February 25, 2005
Husband Is NEVER Going to Let This One Go
There exists an agreement between God, the Devil and myself. The agreement is that I never drive over 80 mph, and they leave me alone. So far, it’s worked. Eighty is the maximum speed at which I feel safe -– physically, mentally, spiritually, ethically, financially, whatever.
So Husband and I were driving up north -– well, I was driving because he can’t drive and live at the same time -– and we were talking about the possibility of getting me my very own computer.
Needless to say, this prospect has me DELIRIOUSLY HAPPY! This means I can blog away to my heart’s content, a) in the privacy of my own home office, which has a door on it; b) without fear that the stepdaughters will be able to find some shred of blog material on the family computer and trace it to this website, which I have given the rating “SDI” or “Step Daughter Inappropriate.”
All of a sudden, Husband goes, “POLICE CAR!”
I immediately crawl into the back seat and tell him to take the wheel. No, I don’t really. I glance down to the speedometer to realize that “keeping up with traffic,” to my brain, apparently means “going 90 mph.” I hit the break and FREAK. I’m sweating, I’m whimpering, I’m pretty sure I’m speaking in tongues.
Sure enough, Mr. Copper glides up behind me and turns on his lights. A million things are running through my brain. I’m scared to death. I’ve only been pulled over once before, and that was because they ran my plates and were hoping to stop my ex-husband, who’d had his license taken away for drunk driving.
But my record is SPOTLESS. I’m the cheapest person in the family to insure (wait, perhaps I should rephrase the cheap part…), and Governor Blago himself sent me a handwritten note on “From the Desk of Rod” memo paper, to congratulate me on my fabulous driving record. It can’t be marred! How will I define myself without my snowy white driving record?! I’ll just be “that tall blonde with the nice rack.” How pathetic! I can’t bear to think of it!
Even more terrifying, I’m in Wisconsin, and I’m from Illinois. You know what people from Wisconsin call people from Illinois? FIBs. Fucking Illinois Bastards. Kind of a harsh rebuttal to Cheeseheads, but whatever. I’m screwed. I’ve heard about how Wisconsin cops treat Illinois ne’er-do-wells, and I know I’m never going to see my loved ones again. I roll down my window, take off my sunglasses and put my hands where he can see them.
The first thing Officer Weber says is, “I have you clocked at 86. Why were you going so fast?”
“Um, we were talking, and I guess I just wasn’t paying attention.” Oh God. Did I just tell a traffic cop that I wasn’t paying attention to my driving?!
He chuckled, “Well, that’s an honest answer!”
He then explained that I was doing more than 20 over the speed limit, so he was going to have to write me a ticket.
I said, “I know. I was stupid. I accept my fate.”
Which made him laugh again. Then he explained, rather apologetically, that I wasn’t really driving dangerously because lots of people were going that fast. I just happened to be the one he clocked, and it wasn’t personal.
He was SO NICE! I couldn’t believe it! I was so relieved, I was practically smiling when he handed me the ticket! “Thank you, Officer!”
“Don’t thank me!”
He didn’t realize that I wasn’t thanking him for making me pay $255.40; I was thanking him for not crushing my skull with his bare hands. Also, for not questioning my alleged weight on my driver’s license.
Comments
So, would it be worth your time to take a day off of work, go up to the hearing, and ask for mercy from the judge since it is your first offense? Lots of times they'll give you six months and if your driving record stays clean they'll keep it off your record.
We had to do this with one of the wife's tickets...still paid the fine, but it kept us from getting double-dinged on the insurance.
Posted by: Marty at February 25, 2005 02:39 PM
Plus, you'll have the joy of defending yourself against an institution that wasted their time and yours by charging you for something that they admitted wasn't dangerous to yourself or anyone else. How completely ridiculous.
Posted by: Adam at February 25, 2005 07:47 PM