March 15, 2010

Penny for Your Thoughts?

A year ago or so, at work, they built a desk in the lobby of our building. They made sure it was manned from 7:30 a.m. until 5:30 p.m. And they bought this huge, elaborate security system that involves guest registration and photo I.D.s and uniformed guards. People, if you didn't scan your card every time you came or went from the building; if you didn't fill out the proper form for anyone who was coming to see you -- it was LIFE OR DEATH!!!

Then the economy took a dump, they fired the person at the front desk, and now they're all security-schmecurity. Kinda makes us scratch our heads and wonder -- if the Security System of Ages Past was so goddamn IMPERATIVE, are we safe... now?

The answer is no. No, we are not safe. Any bag of crazy can wander around our building unimpeded.

Case in point: Penny.

Or Crazy Penny, as she came to be known.

Penny showed up in our department, quite unannounced, which, in and of itself, isn't insane. People often come by and say Hello to Head Boss when they're in the building for a meeting. Head Boss is probably the most awesome person in all of Christendom. Alpha is constanting fielding people who just want to bask in the glow that is Head Boss for a couple minutes.

So imagine Alpha's surprise when Penny announced that she was here looking for "that man who was at Jeebus Advocacy Days two years ago."

Alpha cocked her head like a dog and was like, "You mean PhD Boss?"

"Maybe... How old is PhD Boss?"

"Uh... forty."

And Crazy Penny was all, "But he looks much younger, right? Really sharp dresser?"

And Alpha was like, "Um... yes?"

Well, thank God it wasn't ME talking to Crazy Penny because I would have been laughing hysterically by that point. Women of all walks of life just FLOCK to PhD Boss. It never fails to amuse me, and Alpha was geniunely stymied. PhD Boss -- young-looking and well-dressed?! Dude can't even match his socks to his pants!

Anyway, Alpha explained that PhD Boss was out of the office that day, and that should have been the last of Penny. But it turned out she had a meeting in the building THE NEXT DAY, but she just came into the building a day early to wander around and talk to people.

Sorry -- to talk at people. Penny handed Alpha her "business card," i.e. a penny. An actual copper penny. That's all, just a penny. And then she proceded to explain the Alpha -- who hadn't asked -- how she came to be named Penny when her parents were both Swedish so she should have been named Helga or something but blah blah luck blah blah red hair blah blah OH MY GOD.

Crazy Penny talked until Alpha's eyes glazed over. And believe me -- Alpha loves a good chat session as much as the next hen! But Alpha never got a word in edgewise because Penny, apparently, has gills and didn't need to pause to inhale.

Now, I realize that we work at a church-y organization. But the operative word in that sentence is work. Do you see a 40-cup, stainless steel coffee urn on my desk? No. Do you see a plastic tray of Jewel Bake Shop cookies? No. Because it ain't Sunday morning, and this ain't yo mama's Fellowship Hour!

I am trying to convert sea shells and pieces-of-eight to American dollars for PhD boss' expense report and where the fuck did this guy go last month anyway?! Jeebus, Mary and Joseph, we are not Passing the Peace at this moment, Penny! God A. Mighty!

Moral of the Story: Do NOT laugh at your receptionist and/or rent-a-cop, people! This is what happens when you don't have anyone at the front desk!

Posted by Pirate Wench at 07:41 PM | Comments (0)

March 04, 2010

Say Yes to Crack

My new BFF's name is Carole.

I don't know who she is or where she lives, or why in the hell she reads my blog (I'm pretty sure she's not a friend of my Mom), but Carole read one of the top ten best websites of all time -- Go Fug Yourself -- and recognized a Wenchie shout-out!

AND?! Carole emailed it to me! Which is more than the rest of you sad sacks ever do!

I'm mentioned in the same paragraph as Courtney Love and Raging Conjunctivitis! It's a dream come true! (For the full article -- and full photo -- go here.)

Pirate Wench: Inspiring celebrities since 2005!

I could not be more pleased. Or cracked out. And now, Carole and I are gonna go to Macy's and try on couture dresses that we have no intention of buying.

Posted by Pirate Wench at 08:50 PM | Comments (0)

March 02, 2010

Easter Pastels & Lasagna Blues

Yes, I know it's Lent. How do I know? Because of all the annoying people at work who have given up

a. chocolate,
b. desserts,
c. carbination, and/or
d. caffiene

and won't shutthefuckup about it.

Hey, martyrs. I once read a thing called The Bible, and it says that, when you fast, you're not supposed to eat ash or rend your garments or complain all damn day about how much you want what you gave up. You didn't hear Jeebus bitching in the dessert, did you?!

[If a savior bitches in the middle of the dessert, does he make a sound?]

So, yeah, it's Lent, but I'm going to blog about Easter anyway because it's prettier than Lent and involves actual baskets full of chocolate.

I went to Target at lunch and then IMed Heather afterwards.

PW: god, there was so much pastel Eastery goodness at Target!
PW: I was bewitched!
PW: because I am gay

H: adorably so.
H: didn't see any high-waisted alexander mcqueen skirts, perchance/

PW: um, didn't look
PW: there were BUNNIES

H: ha.

PW: seriously
PW: cute bunnies
PW: like cute RUSTIC bunnies
PW: on tan canvas with muted pastel flowers and butterflies
PW: needless to say, I spent $50 on cute Easter shit

H: you're adorable, have I told you that often enough?

PW: awwwwwwww, am I rustic-pastel-bunny adorable?

H: yes, yes you are!

PW: so there's leftover food here AGAIN
PW: and I put some lasagna on my plate
PW: and then some salad because people were probably watching and judging
PW: and then I saw...
PW: PIZZA BREAD!
PW: like, pizza foccacia bread!
PW: and I was like "fuck this lasagna and salad! MORE PIZZA BREAD!"
PW: but I coudln't put back what I already took
PW: so now I'm gonna have to discreetly dump this and go get more pizza bread

H: ha.
H: I would totally dump it right there in front of people.

PW: there weren't even people in the room
PW: that's how lame I am
PW: I just felt like, it would be my luck for me to be putting it back, and someone would walk in

And then the conversation ended awkwardly when Heather disappeared from I.M.

Kinda like now.

Posted by Pirate Wench at 05:39 PM | Comments (2)