December 30, 2004
My Boring-Ass Year In Review
You'll notice some numbers are missing. I just didn't have answers for them.
1. What did you do in 2004 that you'd never done before? Started a workout program and kept it up for more than three days.
2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I don't do new year's resolutions. Too much pressure.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? If anyone had given birth close to me, I'd be too grossed out to type. Ha ha ha ha! Okay, seriously, no.
4. Did anyone close to you die? Luckily, no.
5. What countries did you visit? Is Omaha, NE, a different country? Cuz that's about as far as I got.
6. What would you like to have in 2005 that you lacked in 2004? Infinite patience with my step-daughter(s).
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? My two-year anniversary. Seriously, you throw a curmudgeony hermit like me into a new family situation with a Type-A personality and two female hormone bombs, and there were times I thought we wouldn't make it.
9. What was your biggest failure? Gaining more weight.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? Nothing major. Just some tendonitis in my ankle, which allowed me to wear comfy gym shoes to work for a month, which was awesome!
11. What was the best thing you bought? A Dyson vacuum cleaner. I cannot believe the dog hair and crap it sucked outta my carpet. If my house was burning down, I would run in and save my Dyson.
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Older step-daughter, Ophelia. Although she still dresses like a lap-dancer, she really straightened out her act and is well on her way to being a delightful, independent young adult.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? The people who wailed and tore their hair out and ate ashes after the election. We're never going to have a perfect system or a perfect president. Power corrupts everyone. We should live our lives as best we can regardless of who is in the Oval Office.
14. Where did most of your money go? I have no clue. Probably gasoline, going back and forth to Sister's and Door County.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? The promise that, some day, I will be published!
16. What song will always remind you of 2004? "Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy" by Big & Rich. Thanks, Egrau!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? Way, waaaaaaaay happier.
b) thinner or fatter? Fatter, dammit.
c) richer or poorer? Richer, in so many ways.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? Sex. Our damn schedules are so crazy.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? Eating.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? Christmas Eve, just my immediate family, with spouses and kids, at my Mom's, who is an awesome cook. Christmas Day, younger Sister's for a very casual get-together, so she's not stuck alone with her in-laws (seriously, I could write a book on those people). After that, it's off to Indiana for a belated, no doubt insanely crowded and hectic Christmas with Husband's family.
21. Who did you spend the most time on the phone with? Probably PJ. We call each other for the stupidest reasons, like snow, the promise of snow, and the betrayal of no snow.
22. Did you fall in love in 2004? Actually, yeah. With Husband. All over again. That guy sure puts up with some shit.
23. How many one-night stands? What am I -- 23 again?
24. What was your favorite TV program? "LOST"
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? Hate is an awfully strong word. And yet perfectly fitting for Paris Hilton.
26. What was the best book you read this year? "The Red Tent" by Anita Diamant. Thanks again, Egrau!
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? Liz Phair.
29. What did you want and not get? Bruce Campbell. On a pony.
30. What was your favorite film of this year? "Kill Bill 2"
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? Turned 35. Pizza and angel food cake with chocolate frosting with the family, so they could shower me with presents. Have I mentioned that I really like presents?
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? If Husband's work issues had been taken care of a lot quicker. It made for a grumpy Hubby and not much time together.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2004? You can never have too many zip-up hoodies.
34. What kept you sane? Discovering that I don't have to be the perfect step-mom, over lunches with fellow-step-mom, K.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Bruce Campbell will always reign supreme, but Dominic Monaghan (i.e. Merry/Charlie) joined the running.
36. What political issue stirred you the most? Anything involving our soldiers overseas. Although the only one I know personally is now home safe and sound, I remember the worry and continue to pray for them all, and their families.
37. Who did you miss? Li'l Natalie, as she is away in New York, following her dream and becoming a big star, whose coattails I totally intend to ride.
38. Who was the best new person you met? Lucy.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2004: You have way more control over your own life than you think. Actually, I always knew this; it was just reinforced.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: "Well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder."
Until Monday! Adieu!
Posted at 01:50 PM | Comments (0)December 21, 2004
Have I Mentioned that I Love Presents?
There's nothing like Christmas to really make it painfully obvious just how lame of a loser I am. For instance, consider the gifts I got all excited about this morning.
From Anne, a Disney Princess Hallmark Keepsake Ornament. Squeal! Love it! And it's particularly appropriate, considering Anne is the one who started the whole princess debacle in the first place.
