October 27, 2004
A Story About What an Asshole I Am
Okay, enough of harshing everyone's buzz.
When I first started working here, Little Sister worked in the I.T. department along with Brother-In-Law (not her husband, but Older Sister's Husband), so I always ate lunch with the I.T. department. They are, by far, the coolest department in the whole company (which is not to say that my department isn't damn cool, but the overwhelming Southerners-to-Yankees ratio can often leave one... confused).
Let me put it this way. You know why I have AOL IM and games and complete internet access with no blocked sites on my work computer? Because the people downloading porn and trolling for hotties at work are all in I.T. They are overworked, underpaid, perverted, abused, bitter and vengeful, and I love them all dearly.
Soon after I started, the I.T. dept. got a new employee. His name is irrelevant because, the first time I saw him, I called him Doogie, and it stuck. He started eating lunch with us, natch.
When Doogie first joined us, he was a wiggly, eager, sweet little puppy, the youngest in the company. He would giggle a lot and admonish us for using our lunch hour to discuss the freaks that we work with. Then his girlfriend, too, came to work and eat with us. She soon became Mrs. Doogie, and she's even sweeter and more naïve than he.
Over the years, I'm proud to say, we have broken Doogie. He is no longer taken aback by my shameless flirting, but now grumbles impatiently when I try to make him blush. He has less hair and more butt. He can talk shit like a pro and hates every single person who has ever called the Help Desk. So basically, every single person.
Now let me tell you about Anne and Nicholle. We're the Pink Ladies on crack. Ever see "Kill Bill," where Lucy Liu's character is walking in slow motion down the hall, flanked by her bodyguard and personal assistant? Yeah, that's us, only Caucasian. And burlier. (I so want to live in a Quentin Tarantino film, but more on that another time.) We're your typical nightmare, and when co-workers see us walking together, the reaction is always, "Uh oh."
Every morning at 10:00, we do a lap around the building, which is half a mile. It's nice to get some fresh air and dish and bitch and regale each other with amusing anecdotes. (You hate us, don't you? Yeah, I kinda hate us, too.) Today, after I warned them that we'll be getting a memo from Gary about proper refrigerator usage because he caught me putting a yogurt in the executive refrigerator, Nicholle brought up an exciting topic.
N: "Have you guys seen The New Doogie?"
Me: "What? No!"
A: "Yeah, I didn't know we had someone younger than Doogie working here!"
N: "And they travel around together! It's hilarious! We have to go check him out."
Anne can't be bothered with such girlie silliness, since she's single and doesn't want to appear to be on the make, I guess. But Nicholle and I quite unabashedly tracked down New Doogie in Brother-In-Law's cube.
Me: [to B.I.L.] "Oh. I came by to gossip, but you're obviously busy."
ND: "Gossip is wrong."
Me: [half a chuckle] "You're so young."
ND: "I just shaved my goatee last night!"
At this point, I have to walk away because I'm about to bust out laughing, and Nicholle is already peeing in her pants. His goatee defense was killing me! It's like he sensed we were the Alpha Females and instinctively craved our acceptance. How adorable!
{sigh} We're going to have such a good time breaking his spirit.