February 23, 2005
Adding New Meaning To The Phrase "Sick as a Dog"
You wanna know why I wasn't here yesterday? Huh, punk? Do ya?! Oh, I'll tell you why I wasn't here yesterday! I wasn't here because my dog had been ill -- in a geyser-like manner -- in my living room and dining room!
And you know what she threw up? She threw up undigested CARROTS and GREEN BEANS. I'll give you a minute to let that sink in. MY DOG. VEGETABLES.
Not that there's anything wrong with carrots and green beans, mind you. But my dog's diet consists of excatly five things: fancy-ass kibble, Milkbones, rawhide chews made from American beef, the occassional pizza crust (I don't eat crust), and a bite or two of banana when Husband is eating one. That's it. Five things.
So you don't go introducing a smorgasbord of new things to a creature who only eats from a menu of five things! Of course she hurled her guts up!
AND she had projectile diarrhea. Did I mention the projectile diarrhea? Cuz she had that. In my dining room. On the rug, floor, woodwork, vent cover, wall, mirror and the little wrought iron table that holds our meager wine "collection." In my dining room. Where we DINE. Thank Odin she missed the wood furniture by an inch, or I would have been forced to just set the whole place on fire and walk away.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. I woke up in the middle of the night to a foul stench and assumed that it was Husband, and he'd eaten something stupid again. Turns out it was the Hershey squirts melding to the very fiber of my home, but I wouldn't know that for several more hours.
A little before 5 a.m., Husband and I awoke to the telltale retching sounds of a dog about to blow chunks. Alas, in our pre-dawn stupor, we were too late, and undigested veggies made Technicolor contact with our living room rug.
Have I mentioned that the living room and dining room rugs are the most expensive rugs in the house, i.e. not from Target? Cuz, seriously, replacing them is just not an option.
As Husband hurled obscenities at the pool of vomit, I discovered the splatter of ass-juice in my dining room. It was like the St. Valentine's Day ASSacre in there. So Husband tackled the fresh sick while I got to work on the dried sick.
(Those of you on a diet, feel free to print off this post and hang it on your refrigerator door.)
Determined not to let the stains set any further, I called the boss, took a "personal day" (like a sick day, only you don't really have to be sick -- we get two a year), and employed much time and many methods to rid my house of The Smell of Ass.
To no avail.
The rugs are currently rolled up in the garage and going to the professional rug cleaner's after work today. I get 20% off if I bring them in myself -- whoopee.
Comments
so, who is going to 'pay' for feeding the dog vegetables?
because I'd have 'em in a vat of acid for lesser things...
Posted by: heather at February 23, 2005 07:11 PM
I'm not at liberty to say, as I have no real proof that it was absolutely the reason for my dog to explode.
Posted by: Pirate Wench at February 23, 2005 08:23 PM
I'll trade you two ancient, semi-continent cats--one of which I now get to puncture and plug into an IV bag twice a week--for an occasional doggie discharge any time. And don't forget the toxic waste hairballs.
If not for tile floors, I would have had to burn the place down.
Posted by: groundhog at February 23, 2005 09:33 PM
No, really, which family member do we get to blame for feeding your dog carrots and green beans? I mean, you're obviously too smart to have done it...
Posted by: Mickey at February 23, 2005 11:06 PM
So here I am on my vacation in San Diego feeling a bit of pity party since our "sun" vacation has been drowned in some of the worst rains in San Diego history (oh the irony for someone who flew down from freakin' Seattle).
And I see that there is a new 'Wench blog and I'm all happy and excited.
And then I read it. Yikes! I know you said there would be poop in your blog. But... I mean.... Hey now!
Sorry for the mess. Man. Words fail.
Posted by: Stuart Moulder at February 24, 2005 07:38 AM
I can't remember anything about your doggie emptying herself from both ends, but I send my sympathies and a wet noodle to administer punishment.
Posted by: Mommie at January 3, 2006 04:10 PM