I'm all, "Oh, I love it! Thank you so much! It's so awesome!"
And she's like, "Personally, I think it's garish and hideous, and it would never come near any tree of mine."
And that's why Anne is a wonderful person. No, I'm not being sarcastic! Did she pick out something she thought was cool and that I should like? No, she humiliated herself and bought something she knew I would love. No matter how retarded it is. She's a peach, that Anne.
From Nicholle, the soundtrack to "Seven Brides for Seven Brothers." Swear to God. I thought I was the only person under 60 who knew about this incredibly hokey movie, let alone liked it! But then Nicholle mentioned something in passing one day, and I found a Sister in Schmaltziness.
Yes, it is the Gayest Musical Ever. Especially the Lonesome Polecat Ballet. Holy crap. And they take it so seriously! It's hilarious. And I wish I could say that I like it because it reminds me of a simpler times blah blah blah, but really, it's the plethora of athletic men that I dig. My favorite is Frank. He has this wavy hair that keeps flopping into his eyes, and he's always starting fights. What a punk.
Plus, who knew Russ Tamblyn would go on to play the whacked-out Dr. Jacoby in "Twin Peaks"? Who'd have thought that Julie Newmar could recover so damn well from playing the role of Dorcas? The whole thing just fascinates me.
I first saw the movie when I was 16 and had mono for three months. I guess Mom felt guilty for going to Norway for two weeks and leaving me with my sister (not that I'm bitter), and she was trying to entertain me. So she brought home the VHS tape of "7B47B" from the library, as it was her favorite movie as a little girl. Now normally, at 16, anything Mom liked was automatically not cool enough for me. But something about that stupid movie charmed me.
You may commence with the mockery now.
Posted at 01:19 PM | Comments (0)December 20, 2004
That Little Stinker
So I was eating dinner over at Sister and Bro-In-Law's place, with The Boy Child and The Girl Child. And as usual, The Girl Child was not eating.
If there was ever any doubt, this totally proves that she and my Sister share DNA. When my sisters and I were little, we wouldn't eat ANYTHING. Nothing green, nothing with stuff in it, nothing too dry, nothing too wet, nothing that once swam, nothing with more than three ingredients -- you get the picture.
How we grew into the love-handled, carb-worshipping cream-cheese-whores we are today, I'll never know.
In an inspired move to get Girl Child to expand her menu beyond cheese, apples, chicken nuggets and ketchup, Sister let her pick out something from the store that she wanted to try. And she picked an orange.
What, are you kidding me? I still won't eat an orange. You peel off the skin, and -- hey! -- what's that white placenta stuff it's encased in?! EWWWWWWW! There was no way that kid was eating the tiny molecule of orange on her plate, and deep down inside, we all knew it. Still, we tried.
"C'mon, we'll both eat a piece at the same time."
"If you eat it, you get chocolate pudding!"
"Just lick it."
"You're not getting down from the table until you eat it!"
And you know what happened? My sweet, little niece; my cherubic princess; my life's heavenly light; my darling angel leaned over and whispered to her father,...
"Daddy, know what? You're losing, and I'm winning."
OH NO, SHE DI'INT!!!
Oh yes, she did. And even worse -- she was right.
Posted at 01:26 PM | Comments (0)Yet Another Reason I'm Going To Hell
I saw a mother and daughter in the lobby. The girl had Downs Syndrome and had on a letter jacket. On the back, it said "Special Olympics Pom-Poms." And I just can't even describe the mental picture I got. Sent me giggling shamefully all the way up the elevator.
Please address all hate mail to ignorantcunt@yahoo.com, and use the subject line "Hell is too good for you, bitch!"
December 16, 2004
Why I Adore My Little Sister
So we're IMing back and forth about stocking stuffers and Target and earrings, and then, apropos of nothing, she does this:
Sister: ok, I'm going, bye!
Sister: P.S. I love Billy Boyd
Sister: Billy Boyd rocks my world!
Sister signed off at 2:47:02 P.M.
Leaving me to wonder, what the hell else was she doing while IMing with me?
Posted at 12:58 PM | Comments (0)Curmudgeon Alert!
So, the Husband wanted to send out a Christmas letter with our Christmas cards. *sigh* I have so many problems with the whole concept of the Christmas letter.
