April 06, 2005

Heather's Birthday: The Journey Begins

Well, Heather turned 21 again on Sunday, and I was honored to be the only non-family member present at her family celebration.

Honored... and a little scared, as her party seemed to have sort of a White Trash theme to it.

First, all seven of us piled into the family van. Heather's Mom (hott), Heather's Dad (nearly coherent), Heather's Brother (short bus rider), Heather's Sister (bunny-licious), Heather's Bro-In-Law (hi-fekkin-larious), Heather and me.

And altho' I call Heather's Sister and Bro-In-Law by their real names, the rest of their family is actually Heather's Dad, etc., much like The Boy Child and The Girl Child.

Why? Because Heather's Brother can't be bothered to remember my name, so he calls me Heather's Friend. So I call him Heather's Brother, and from there, it just grew into a thing. (Oooh, lame inside jokes -- so funny to other people. Not.)

Heather's Brother is totally retarded, and I probably shouldn't even say that because he may actually be "learning disabled," which just puts me one ring closer to Dante's Inner Circle of Hell. Dude leaves notes and snack foods in really odd places in Heather's room, and he has the handwriting of a serial killer. This is some "outsider art" he created with my digital camera.

Heather's Mom is a total M.I.L.F. I know it makes Heather jealous, but it's so hard not to flirt with her! Plus, she's way cooler than you'd think a professional quilter would be. And she looooooves the Pirate Wench! Which is new for me. Friends'/boyfriends' fathers always loved me, but I always got the stink-eye from the mothers. But not Heather's Mom! She's kewl!

Heather's Dad is... wow. Really, really sweet, if not altogether present. He showed me this gag joke he made, with an empty mustard bottle and some string, where it looks like you're squirting mustard all over someone. It was pretty cute, and I'm actually thinking of making one for Nephew. But still, I could feel my eyes... glazing... over...

Heather's Sister is totally gorgeous, like Heather. But whereas Heather is gorgeous in a sex kitten kind of way, H's Sister is gorgeous in a cuddly bunny kind of way, right down to the button nose. But don't let the cuteness fool you. She's as snarky as the rest of the lot.

Funny thing is, none of the Heather siblings look anything alike. There's a family joke about Bob the Hot Mailman that I'm starting to suspect is more of a painful family secret than a joke. There's a skeleton in the closet, and he's wearing navy blue shorts and knee socks!

I spent much of the evening -- and every waking moment since -- wondering who the hell Heather's Bro-In-Law reminds me of. There's a specific Oh, That Guy! that I'm thinking of, but since I can't remember anything he's ever done, I'll describe him like this. He's the 20-something brother or brother-in-law on any sitcom, the one who gets all the good lines, and the one who gets ignored despite the fact he's the only one with any brains. Yeah, he's That Guy.

So we were on our way to Russell's, which is some famous Chicago BBQ place that Heather ALWAYS has her birthday dinner at.

Crap, I just ended a sentence with at. I hate that. It's like saying "ax" instead of "ask," which Heather's Mom was doing all night long, just to annoy the rest of us.

And I'm getting rambly and bad-grammar-y. Time to give it a rest. Tune in tomorrow for the rest of the story, and more photos, as Heather puts a token in the chef's crotch!

Posted on April 6, 2005 02:07 PM

Comments

Posted by: heather at April 6, 2005 02:42 PM

Posted by: lil bus rider at April 25, 2005 07:26 PM

Posted by: Mickey at April 27, 2005 02:19 AM

Post a comment

Name:

Email Address:

URL:

Remember This Information? YesNo

Comments: (you may use HTML tags for style)