August 31, 2004
List of Five: The Crossover Edition
Okay, I'm not a lesbian; I am, however, capable of appreciating women aesthetically. So in the spirit of fairness (and taking male friends to their Happy Place momentarily), I thought I should list the five women I wouldn't kick outta my bed for eating crackers.
Lucy Lawless: A.k.a. Xena. I also wouldn't kick her outta my bed for spanking me with her chakram.
Milla Jovovich: Sure, you think she's just another pretty face, judging by the bajillions of magazines and ads she's been in. But she's also a darn good actress, as demonstrated by the power and vulnerability she shows in both "The Fifth Element" and "Messenger". There's so many elements, to this woman, I could go on and on and on…
Drew Barrymore: Ooooh, who can resist the combination of classic beauty and freak?
Eliza Dushku: I have Faith that she's not really a bimbo. She's nasty, in the best possible sense of the word.
Liv Tyler: Okay, she's ridiculously, ethereally beautiful. But doesn't she seem just a little bit goofy, like the kinda gal you could totally pal around with? Have over for manicures and movies, have some wine, put on your pajamas, cuddle up on the futon ... have to go now...
(And as a bonus, here's My Happy Place.)
August 30, 2004
I'm Achin' for Your Icon
In my perusing of LiveJournal.com, I find myself very interested in people's icons. Some of them are photos, some are cute drawings, some are, frankly, a little frightening. It's fascinating to see what little 1”x1” doo-dad people choose to represent themselves.
And I just want to ask everyone, “Why did you choose this particular whatever as your icon?”
And since I assume that everyone in the world is dying to know every little thing about me (SHUH!), I'll give you the (hopefully brief) story on mine.
Originally, mine was going to be a photo of a particular Barbie I put together. She has two long, blond braids and she's wearing, a short, red & black plaid skirt; a white blouse, tied up; a black bra; white knee socks; black loafers and black sunglasses; and she's carrying a book bag with two text books. I call her Naughty Catholic Schoolgirl Barbie. I know, I'm depraved.
But that was before John sent me my current logo and changed my life! I laughed, I cried, it became part of me!
See, John illustrates some of the coolest games ever, for those of you who don't know. And he asked me to send him some pictures of me, so he could immortalize me as a cartoon character in one of his games! (Altho', some would argue that I'm already a character.) Needless to say, I was giddy and honored! Of course, then he asked for some photos of me with my clothes on…
And voila! I'm a Vampire Slayer!
Glee! Now, since I have moved on from 1983, my glasses, in real life, aren't quite that big. However, in general, I'd say it's a pretty darn good likeness. Certainly got the boobs and legs right!
Be honsest, who's sexier with a crossbow: me or Hugh Jackman? Okay, you're right, it's Hugh Jackman. But I think I'm in the top 10, at least.
(By the way, I want this outfit for my birthday. You have two months.)
So what's your icon? Where did it come from? Why did you choose it?
August 27, 2004
List of Five
So, everyone knows about The List, right? The list of famous people you get to have sex with, should the opportunity arise, and your significant other/spousal unit can't get mad at you or divorce you or whatever.
I was talking about this with John because I'm concerned for him. His picks are all retrocessional, i.e. Audrie Hepburn circa 1950, so he has 0% chance of ever fulfilling his dreams. (As opposed to the 0.000000000000001% chance the rest of us have.)
For the sake of discussion, or mocking me openly, here are my Five:
Bruce Campbell: He has topped my list for the past 15 years, despite the restraining order. (I'm kidding! Sheesh.) From the first "Evil Dead", through "Brisco"," to "Bubba Ho Tep", it has been a pleasure to follow his career. And is it just me, or does he keep getting better-looking with age?
Joaquin Phoenix: He can make aliens believable. He can make you pity a power-hungry emperor. He can make you want to swap bodily fluids with a skank, despite the obvious risk of STDs. But it's him as the young, conflicted priest that really gets my panties wet.
Dominic Monaghan: It takes quite a man to take a roll like "Merry the Hobbit" and make it cool. But he did it. Now, my sister would argue that Billy Boyd as Pippin is the sexiest hobbit, but how can you argue with this? This boy is gonna snog you six ways from Sunday and leave you lame and broken. And you'll like it. Cheeky monkey, indeed.
Liam Neeson: Well, goddamn. Need I say more?
Owen Wilson: Doncha just feel like he's the kind of guy you could just hang with? And you'd never stop laughing? He's just a big ol' puddle o' cute! A gunny sack full of puppy-dogs!
Okay, enough of my drooling. I'm embarrassing myself.
(Unfortunately, my friendship with John disqualifies him from my list.)
Posted at 05:12 PM | Comments (0)August 26, 2004
Omaha Is Fun! Who'd've Thunk It? Part Two: The Wedding
Since no one you know got married, I'll won't bore you with too many details.
Venue: Outdoors, perfect weather.