1. It's totally gay.
2. If someone doesn't know all about your life, then they're probably not close enough to care.
3. If they are close enough to care, then they probably already know all about your life.
4. Did I mention how totally gay it is?
5. No one wants to hear that Billy got straight A's and Susie scored 5 goals and 7 assists in soccer. It's boring.
6. See numbers 1 and 4.
But Husband had his heart set on it, and I love him dearly, so I stopped raining on his parade. (See? I can be nice!) However, true to the pattern we've set this month, he just hasn't had time to get around to it.
So, since I've already bought all the presents for the families, wrapped them, did the tree, decorated the house, got the Christmas cards prepped to go, baked a truckload of cookies, attended a dozen holiday gatherings and The Longest School Christmas Concert Ever (it was like sitting thru "Dances with Wolves," if the Indians were all playing string instruments -- poorly), I thought, what the hell, I'll just write the stupid letter for him, too. At least that way I can ensure it'll be at least mildly entertaining.
And you know what? It is dang near impossible to write a Christmas letter and not come off as a big, huge dorkwad! I was lamenting my fate to Heather, and she said to be sure to include the words "pure awesome." So I did. And here it is. Brace yourself.
Dear Friends & Family,Just a quick note to update you on all the goings-on at the [Pirate Wench] homestead! In ascending order:
Daisy is 2½ and continues to shower everyone around with unconditional love... and dog hair. We'd love to get her a little sister, but where would we ever find another dog with so few bad habits?!
Younger Step Daughter has joined the ranks of high schoolers and full-fledged teenagers. She is concentrating on soccer as her one sport now and still manages to keep improving on both her instruments -- piano and trumpet. She's leaning towards a career as an engineer (mechanical, not train), but she has so many talents and hobbies, that's certainly subject to change in the next 3½ years!
Older Step Daughter is halfway through her best -- and last! -- year in high school. The French horn remains her greatest passion. She's hoping to attend DePaul next year for a double major in Performance Horn and Music Business and is working 16+ hours every weekend to help contribute to that. She's a hostess at a local, upscale restaurant and loves it as much as they love her.
Pirate Wench's commute quadrupled this year -- from 5 min. to 20 -- when her work moved to new offices. The drive is a hassle, but the on-site gym, deli and manicurist make it worthwhile! Bottle Band is currently her sole performance outlet, but she's "in talks" with friends about starting a community theatre group. 2005 may also hold the promise of getting published. We'll see!
Husband, too, continues to find new excuses to dress in drag for Bottle Band. The Band is going to be on local television again in January -- which is pure awesome! The last half of 2004 saw Dick in the E.R. twice, with an infected arm and a fractured foot, but he is just fine and kept both limbs.
In addition, there were many fun trips and vacations as the [Pirate Wenches] spanned the U.S. from New Hampshire to Nebraska and, of course, Door County. And as always, we have been blessed with much laughter via amazing friends and family. Have an utterly fabulous 2005, and be good to yourselves!
I'm so sorry.
So the moral of the story is, don't send a Christmas letter. And if you must, be sure to include the words "pure awesome." In fact, include them in your next blog and post me a link to win fabulous prizes!!!
P.S. Don't harp me about using the word "gay." My gay friends use it all the time and gave me permission -- so there. In return, I gave Adam a t-shirt that says "Homosexuals Are Gay," and he wore it to the Britney Spears concert. Pure. Awesome.
Posted at 12:50 PM | Comments (0)December 15, 2004
Getting Coal In His Stocking
Apparently, The Boy Child speaks... Swahili? Tee-tah is his word for Yes.
Also, he learned to say Abominable Snowman from the Rudolph Christmas special -- which we all had to watch three times this weekend -- but he can't say Auntie.
Newsflash, kid -- Abominable Snowman didn't get you a talking Buzz Lightyear for Christmas! AUNTIE DID!!!
Actual Conversation Between My Boss and I
Boss: You know that, uh... sheet with, uh.. the...
Me: Two words? First syllable sounds like?
Boss: With the numbers on it! The phone numbers!
Me: The phone list, yeah.
Boss: You know the fax number listed on there? Does that go to this fax machine by us?
Me: No. Only J knows that number.
Boss: Well, where does it go then?
Me: To the main fax machine in the mail room.
Boss: Okay. So, if I get a fax, who picks it up?
Me: Whoever is there at the time, and they put it in our mail slot.
Boss: We have a mail slot? Where?
Me: You know those big, grey shelves in the mail room? There's one marked Underwriitng.
Boss: And that's us?
Me: That's us.
Boss: And who picks up our stuff?
Me: I do. Several times a day.
Swear. To. God. And this man is a V.P.
