April 07, 2005
Heather's Birthday: The Journey Continues
So we're at Russell's BBQ joint, and this is where it really starts to get chock full o' White Trashy Goodness.
Wait, flashback -- before we even get in the car, Heather's Dad has his little paper and pen and is asking everyone, "Beef or chicken?"
So I say, "Slugs." What is he talking about? Do we have to call ahead or something? Or is he a control freak who has to order for everyone?
Well, that was my bad. I was thinking Carson's Ribs, when I should have been thinking Whistle Stop Cafe. No, not the inside; out back where Big George was serving "his kind."
"Dad! Let her get there and look at the menu!" Heather said.
"Okay. Cole slaw or applesauce?" he asked me.
"Applesauce."
In unison, the entire family gasped and recoiled in horror. Tsk. Major faux pas, apparently, but I stuck to my applesauce guns.
(Now I totally want a gun that shoots applesauce. Maybe Heather's Dad can put his mustard bottles aside for a bit and make me one?)
Where was I? Oh yeah. At Russell's, you order at the counter, wait for the food, then bring it to your table. So it's like Burger King, only much slower and with wood paneling. The men gallantly stood in line, while we women sat down and chatted about NPR and the national debt and the likely candidates for Pope.
Yeah, right. We picked two tables closest to the t.v. and watched "America's Funniest Home Videos." I'm not proud. But, dude, when cats and children start getting hurt, I'm mezmerized!
"All this show is are guys getting hit in the crotch," said Heather's Mom. Like that's a bad thing.
Oh, and don't forget the snot. There was footage of some teeny-bopper gathering, and one of the girls laughed through her nose, producing an unbelievable amount of snot that seemed to defy the laws of physics and go everywhere.
And then our food arrived.
Shredded meat on a bun with all the sauce you can suck down. It was totally kickass. Luckily, Heather sat between Heather's Brother and I, or there would have been a sauce fight. He's either madly in love with me, or he's a retarded jackhole. Quite possibly both.
Heather's Mom had coffee with her dinner. What is that? Coffee is for breakfast and dessert. There's nothing refreshing about coffee. She's not old enough to be drinking coffee with her dinner! We were all greatly vexed.
After dinner, Heather's Brother started collecting up the unused paper plates. Dinner comes on those cheap paper plates that you need to stack three-high to get a real paper plate, and Heather's Brother was collecting the ones that didn't actually touch food. See? It's things like this that... *sigh*. He's just so bizarre.
Then he started talking about Tolkien. "We have to get a Tolkien!"
The author? He wants to read? Here? Wouldn't he rather have a book with lots of pictures?
But Heather explained that he meant a token. For the chef's crotch. Of course. I don't know why that wasn't clear to me.
Apparently, if you're a little kid (or a retard, or a hottie), you can get tokens for the prize machine from the guy at the counter taking orders.
Here's Heather getting her prize.
In keep with that evening's theme, she got snot. Heather's Sister got a little Scooby Doo Mystery Machine magnet! AWESOME! I got a Sponge Bob Square Pants bobblehead. EQUALLY AWESOME! I don't know what Heather's Brother got. I think he swallowed it.
In the van, Heather's Sister was all, "Here, Heather, you can have the Mystery Machine, since you're the Birthday Girl!"
Awwwwwwww! Adorable!
I was like, "Don't even be lookin' at my Sponge Bobblehead, I don't care who you are!"
Awwwwwwww! Asshatty!
Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of Heather's Birthday, when we'll hear Heather's Brother say, "Ummm...."
Comments
in case you're wondering, the *real* prize is getting to put your hand in the Russell's Chef's pants.
what's so funny about today's post is that it captures, exactly, the feel of the whole experience.
the best part is that while I was sitting next to the blonde hottie that is the Pirate Wench, I was TOTALLY thinking about Fried Green Tomatoes. but just the hot girl-on-girl parts. or were those just in my mind?
Posted by: heather at April 7, 2005 01:47 PM