Guests: Approx. 50-60
Service: Generic Christian, 15 min.
Music: Harpist
Bride: Fairy-tale Gorgeous
Groom: Adorable
Bridesmaids: Pretty, some of the nicest bridesmaids dresses I've seen
Groomsmen: Who cares?
Crying: The groom and his mother
Okay, interesting tidbits from the reception.
There were 10 single, 20-something guys there, as opposed to just 3 single, 20-something girls. Despite those odds, I would not have been one of the girls for all the Prozac in Hollywood. Instead of dancing, celebrating and socializing, as one tends to do at a friend's wedding, these yabbos were leaving the hall every 20 min. to get stoned in the parking lot. Nice, eh?
Not that I'm all high and mighty about pot. I don't partake myself, but I don't give a crap if you do. What I thought was tacky was leaving a friend's wedding reception over and over and over again. Did they really need all that weed to feel happy for their friend? Losers.
They just sat on their asses, despite the bride and groom's many attempts to get them on the dance floor. To make up for their lame-o buddies, I made my three teenaged cousins dance with me… for as many songs as wouldn't kill me. And we had fun, dammit! Too cool for school, I am not! And I learned something about Jeremy (15). He's a black woman trapped in a white boy's body.
And speaking of black people and dancing, I have a theory about DJs. They become DJs because they can't dance. The DJ was trying to lead us in the Electric Slide, and it just wasn't working. Now, I can do the Electric Slide. I've done it before, and quite well, for a white girl. But no one was able to follow this guy. He just had NO RHYTHM. My husband was like, "Is this in three or four?" I'm like, "Depends what measure we're in, apparently!"
So you know how the thing for receptions is to have disposable cameras on the tables for the guests to use? Yeah. There was no way I was fighting the urge to abuse that privilege. So with the help of Amy (17) and Dan the Marine, we got some very lovely candid bathroom shots. Nothing they're gonna get arrested at Walgreens for trying to develop, but just enough to be tasteless.
And speaking of tasteless, for the topper, Dan dropped trow and mooned the camera. Right next to the buffet table. “Would you like beef, chicken or sphincter?” Ewww. Thank God dinner was already over.
Nothing like a wedding reception to remind me of just how immature I can be!
(Don't worry, there is no Part Three!)
Omaha Is Fun! Who'd've Thunk It? Part One: The Area
Okay, when invited to a wedding in Omaha, I was like, “What? Omaha! Jesus H. mullet-headed Christ in a pick-up truck, why Omaha?!”
The answer being, “Cuz that's where the bride's ancient grandmother lives,” but that's neither here nor there.
The point is, Omaha is FUN! Not extreme-snowboarding-hookers fun, but I was taken aback by all there is to do!
First of all, our hotel ROCKED! And I thought so even after the Xanax for the flight wore off!
The suite was roomy and not hotel-ugly, and the service - holy crap! Free postage (I'm a postcard-sendin'-fool), free made-to-order breakfast, free cocktails every evening, and if you wanna go somewhere, you just tell the valet, and two seconds later, you're on your way! I want to live there.
Anyhoo, the hotel was right across the street from the Heartland of America Park, which is beautiful, and we took at gondola ride after dark. There's a huge fountain in the middle of the pond, and it lights up at night with all different colors. I'll repeat that for those of you who are on Xanax. We took a gondola ride in Omaha. I shit you not.
Also across the street was the Old Market. I would compare this to, say, the French Quarter in New Orleans. Lots of shops and places to eat, antique stores, cobblestone streets, flowers on the balconies, beautiful old buildings. Great place to just hang and gawk. I picked up some naughty pop-art from the 40's/50's, and some inappropriate, religious car-accessories for my parents' stocking stuffers.
I guess I also have to mention Omaha's Union Station, where Dad dragged us to. Surprisingly, I wasn't bored! The station itself is art-deco gorgeous. And in the museum, despite numerous signs warning us to stay off the exhibits, my Mom made me lie down on the tracks in front of an old locomotive and make like I was tied to the tracks for a photo op. The things I do for that woman.
Apparently, Omaha is home to one of the top five zoos in the country . Betcha didn't know that! I sure as hell didn't! They've obviously put a ton of money into it because some of the exhibits are just phenomenal. And they have long-term plans for the rest of them. I can't wait to check them out in a few years!
Yes, I think I will actually be going back to Omaha, Nebraska. On purpose. I'm a fan. An Omaha fan. Well, I guess there are worse things to be. Like a White Sox fan.
(Tune in tomorrow for: “Part Two: The Wedding”)
Posted at 04:23 PM | Comments (0)August 24, 2004
Poor John
As John mentioned, I met him at O'Hare last week. I'm now a professional at getting to the bar at the international terminal (although I'm not sure what that says about me…).
But it wasn't always that way.