Of course, he knows how inept he is with simple stuff. And frankly, I think it's kinda of charming that he can't make two-sided copies or use his speakerphone. Because it means job security for me.
And as long as my job consists of ridiculously simple tasks that make the boss think I'm a fucking genius, well, I just couldn't ask for a better job, could I?
December 14, 2004
Jingle + Jingle = Fucking Jingle
The token tall member of the accounting department is wearing little bell earrings today, and I keep looking around wondering who the hell brought their cat to work.
The Best Book Report EVER
I was totally swamped at work, and yet Heather taunted me, via AOL IM. By the way, if anyone from work happens upon this, Heather is 100% responsible for introducing me to blogging -- both writing and reading -- and basically for 99% of all my wasted time. So there.
I edited our spelling and grammar, so it doesn't read like chimps were pounding on the keyboard. Although, admittedly, chimps would be funnier.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Me: Crap. I totally forgot about an article I have to write for the company newsletter.
H: Ooh! Is it a gossip column? A who's who of the accounting dept? An expose on the bathroom bandits? I bet that means you don't have time to watch THIS MOVIE, then. Which is awesome and has pirates in.
[See? Heather may seem adorable, but she's really a crack pusher. And I'm her whore.]
Me: An article on the Brokers' Conf. in Sept. that I have since blocked from my memory as a defense mechanism.
H: Wise. Be sure to use the phrase "pure awesome" at least once, will you? Because, seriously.
Me: This movie is fucking awesome.
H: I thought you'd like it. It has renewed my joy in the word "awesome," too.
Me: Hey! Ninjas! Pirates AND ninjas!
H: I KNOW! And mysterious African women.
Me: "Yeah right!"
H: Hee. The delivery of that is awesome. See? I can't stop saying awesome.
Me: Ohmigod. Flight of the Valkaries.
H: Totally.
Me: Um, ninja with an uzi?
H: Well, it was ancient China, after all.
Me: This guy was so stoned.
H: Totally.
[She can't stop saying "totally," either, apparently.]
Me: And 7 years old.
H: LOVE that.
Me: I like the gay house music. Where are the disco guys from SNL?
H: Um, isn't all house music gay?
Me: No, like, house music you'd hear in a gay bar.
H: I know.
Me: Christ, this thing never ends.
H: I know, it's the longest book report ever.
Me: Nah, I've written longer. So smug that I actually read the whole book.
H: Got me. I hated writing book reports. I figure, if you haven't read it yourself, you don't deserve to know what it's about.
Me: Yeah, cuz I'm sure the teachers were like, "I wonder what this book is like? I'll have the kids read it, and based on their book reports, decide whether or not to read it myself."
H: Hee.
Me: Gregory Peck is hot, and I would totally read the book that this movie was based on.
H: Totally hot.
Me: "Chariots of Fire." Dig it.
[I'm pretty sure that I am the only one who finds all this funny. Because, you know, in the context of writing code and filing umbrella quotes, IMing like this is... totally awesome.]
December 13, 2004
The Universe Wants Me To Remain a Size 12
Not that there's anything wrong with being a 12, mind you. I'm can still work it. Oh HO, yesh. But I'd like my clothes to fit a little better, and... well, we all know the reasons for weight loss, so let's move on.
Suffice to say, Homer Simpson has a better resting heart rate than I do. So I got my ass to the gym pretty regularly for a couple weeks there. It was my longest commitment to any sort of actual workout routine EVER.
True, my treadmill speed was conspicuously lower than the huge-assed old people with me, but "At least I'm doing something," I told myself.
And I gained 2 lbs. Yes, folks, my body defies all known laws of physics and, after burning more calories, actually gains weight. It's so fucking unfair!!!
And in breaking news, my ass hurts. Or more specifically, my sciatic nerve. Apparently, when one's only hobbies are blogging, eating and napping, 20 min. of actual movement per day is a goddamn big deal!
Needless to say, the constant, stabbing pain whenever I'm on my feet has taken a bit of a toll on my workout. The stabbing pain used to be in my chest, which I had grown quite accustomed to. The migration to my ass has thrown me.
So DH, the brother-in-law of the love and support, said I should try some of the upper body machines. Meanwhile, people in the movie audience are shouting at the screen, "Don't go with him! Are you insane?! He's totally psycho!"
(Yes, my life has hecklers. It also has a soundtrack. And it was panned by the critics for its gratuitous sex and lack of character development.)
