again?

It's called "Lime Lights!"

And because Miss V. loves dark humor...

At work, Alpha has been trying to to figure out what gifts Head Boss should bring on his tour of all the important world religious leaders next month. (No, I'm totally serious. Head Boss has met ALL of Jeebus' rock stars. Yes, they let me work with important, holy people. Can you believe it?!)

For the Pope's gift, I suggested, "a nice burning-heretic-scented candle."

And then I remembered that Alpha is Catholic.

D'oh!

Hey, at least I didn't suggest one that smells like a boys' locker room. Because THAT would've been over the edge.

Posted by Pirate Wench at 06:24 AM | Comments (2)

January 28, 2010

P to the W to the... That's All I Got

I discovered that, while I have many things in my house that begin with the letter P, I have very few that begin with the letter W. A startling revelation, indeed.

I am referrring, of course, to Vicki's request that I post "a photo spread of things that begin with the letters P and W."

Your wish is my command, fair Vicki! Let's start with P for Pirate and...

Plate! You guys, I'm Scandinavian. Of COURSE, I collect Royal Copenhagen. I got at least a dozen of these plates.

Polar bear! My Royal Copenhagen collection is not limited to plates. I also have a RC bunny!

Pirate minis! Weird that I'm not a gamer, and yet I own three minis. (Not pictured: Legolas.) In retrospect, I should have put a nickel in the photo so you could see how truly miniscule these things are. They stand less than an inch tall!

Pussywillows! You would not believe how old these things are. They're from a tree long since gone, that stood behind the neighbors' garage at my parents' old house... where I have not lived for twenty-one years. Assuming they don't turn to dust before then, I'm having these pussywillows buried with me.

Now for the things that start with the same letter as Wenchie...

Watch! I'm kind of impressed at what a nice picture my camera took.

Wheat! Is it weird that I have wheat in an antique bottle as decor? Heather is having a stroke just looking at this photo.

Woodcuts! I like leaves. I have no idea where I found these. Probably the flea market.

Wonder Woman! Last, but certainly not least.

I hope you've enjoyed today's tour of Wenchie's Alphabet. Today's blog brought to you by the letters P and W, and by the number sixty-nine. Tee-hee!

Posted by Pirate Wench at 06:36 AM | Comments (1)

January 25, 2010

My 2,000th Comment!

Vicki posted my two-thousandth comment!

And isn't that a weird word -- thousandth? It has a N-D-T-H all in a row. That seems odd and like I'm speaking Elvish or something. (That's the language of the Elves, not Elvis with a speech impedement.)

What were we talking about? Oh yeah. Here's the formal, heartfelt, congratulatory announcement that I sent to Vicki:

Well, well, well. What have we here? It's a little mamasita named Vicki who just happens to be the author of WENCHIE'S 2000th COMMENT!!!

You know what this means! Or maybe you don't, I don't know. It's been a hella long time since my 1,500th comment. You can read about them all here.

Tell her what she's won, Don!

1. A photo spread of whatever you wanna see (within FCC guidelines, you sick bitch).

2. To ask me any question in the universe, and I will answer it, completely and truthfully, right here in my blog, for all the world to see.

3. Because you are the 2,000th commenter, you may make any request of me that you wish. Any desire, any belonging, any favor, any thing -- it's yours for the asking.

So whaddaya say to that?

After a day's thought, this is what Vicki said to that:

1. I would like a photo spread of things that begin with the letters P and W.

Okay, now, that's funny. Gimme a couple weeks to work on that.

2. My question is: WHere does your refined wit and fantastic humor come from? Do you cultivate it, like a beloved garden, or is it pure God-given talent? Do you draft out posts? Or just publish off the cuff? (ok, that's 3 questions)

Um... yes? I was unaware that I posessed "refined wit" and "fantastic humor," but now that you've enlightened me, I'm certainly not going to saddle God with the responsibility.

My Dad thinks that introducing my Mom as "my first wife" is the height of comedic pizzazz, so it's probably not him. My Mom is pretty freakin' funny, especially in writing, but I think it would be mean to lay my anger-fueled, expletive-laced word-vomit at her feet.

My official answer is -- the people in my head. Seriously, I don't know where this stuff comes from. Things just pop into my head, and since I have little or no brain-to-mouth filter, they just come unbidden to my lips. Or keyboard. Whatever.

Believe me, if I were going to carefully cultivate a particular brand of humor, it would not be this one. You have NO IDEA how much trouble I get in, how routinely I have people tell me that they don't get my jokes. I am a freak of nature, legitimized only by my anonymous blog and dozen or so fans.

Some of my posts come out completely intact and need very little revision from me. That is, they get very little revision from me. Anything that's an angry rant about a particular person or event is definitely "off the cuff." So is anything that's a conversation -- I.M. or face-to-face.

The rest take writing and re-writing and sometimes leaving for two years and coming back to, or eventually just dumping. And sometimes that's because I'm not feeling it as much as when I started, and sometimes it's just time constraints. Sometimes I'll get three or four ideas in one week; sometimes I'm hoping someone will do or say anything remotely interesting -- or rage-inducing -- because I'm tapped out. Throw me a bone, Universe!

This post? Off-the-cuff. Like you couldn't tell.

3. Favor? Duh - you, me, Heather - next Twilight movie we go together. YOu can buy the popcorn.

Well, duh, indeed. Shall I get us each our own bag? Or should we get one big bag and make Heather sit in the middle and hold it on her lap, so we can "accidentally" graze her boob when we reach for it?

These are my wishes!!

As you wish, my dear.

As you wish.

Posted by Pirate Wench at 06:19 AM | Comments (3)