December 16, 2004
Curmudgeon Alert!
So, the Husband wanted to send out a Christmas letter with our Christmas cards. *sigh* I have so many problems with the whole concept of the Christmas letter.
1. It's totally gay.
2. If someone doesn't know all about your life, then they're probably not close enough to care.
3. If they are close enough to care, then they probably already know all about your life.
4. Did I mention how totally gay it is?
5. No one wants to hear that Billy got straight A's and Susie scored 5 goals and 7 assists in soccer. It's boring.
6. See numbers 1 and 4.
But Husband had his heart set on it, and I love him dearly, so I stopped raining on his parade. (See? I can be nice!) However, true to the pattern we've set this month, he just hasn't had time to get around to it.
So, since I've already bought all the presents for the families, wrapped them, did the tree, decorated the house, got the Christmas cards prepped to go, baked a truckload of cookies, attended a dozen holiday gatherings and The Longest School Christmas Concert Ever (it was like sitting thru "Dances with Wolves," if the Indians were all playing string instruments -- poorly), I thought, what the hell, I'll just write the stupid letter for him, too. At least that way I can ensure it'll be at least mildly entertaining.
And you know what? It is dang near impossible to write a Christmas letter and not come off as a big, huge dorkwad! I was lamenting my fate to Heather, and she said to be sure to include the words "pure awesome." So I did. And here it is. Brace yourself.
Dear Friends & Family,Just a quick note to update you on all the goings-on at the [Pirate Wench] homestead! In ascending order:
Daisy is 2½ and continues to shower everyone around with unconditional love... and dog hair. We'd love to get her a little sister, but where would we ever find another dog with so few bad habits?!
Younger Step Daughter has joined the ranks of high schoolers and full-fledged teenagers. She is concentrating on soccer as her one sport now and still manages to keep improving on both her instruments -- piano and trumpet. She's leaning towards a career as an engineer (mechanical, not train), but she has so many talents and hobbies, that's certainly subject to change in the next 3½ years!
Older Step Daughter is halfway through her best -- and last! -- year in high school. The French horn remains her greatest passion. She's hoping to attend DePaul next year for a double major in Performance Horn and Music Business and is working 16+ hours every weekend to help contribute to that. She's a hostess at a local, upscale restaurant and loves it as much as they love her.
Pirate Wench's commute quadrupled this year -- from 5 min. to 20 -- when her work moved to new offices. The drive is a hassle, but the on-site gym, deli and manicurist make it worthwhile! Bottle Band is currently her sole performance outlet, but she's "in talks" with friends about starting a community theatre group. 2005 may also hold the promise of getting published. We'll see!
Husband, too, continues to find new excuses to dress in drag for Bottle Band. The Band is going to be on local television again in January -- which is pure awesome! The last half of 2004 saw Dick in the E.R. twice, with an infected arm and a fractured foot, but he is just fine and kept both limbs.
In addition, there were many fun trips and vacations as the [Pirate Wenches] spanned the U.S. from New Hampshire to Nebraska and, of course, Door County. And as always, we have been blessed with much laughter via amazing friends and family. Have an utterly fabulous 2005, and be good to yourselves!
I'm so sorry.
So the moral of the story is, don't send a Christmas letter. And if you must, be sure to include the words "pure awesome." In fact, include them in your next blog and post me a link to win fabulous prizes!!!
P.S. Don't harp me about using the word "gay." My gay friends use it all the time and gave me permission -- so there. In return, I gave Adam a t-shirt that says "Homosexuals Are Gay," and he wore it to the Britney Spears concert. Pure. Awesome.