So I go and try out the machine for the triceps. And the one for the biceps. And the one for the pecs. I had the settings on the lowest amount of weight possible. I'm no dummy. I know better than to strain myself. But I forgot that I think BBQ ribs and pistachios are a strain (in the amount-of-work-done-to-amount-of-food-gotten ratio), so yeah, I couldn't lift my arms for the rest of the day.
But that wasn't the weirdest part. The weirdest part was when my hands started shaking. Which, I guess, is Mother Nature's way of saying, "Ah, glad to see you've found those muscles after 35 years."
Mother Nature is a total fucking bitch. She's not a smiling, benevolent, apple-cheeked goddess in flowing robes with flowers in her hair. She's a mean, petty, vindictive bitch. And I have the tremors to prove it.
So, as it stands, I have still worked out more in December that the previous 11 months combined, but I haven't lost an ounce, and I'm temporarily grounded. And to make myself feel better, I took an extra trip to the frozen yogurt bar at Sweet Tomatoes during lunch today. I really need to switch to shopping for my superficial emotional boosts.
I. Hate. This.
December 12, 2004
I'm Shreiking in Hysterical Excitement, and Boy, Are My Co-Workers Pissed
Greetings from Amazon.com.We thought you'd like to know that we shipped your items today, and that this completes your order.
The following items were included in this shipment:
-----------------------------------------------------------
Qty Item Subtotal
-----------------------------------------------------------
1 The Lord of the Rings - The Return of the King $23.991 The Lord of the Rings - Special Extended Trilogy $77.98
-----------------------------------------------------------
Item Subtotal: $101.97
Shipping & Handling: $3.97
The Trilogy is for my Bro-In-Law (father of The Girl Child and The Boy Child) for Christmas, and the RotK is for ME! ME! ME! Well, I suppose I'll have to let those other people who live at my house watch it. But I know who Legolas really loves. They may watch and adore him, but he will never love them like he loves me!
December 10, 2004
An "Anne's Dog Is Dumb" Story
So Anne came home from work one evening to find that the tray in the bottom of her parrot's cage had been removed, stripped of its contents (i.e. newspaper, bird poop and birdseed), and left on the floor of her room.
Common sense quickly ruled out her mother as the culprit, leaving the only obvious offenders -- their two dogs. (No, Anne does not live with her mother; her mother lives with her. And they each have a dog. End of any relevant back-story.)
The ensuing argument started with, "Well, it wasn't my dog!"
Continued with, "Dallas would only do it if coerced by Shadow!"
And ended with, "Oh yeah? Well, we'll just see whose dog throws up!"
The lucky winner of the birdseed-barf? Anne. I mean, duh. There's no way her Mom's dog could have reached the tray; and yet, such is her faith in her dog that it took vomit to convince her otherwise.
Now that's devotion.
Posted at 12:00 PM | Comments (0)December 09, 2004
Things I'm Too Embarrassed To Put On My Christmas List But I Still Want So Just Sue Me, Okay?
1. These little tiny chairs from Pottery Barn. And no, they're not for Barbie. They're way too nice for Barbie. All Barbie's furniture is inflatable and/or covered in faux fur.
2. Hard Rock Café Barbie #1. Oh my God -- the flames, the Farrah hair, the studded collar, the J Lo shades! She's so tacky! She must be mine. But a bunch of assholes bought them all up and are now raping people for $200+ on eBay for them. Fuckers. I’d also settle for Hard Rock Barbie #2, who isn’t going for quite as much,...yet.
3. Britney's Greatest Hits. Look, I'm sorry, okay? I can't apologize enough for this sin against humanity. But her songs... they're just so fucking catchy!
December 07, 2004
No, No! Bad Dog!
Yesterday, I arrived home from work to be greeted by a very strange sight: the complete lack of wiggling-jumping-up-and-down dog.
My first thought -- "Oh fuck. She'd better be dead or have the burglar cornered."
Because the only other option was that something had been chewed.
Now, Daisy doesn't have many bad habits. She doesn't beg at the table. She doesn't get up on the furniture. She doesn't run away. She doesn't drunk dial. She does, however, enjoy chewing up paper and ramming her nose into everyone's crotch without even a "How's it going?" or a romantic dinner date.
It may be just that she's inherently a darn good dog. Or it could be that she fears me the way Michael Jackson fears subpoenas. I found her wedged into the corner by the back door, ears down, shoulders hunched, looking like she'd just eaten the sofa.
