August 27, 2004
List of Five
So, everyone knows about The List, right? The list of famous people you get to have sex with, should the opportunity arise, and your significant other/spousal unit can't get mad at you or divorce you or whatever.
I was talking about this with John because I'm concerned for him. His picks are all retrocessional, i.e. Audrie Hepburn circa 1950, so he has 0% chance of ever fulfilling his dreams. (As opposed to the 0.000000000000001% chance the rest of us have.)
For the sake of discussion, or mocking me openly, here are my Five:
Bruce Campbell: He has topped my list for the past 15 years, despite the restraining order. (I'm kidding! Sheesh.) From the first "Evil Dead", through "Brisco"," to "Bubba Ho Tep", it has been a pleasure to follow his career. And is it just me, or does he keep getting better-looking with age?
Joaquin Phoenix: He can make aliens believable. He can make you pity a power-hungry emperor. He can make you want to swap bodily fluids with a skank, despite the obvious risk of STDs. But it's him as the young, conflicted priest that really gets my panties wet.
Dominic Monaghan: It takes quite a man to take a roll like "Merry the Hobbit" and make it cool. But he did it. Now, my sister would argue that Billy Boyd as Pippin is the sexiest hobbit, but how can you argue with this? This boy is gonna snog you six ways from Sunday and leave you lame and broken. And you'll like it. Cheeky monkey, indeed.
Liam Neeson: Well, goddamn. Need I say more?
Owen Wilson: Doncha just feel like he's the kind of guy you could just hang with? And you'd never stop laughing? He's just a big ol' puddle o' cute! A gunny sack full of puppy-dogs!
Okay, enough of my drooling. I'm embarrassing myself.
(Unfortunately, my friendship with John disqualifies him from my list.)