December 06, 2004
Stalky McClownerson and the Answer to No. Five
Several months ago, I became reacquainted with a friend from high school. And when we're not awkwardly trying to hide our desire to jump each others' bones, we're eating Chinese food and talking like... well,... like two friends playing catch-up over Chinese food. There's no humorous simile available because that's about as much talking as two people can do, as the dour couple in the next booth who kept giving us dirty looks will tell you.
Those were really long sentences for a Monday morning.
Aside from retaining our youthful hotness and having an affinity for the same t.v. shows, we have one other very special thing in common: we've both been stalked by the same guy.
(Protocol demands that I link to his website, so you can feel our pain, but I refuse to give him the exposure.)
Now granted, the stalkings differ in their motives. He wanted to punish me for dumping him (like the stigma of "Chick Who Once Dated Stalky McClownerson" isn't bad enough), whereas she was being pursued, as she had the good sense not to date him. However, we are still Sisters in Creepiness.
Creepiness Fun Fact #1: He's a Professional Clown. Graduated from Ringling Bros. Clown College. Once showed up where I worked in full clowning regalia, rubber nose and all. 'Nuff said.
Creepiness Fun Fact #2: The Compilation Tapes. Heather received no fewer than seventy-five music compilation tapes from him -- eek. Luckily, I only got one. When I dumped him, I still owed him $20 or $30. So he made me a 60-minute tape entirely full of songs about money. I fast-forwarded through it just to confirm that he had really done what he did. And he did. He spent what must've been hours of his time to make this tape, which he had to have known I would never listen to more than 15 seconds of, when he could have just called me and said, "I'd like my money back." Staggering! Waste! Of time!
Creepiness Fun Fact #3: Lame Phone Messages. Although he wouldn't call about the money, he would call and leave little messages on my answering machine, like, "I hate you." Whispered, of course, so that I wouldn't recognize his voice. Like he was fooling me. And then when I told him to quit it, he said, "Oh, it's probably my friends. I'll make them stop." Shuh.
Can I just tell you? When we'd be out with his friends, and he'd go to the bathroom, they'd totally rag on him and tell me stories about what a pussy he is. So I'm thinking they probably don't care about him enough to make phone calls on his behalf, nor fear me enough to make them anonymously.
And it gets better. Upon seeing him a few months ago at the same event where I re-met Heather, he still stuck to the same story about while making some lame apology. "Yeah, I'm sorry about those phone calls that I, er, my friends made after we broke up." I guess he thinks that, like him, I haven't gotten any smarter in twelve years.
Creepiness Fun Fact #4: The Cakes. Despite Heather's repeated assertions that she would never date him, he called her Mom to find out her favorite cake, bought it from the local bakery, and drove two hours to her dorm to deliver it on her birthday. Only to have her thank him for the cake and send him on his two-hour drive back home. And this happened several times without any light bulbs going on! Dude! Save your cake money and buy a clue! And for one of the episodes, he dragged his then-girlfriend with him. I sure she must've felt really special.
Creepiness Fun Fact #5: We've looked at the timeline, and we're pretty sure that the cowardly whispering of his "friends" and his delivery of unrequited baked goods overlapped at some point.
So there's my answer to #5 from the previous post, minus the requisite drive-bys and 3 a.m. doorbell ringing stuff that always accompanies such lapses in good sense.
And no, I've never stalked anyone. I've got better things to do. Okay, fine, maybe I'm stalking Heather a little bit. But she totally asked for it! I'll make her love me!