So I walked around the house and quickly found the Christmas present she had halfway unwrapped. I can't tell you what it was, cuz it's for Little Sister, and she reads this, but it wasn't food, so I don't know what provoked her to unwrap it.
I picked up the scraps of paper, held them in front of her face and said in my Scary Mommy voice, "What is this? I spent hours of my life wrapping those damn presents, and now I have to rewrap!"
Shuh. Like I'm not just gonna tape some other wrapping paper over the hole. But she bought it and pressed herself flat to the floor, trying to melt through the linoleum into the basement and thus escape Scary Mommy. God, she looked like I'd just beaten her, and I didn't even raise my hand!
Naturally, I totally started laughing at her and forgave her. And she crawled forward and licked m chin in apology. Really, she's so pathetic. It's embarrassing.
Later, R and PJ came by to bring me a trifle dish and some allergy pills that can only be found at CostCo. They brought their two dogs, Karma the Golden Retriever and Zoe the Rottweiler, and I told them about Daisy's melodrama.
PJ said she had a similar experience with Karma yesterday. She got home from work, and Zoe was the only one who greeted her at the door. And in the kitchen was the reason: the garbage had been invaded.
"Which really was our fault for leaving garbage from Italian beef and hamburger and fries in there." PJ and her dogs are soooooooo codependent.
Anyhoo, she found Karma in the farthest corner of the house from the kitchen as was possible, grabbed her by the collar and started dragging. Karma splayed out her legs as far as they'd go, trying desperately to get a purchase on the floor. But to no avail. She got the scolding of a lifetime just as R was walking in the door.
He was all like, "Why are you yelling at Karma? It was probably Zoe!"
To which I took great offense. You see, Zoe was MY dog originally, but after my divorce, I couldn't keep her, so they agreed to take her. She has a great life -- I want to be reincarnated as one of R and PJ's dogs -- but I enjoy playing the protective "birth mother" and condemning him for treating her like the red-headed stepchild. We all have our hobbies.
But PJ defended her, "No, it was the kitchen garbage. Zoe only likes the bathroom garbage because that has the feminine products."
Ewwwww.
Posted at 11:44 AM | Comments (0)December 06, 2004
Stalky McClownerson and the Answer to No. Five
Several months ago, I became reacquainted with a friend from high school. And when we're not awkwardly trying to hide our desire to jump each others' bones, we're eating Chinese food and talking like... well,... like two friends playing catch-up over Chinese food. There's no humorous simile available because that's about as much talking as two people can do, as the dour couple in the next booth who kept giving us dirty looks will tell you.
Those were really long sentences for a Monday morning.
Aside from retaining our youthful hotness and having an affinity for the same t.v. shows, we have one other very special thing in common: we've both been stalked by the same guy.
(Protocol demands that I link to his website, so you can feel our pain, but I refuse to give him the exposure.)
Now granted, the stalkings differ in their motives. He wanted to punish me for dumping him (like the stigma of "Chick Who Once Dated Stalky McClownerson" isn't bad enough), whereas she was being pursued, as she had the good sense not to date him. However, we are still Sisters in Creepiness.
Creepiness Fun Fact #1: He's a Professional Clown. Graduated from Ringling Bros. Clown College. Once showed up where I worked in full clowning regalia, rubber nose and all. 'Nuff said.
Creepiness Fun Fact #2: The Compilation Tapes. Heather received no fewer than seventy-five music compilation tapes from him -- eek. Luckily, I only got one. When I dumped him, I still owed him $20 or $30. So he made me a 60-minute tape entirely full of songs about money. I fast-forwarded through it just to confirm that he had really done what he did. And he did. He spent what must've been hours of his time to make this tape, which he had to have known I would never listen to more than 15 seconds of, when he could have just called me and said, "I'd like my money back." Staggering! Waste! Of time!
Creepiness Fun Fact #3: Lame Phone Messages. Although he wouldn't call about the money, he would call and leave little messages on my answering machine, like, "I hate you." Whispered, of course, so that I wouldn't recognize his voice. Like he was fooling me. And then when I told him to quit it, he said, "Oh, it's probably my friends. I'll make them stop." Shuh.
Can I just tell you? When we'd be out with his friends, and he'd go to the bathroom, they'd totally rag on him and tell me stories about what a pussy he is. So I'm thinking they probably don't care about him enough to make phone calls on his behalf, nor fear me enough to make them anonymously.