I have many fears - canoes, flying, talking to strangers on the phone. But in providing John with company during his 4-hour wait, I had to face, not one, not two, but FOUR phobias!!!
[Granted, some are more likely than others to make me rock back and forth in a fetal position in a corner, hence the rating system. One is Makes Me Uncomfortable. Ten is I Need Drugs To Cope. Flying is a 10.]
Driving on the expressway - Level 1 Fear
Driving by myself to somewhere I hadn't driven to before - Level 7 Fear
Entering the airport (that's where the airplanes live!) - Level 2 Fear
Dealing with crowds - Level 5 Fear
And not only did I expertly accomplish my mission, but I got there without getting lost and, by the last leg, with a jaunty step! Yeah, yeah, no big whup for a normal person, but I'm a big weirdo. Learn that now, and we'll all have much more realistic expectations of me.
So there we were, gaming in full view of representatives from every flavor of the human race. Happily, there were only a few pitchfork- and torch-bearing villagers trying to dispel us satanists, and they were easily extinguished with my Sprite.
Okay, here's John and I playing Pirates of the Spanish Main:
“Now, this here is how far you can move each turn - two short. Three because you have the Helmsman.”
“Oooh, my Helmsman is a Pirate! Neato!”
“Uh-huh. And this number here is how much cargo you can hold, including crew.”
“I have the biggest ship! It took three cards to make!”
“Yes, that's nice. And these dice on your masts tell you how powerful your guns are.”
“They're so cute! Lookit the little flags!”
“Okay, I'm gonna go get another beer.”
Poor guy. I kicked his ass.
(Tune in tomorrow for: Omaha is fun! Who'd've thunk it?)
August 19, 2004
Techno-Geeks, I Bow to Thee
I got a new cell phone. Color screen. Small and shiney. Display on the inside and outside. Tons of features. I don't like it. I have become my mother, digging in my heels at advanced technology. (Mom has yet to master the cut & paste.)
There's just too much stuff! The instruction manual is four times as big as the phone! I don't need to check my stocks or know the time in Bangladesh or play gin rummy! I just want to dial and talk! And frankly, I don't even like doing that very much.
And these ring tones suck. They sound like that classical music set to a disco beat from the 70's. It's my own little Casio keyboard and drum machine, apparently. My old one had the 1812 Overture (a.k.a. “The Bad News Bears Theme”). I now had to settle for the generic “Latin” ring. It's the only one that wouldn't make me cringe in the middle of Target when The Husband calls to remind me to get shampoo. (Phone was Husband's doing, btw. He'll pay…)
And to add to my pile of gadgets, I just bought my very first digital camera! I'm quite tickled! And I'm assuming it'll be less bells-and-whistles-laden than my phone, although I'm hoping to find an x-ray vision feature.
I'm going to take my happy pills and read my camera instruction manual, and hopefully, the combination will take my mind off the flight to Omaha, NE (?!). But I'll give you that recap next week (she assured them, as if everyone were on the edge of their chairs).
Meantime, I should be going home to do laundry and pack for the trip, but am I? NoooOOOooo. Instead, I'm going to hang with Heather and watch some ”Freaks and Geeks”. Which you should do also.
Masturbation
Gotcha. Pervert. With a title like that, you were expecting a description of me, a mirror and my Hello Kitty! vibrator, no? Well, maybe another time. Right now, my blog is brand new, and I just feel the need to explain myself. Which rarely happens, so listen up.
I recently became reacquainted with a friend from high school, and we've been playing mad, blathering catch-up ever since. [**shameless plug alert!**] She is a web designer by trade and has her own website/blog.
The blog idea has always intrigued me, as writing and self-indulgence are two of my favorite things. But she gets the credit for tipping me over the edge into blogdom, the little minx.
I have another friend, you may know him, and he convinced me (read: begged me and plied me with gifties) to use LiveJournal so he could better communicate with (read: stalk) me.
Now, John is fairly well-known, and damn witty, so there are lots of people who actually care about what he has to say. Me, not so much. Seems like it would just be so much mental masturbation for me.
And there's the tie-in. Like masturbation, blogs are some good quality time spent with oneself, it doesn't hurt anybody, and -- contrary to popular belief -- you're not going to hell for it, so why not?! Yes, there's my whole motivation -- why not. Because it's there. Much like climbing Mt. Everest, only less chance of plummeting to one's death.
So there ya go. And if you've read this far, I thank you from the southwest corner of my heart because I'm pretty sure you're the only one!
August 18, 2004
Ten Guidelines for Livin' Well
(In no particular order…)
1. You don't have to be hungry to eat ice cream.
2. If something needs to be done, just shut up and do it.
3. Always say “please” and “thank you.”
4. Tip generously.
5. If it's cold and rainy out, nap.
6. It's okay to be geeky, nerdy and/or uncool.
7. You don't have to answer the phone.
8. Smile at people.
9. Use your turn signal.
10. Be the only one laughing.