November 30, 2004
V-Show Review
Recently, I was forced to attend a high school "V-Show" because older stepdaughter, Ophelia, was in it. Today, I will recall some of the highlights for you, so that those of you who -- like me -- were total "drama freaks" in high school, can relive some of the sheer horror, and look back on your own variety shows with shame and dismay. And rightfully so.
And so you don't feel so alone, I, along with the rest of my church's high school handbell choir, rang and plucked "The Entertainer." I can't make this stuff up, folks.
The show opened with some kids making fun of the styles and attitudes of decades past, starting with the 50's, because that's the first decade that they think has it's own style. 1949 and prior, people always lived in grass huts, spoke in iambic pentameter and dressed like pilgrims. Then, the entire cast of, like, eight bajillion kids poured onto the stage and lamely rocked out to the stage band's version of "Rock 'n' Roll All Night" (AND PARTY EVERY DAY!).
Are you getting the same irony here that I got? Um, kids? This is YOUR PARENTS' MUSIC. THEY used to rock out to this. This is what you just finished making fun of, you stupid hooligans! Get off my lawn!
Okay, here we go.
"Falling" Three guys, two chords and one "original piece." The "singer" broke one of the cardinal rules of singing, i.e. you don't add H's when the same syllable is held over two or more different notes. "See-hee-hee." "Sa-ha-hame." Ugh.
"Wild Child" I don't know this song, but they were so trying to be the Ramones, while not even knowing who the Ramones are. Just once, I'd like to see a high school garage band who doesn't dress in all black and think they're soooo punk rock. What are you rebelling against? Originality?
"You Raise Me Up" Huh. Christian rock. In a public school. I wonder how long it'll be before some group of parents rises up and puts the kibosh on that? Anyhoo, he had an amazing voice. (No, not "You Lift Me Up." That's by the Thompson Twins.)
"The Freshman" Performed by a bunch of seniors. Get it? Ooooh, irony! After finishing, they walked off the stage and into police custody for underage drinking on school property. Real smooth, fellas. I know one of the guys and have kicked him out of every Sunday school class I ever had him in. So I couldn't help giggling when I found out.
"Disarm" First of all, I was totally blown away when Husband knew that Billy Corbin is with the Smashing Pumpkins. This act was cool, with the chimes, the timpani and eleven string players. And then they went and fucked it up with the worst singer ever. Even worse than Billy Corbin.
"Copacetic Banana Oil (Excellent Non-Sense)" Does that even make sense? No. So it must be cool. This was weird. It was a swing medley, and they were dressed 40's style, but half the chicks were dressed as guys and dancing with the girls-dressed-as-girls quite provocatively. And then there was some hat theme, where whichever "guy" was wearing the fedora got to dance with the lead chick.
"Angels" Oh my God. This "singer" made me cringe. It was so painful, I can't even describe it. She, like,... hiccupped or swallowed every other syllable. I'm sure she thought she was "stylizing" just like her idol, Britney, or something, but she sounded like she'd just had a stroke. Plus, she did that Mariah Carey hand thing, where you wave it around, and when the pitch goes up, your hand goes up, like you're Bugs Bunny conducting an orchestra.
"Here's to the Night" Holy crap, what self-indulgent tripe. A large group of girls -- whom I assume are the senior class, minus Ophelia, who wouldn't be caught DEAD doing something so awful -- sat on the stage and sang along with some CD, while photos of themselves where projected onto a screen behind them. Um, how do you get nostalgic about stuff like "last year" and "seventh period yesterday"? Gag.
"Malaguena" My stepdaughter. Plays piano like a prodigy, dresses like a pole-dancer. Seriously, she's fucking amazing, but I was so distracted by the huge red flower in her hair.
"Let's Boogie" Dancing by a group called "Dance II." Obviously, all the girls who couldn't get into "Dance". Proving once again that fat girls can dance!
So, what humiliating thing have you done on stage? I've dressed like a cow, played kazoo while wearing an inflatable horsie, and danced very badly to "Dance of the Reed Flutes". But that was all after high school and the handbells.