January 13, 2005
Potty Talk
Oh, c'mon, you knew it was inevitable, what with me being so uncouth and all.
The Big, Scandalous Confession
I don't always wash my hands after I go to the bathroom. Know why? I don't pee on my hands. Okay, I'll wash before lunch, or after a poop, but I don't think a quick pee warrants that I wash all the hand lotion off my delicate skin. People, I pee, like, twice an hour. It takes up enough of my time as it is. If I were to wash my hands. Every. Single. Freakin'. Time. I peed, I wouldn't have time to do anything else, which is good because all the skin would slough off my hands, rendering them useless anyway. And you know what? My sporadic hand washing has not killed me!!!
Music To Pee By
They pipe-in music in our bathroom here at work, which I lurve because it drowns out the sound of me pooping, so I can poop and hum to my heart's delight, and no one will be the wiser! But I think the building staff fights over which station to pick because one day I'll be singing along with Bono; and the next day, it's show tunes; and the next, elevator music. So Nicholle and I e-mail each other with "MTPB" -- Music To Pee By -- and keep each other current with the music selections and our thoughts on them. Like, "They were playing that goddamn 'Titanic' love theme again, so I decided I could hold it a little while longer." My favorite day was when I walked in to hear a co-worker unabashedly singing along with "New York, New York," while peeing.
Speaking of Pooping (Dooce Would Be So Proud!)
They also have this little machine that sprays a bit of scented stuff into the air at regular intervals. Now that's classy! I want one of them installed in my bathroom at home because whatever it is that comes out of my sweet, little step-daughter's ass is fucking toxic, man. And God forbid she use the Melon Scented Lysol Room Spray provided!
Juanita, Patron Saint of Sparkling Porcelain
I think I'm a little bit in love with a member of the cleaning staff here. I see her all the time. She speaks Spanish and very little English. She's probably about my age, and fairly cute, with a nice smile. And although her job is to clean up after other people all day long, she never fails to be friendly and cheerful. I mean, if I have to pick up Husband's boxers off the bathroom floor, I roll my eyes and moan and rag at him for 20 minutes. How this woman cleans bathrooms all day and manages not to despise all of humanity is unfathomable to me. She's clearly a saint. I feel like I should leave her a tip or something.
Bathroom Habits
I think Heather is weird because she pees twice a day and poops once a week. She thinks I'm weird for having to pause "Desperate Housewives" twice so I can pee. And we both think her brother is weird for putting Jello in her shampoo, but that's a whoooole other story.