And it gets better. Upon seeing him a few months ago at the same event where I re-met Heather, he still stuck to the same story about while making some lame apology. "Yeah, I'm sorry about those phone calls that I, er, my friends made after we broke up." I guess he thinks that, like him, I haven't gotten any smarter in twelve years.
Creepiness Fun Fact #4: The Cakes. Despite Heather's repeated assertions that she would never date him, he called her Mom to find out her favorite cake, bought it from the local bakery, and drove two hours to her dorm to deliver it on her birthday. Only to have her thank him for the cake and send him on his two-hour drive back home. And this happened several times without any light bulbs going on! Dude! Save your cake money and buy a clue! And for one of the episodes, he dragged his then-girlfriend with him. I sure she must've felt really special.
Creepiness Fun Fact #5: We've looked at the timeline, and we're pretty sure that the cowardly whispering of his "friends" and his delivery of unrequited baked goods overlapped at some point.
So there's my answer to #5 from the previous post, minus the requisite drive-bys and 3 a.m. doorbell ringing stuff that always accompanies such lapses in good sense.
And no, I've never stalked anyone. I've got better things to do. Okay, fine, maybe I'm stalking Heather a little bit. But she totally asked for it! I'll make her love me!
Posted at 11:35 AM | Comments (0)December 03, 2004
Five Questions
Memething from Hygelak the Dread
How this meme works:
1. Leave a comment, saying you want to be interviewed.
2. I will respond; I'll ask you five questions.
3. You'll update your journal with my five questions, and your five answers.
4. You'll include this explanation.
5. You'll ask other people five questions when they want to be interviewed.
1) Did you ever go to college, and if so, for what? If not, why, and if you had, what would you have studied? Went to college for about 2 years. Community college, as I have no tolerance for dorm life. Nights, as I was working full time to afford an apartment with asshole boyfriend who screwed me over, leaving no more money for college. I majored in English, hoping to be a writer of some sort. Also developed an interest in anthropology, so I may have pursued that academically, too, had I not been attracted to a life-sucking psychopath.
2) What would be your perfect man (other than your husband), and why? Tall, dark and handsome. Very tall, but not too handsome. Older. Sarcastic, wry wit. Able to take it as well as dish it out. Bit of a dark side. Willing to take my crap to an extent but not get walked all over. Independent, able to make decisions. Able to build/fix just about anything. And I've just horrifyingly realized that I've described my father, so I'll have to add PASSIONATE, OPEN-MINDED AND TALKATIVE in order to differentiate. Oh, and he must believe I'm the coolest, most amazing woman ever. Natch'.
3) What is the funniest encounter you have ever had with John Kovalic, and how does that compare with the funniest thing that has ever happened in your life? How do I narrow it down? Our encounters get funnier as we get to know each other better. The time we played Pirates of the Spanish Main at O'Hare's International Terminal was surreally amusing. There was no hilarious slapstick, just good laughs. There was also the incident with John, a 1st Grenadier Guard, a camera, and four drunken wenches, but the Restraining Order is pretty specific about me not talking about it. And like John, all my friends are freakin' whackos, so I can't really narrow anything down to "Funniest Thing In My Life." I guess I'm blessed that way. Either that, or I'm just easily amused.
4) What do you realistically *want* to do with the rest of your life, and how do you think it will compare with what will *actually* happen in the rest of your life, and why? Husband and I have a 10-year plan (which we're now, in theory, 2.5 years into) to buy some wooded acreage up north, build a timberframe home and live like the Amish. If the Amish had TiVo and DSL and non-procreative sex. And if it doesn't actually happen, I'll make him pay for it for the rest of his life. Cuz I have that power.
5) What is your favorite personal stalker story (whether on the giving or receiving end)? Oh ho hooooooo. You have some mind-reading abilities, my friend. I have one that is a whole blog entry unto itself. I'll post it Monday. Stay tuned! Same bat time, same bat channel!
Posted at 11:23 AM | Comments (0)December 02, 2004
Eau de Redenbacher's
So I'm eating popcorn at my desk, and one of the lawyer guys wanders over.
"I thought I smelled that. I wish they made a perfume that smells like that. I'd buy it for my wife. Then she wouldn't be able to keep me away!"
Um... dude? Are you, like, hitting on me?
Cuz that's totally fine. Just don't be thinkin' that I'm giving you any of my popcorn.
Never. Gonna. Happen.
