December 01, 2004
Heather & I Attempt a Movie Review... and Suck
"NATIONAL TREASURE" SPOILER ALERT! Don't read this if you have not yet seen the movie and would eventually like to.
Me: saw "National Treasure" last night! It was cool!
Heather: FINALLY! I liked it, too! but I confess, when they went to Urban Outfitters I'm all "that's $600 for two outfits, at least...did they buy shoes? how much did that old guy have in his bible, anyway?"
Me: I loved N. Cage's random in-case-we-die kiss.
Heather: that was sweet.
Me: I could totally see dropping $600 for two outfits, including the shoes
Heather: esp. there. but I'm just thinking, why not go to Gap and save the cash for their upcoming plane/train/automobiling? because I'm a nerd.
Me: or Target
Heather: exactly.
Me: product placement, that's why!
Heather: i KNOW. but still. LOVED the crypt
Me: dude, I would totally have been crying if that treasure was real
Heather: seriously.
Me: fuck the gold -- think of the LOST HISTORY AND KNOWLEDGE!!!
Heather: riight.
Me: I totally would have read every damn thing before turning it over to "the world." and maybe kept one little souvenir
Heather: well, me too. and: why can't you keep whatever you want? you FOUND it! and, every adolescent knows: finders keepers!
Me: well, yeah, but I totally have to agree that it belongs to the world. eventually. when I'm done rolling in it.
Heather: exactly. but still, it's presumptuous of the world to just EXPECT my booty. especially after the pirates worked so hard to hoard it FROM the world in the first place.
Me: the world is SO irrational. that's just SO like them. "It's our history! Give it back to us! Blah blah blah."
Heather: seriously.
Me: And dude could afford that car, but not stickshift lessons?
Heather: Mr. Nerdy McChinpubes is SO getting the pussy NOW!
Me: Are all White House staffers as hot as Ms. Chase, and the cast of West Wing?
Heather: um. who what where?
Me: the chick in the movie. too hot to be that smart. Cuz Claudia Shiffer is all "I collect antique campaign pins!"
Heather: oh. right! says the lady with the boobies and the pretty pretty hair.
Me: I couldn't have fit my THIGH in that dress.
Heather: me neither. but I hated her dress. thought it looked all ugly and stuff. and oh my god that campaign pin thing was awesome.
Me: Gates is totally sleeping with her just to get his pin back.
Heather: well obviously. that thing's Rare!
Me: Then he's all "See ya Little Miss Bigfoot Stole It!"
Heather: hee. I loved how they didn't know that lemon juice and warmth = invisible ink.
Me: I loved Gates' "Do you trust me?" homage to "Aladdin"
Heather: I don't remember aladdin..but I trust you on that quote.
Me: and I love how the Dad is like, "My FORTY year old son must need abortion money" or something. and she's all "Do I look pregnant?!" Which is EXACTLY any woman's reaction!
Heather: well, in that dress, she TOTALLY looked pregnant.
Me: saucer of milk?
Heather: but, yeah, you're right! but then again, ANY fiacial expresion after that statement would be interpreted as "I look pregnant?" hee. no, seriously. I hate empire waist/crinoline combinations.
Me: was it empire? I thought it looked drop-waist?
Heather: if it were drop waist, I'd totally Love the dress.
Me: by the way, we're the best movie reviewers EVER!!!
Heather: because we're gay?
Me: precisely
Heather: I swear, we should get a show. an online webcast of "puss in boots movie reviews"
Me: yeah. we're totally awesome.
Heather: oh, btw. could you just imagine the horror in the makeup lady's eyes when she gets to the part in the script where it reads "he runs to the edge of the boat, and jumps over the side into the bay"
Me: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Heather: I can just see the wheels turning "how do we get the toupee to stay on.... through that? I didn't sign on for this - someone call my agent!"
Me: I'm sure the stunt man had a lush head of hair, just for that reason