Nicholle Reminded Me that I've Been Remiss
Back on November 4th, I talked about some "ginormously important" news, and then I never mentioned it again. Well, I'm sorry to blue-ball you, dear reader.
My news is that I'm going to have a short piece of mine published. In an actual book. That will be read by actual people. Which means that My Number Two Hugest Dream EVER will come true!
(My Number One Hugest Dream EVER is being a mermaid, but I can't find anyone to perform the operations.)
However, I haven't mentioned it since then because it got put on the backburner for the moment, and I don't want to jinx it by giving away any details. Rest assured, when the time comes, I'll tell you everything!
December 01, 2004
Heather & I Attempt a Movie Review... and Suck
"NATIONAL TREASURE" SPOILER ALERT! Don't read this if you have not yet seen the movie and would eventually like to.
Me: saw "National Treasure" last night! It was cool!
Heather: FINALLY! I liked it, too! but I confess, when they went to Urban Outfitters I'm all "that's $600 for two outfits, at least...did they buy shoes? how much did that old guy have in his bible, anyway?"
Me: I loved N. Cage's random in-case-we-die kiss.
Heather: that was sweet.
Me: I could totally see dropping $600 for two outfits, including the shoes
Heather: esp. there. but I'm just thinking, why not go to Gap and save the cash for their upcoming plane/train/automobiling? because I'm a nerd.
Me: or Target
Heather: exactly.
Me: product placement, that's why!
Heather: i KNOW. but still. LOVED the crypt
Me: dude, I would totally have been crying if that treasure was real
Heather: seriously.
Me: fuck the gold -- think of the LOST HISTORY AND KNOWLEDGE!!!
Heather: riight.
Me: I totally would have read every damn thing before turning it over to "the world." and maybe kept one little souvenir
Heather: well, me too. and: why can't you keep whatever you want? you FOUND it! and, every adolescent knows: finders keepers!
Me: well, yeah, but I totally have to agree that it belongs to the world. eventually. when I'm done rolling in it.
Heather: exactly. but still, it's presumptuous of the world to just EXPECT my booty. especially after the pirates worked so hard to hoard it FROM the world in the first place.
Me: the world is SO irrational. that's just SO like them. "It's our history! Give it back to us! Blah blah blah."
Heather: seriously.
Me: And dude could afford that car, but not stickshift lessons?
Heather: Mr. Nerdy McChinpubes is SO getting the pussy NOW!
Me: Are all White House staffers as hot as Ms. Chase, and the cast of West Wing?
Heather: um. who what where?
Me: the chick in the movie. too hot to be that smart. Cuz Claudia Shiffer is all "I collect antique campaign pins!"
Heather: oh. right! says the lady with the boobies and the pretty pretty hair.
Me: I couldn't have fit my THIGH in that dress.
Heather: me neither. but I hated her dress. thought it looked all ugly and stuff. and oh my god that campaign pin thing was awesome.
Me: Gates is totally sleeping with her just to get his pin back.
Heather: well obviously. that thing's Rare!
Me: Then he's all "See ya Little Miss Bigfoot Stole It!"
Heather: hee. I loved how they didn't know that lemon juice and warmth = invisible ink.
Me: I loved Gates' "Do you trust me?" homage to "Aladdin"
Heather: I don't remember aladdin..but I trust you on that quote.
Me: and I love how the Dad is like, "My FORTY year old son must need abortion money" or something. and she's all "Do I look pregnant?!" Which is EXACTLY any woman's reaction!
Heather: well, in that dress, she TOTALLY looked pregnant.
Me: saucer of milk?
Heather: but, yeah, you're right! but then again, ANY fiacial expresion after that statement would be interpreted as "I look pregnant?" hee. no, seriously. I hate empire waist/crinoline combinations.
Me: was it empire? I thought it looked drop-waist?
Heather: if it were drop waist, I'd totally Love the dress.
Me: by the way, we're the best movie reviewers EVER!!!
Heather: because we're gay?
Me: precisely
Heather: I swear, we should get a show. an online webcast of "puss in boots movie reviews"
Me: yeah. we're totally awesome.
Heather: oh, btw. could you just imagine the horror in the makeup lady's eyes when she gets to the part in the script where it reads "he runs to the edge of the boat, and jumps over the side into the bay"
Me: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
Heather: I can just see the wheels turning "how do we get the toupee to stay on.... through that? I didn't sign on for this - someone call my agent!"
Me: I'm sure the stunt man had a lush head of hair, just for that reason
Posted at 10:37 AM | Comments (0)