April 21, 2005
I've Always Wanted To Direct
So Heather posts this on her blog about the Fast Forward Film Festival, and like an idiot, I agree to do anything she needs -- costumes, driving, fluff girl -- except acting. Because I can't act my way out of a paper bag.
And what does Heather call me up and ask me to do? Act. Of course. Because I said I can't. And because I also told her I hate being on camera. Which are two perfectly good reasons for Heather to test how much I love her. Bitch. (Bitch pictured below.)
And then, as if I wasn't already planning to fake my own death rather than be in her movie, she tells me they're filming on location in downtown Chicago.
What?! I have to leave the safety of the suburbs, too?! I'd better have my own trailer! And plenty of bottled water for my dog!
"We'll have coffee and donuts," she said.
That'll do.
So after much angst and calling of everyone I know to come with me, I not only took the L downtown, I did it by myself! Yes, my Mom dropped me off at the L stop, and yes, Heather picked me up in a cab. But I was all alone on that train, people! And there were minorities!
Anyhoo, the tremendously understanding Heather picked up my sheltered ass at Randolph and Dearborn and escorted me to the location, which was actually Her Boyfriend's/The Director's place of employment -- an old hotel turned dorm. GORGEOUS!
[You people have figured out by now to do the rollover thing on my photos, haven't you?]
Going in, I was pretty intimidated. Mord, the director, was obviously under a TON of pressure, having to do a whole short film in less than 24 hours. And Joe, the guy I was to do the scene with, and Heather both have improv experience. The only "improv experience" I have is making up lies on the spot to save my ass. Not quite the same thing.
But it was soon apparent to me that they were all flying high on donut-sugar and quite out of their minds. So I blended right in. This is Joe and Andrew, two of my fellows actors. Mighty Joe looks kinda weird because he has an entire donut in his mouth.
The part they had me play was that of a snotty co-ed (in a bathrobe) who had locked her keys in her dorm room on her way to the shower and was quite pissed that the help desk guy wouldn't give her a key without her I.D.
Snotty and pissy? I can totally do snotty and pissy! That's not acting! That's just me without chocolate!
It was actually really fun and not heinously difficult. It would have gone faster, had Joe not kept cracking up, but can I help it if I'm hilarious? No. I cannot.
At one point, I did flash Joe the hogans, but it was for my craft, people! I am a slave to my art!
Afterwards, I was treated to a yummy stir-fry lunch and a threesome with Heather and Joe. Again, people -- it was for my craft! Don't judge me!
As of today, I'm the only person in the entire midwest who hasn't seen the finished product, "Can I Help You?" Everyone who has seen it says I'm "hilarious", by which they mean, "We're totally laughing at you, not with you!"
Comments
oh man. mord is going to KILL me - I didn't tell him about the threesome!
also: as of this filming, you and I had the exact same amount of improv experience. if by "improv" you mean "lying my ass off"
seriously, people, I promise I'll be posting the film, once we're done tweaking it into submission. we just want to make sure you see every details of the flashing scene...
Posted by: heather at April 21, 2005 03:21 PM
I'm amazed that you were able to secure a cameo by Elton John (See photo above Mord. He used the codename "Joe"). Can I call him "Mord"? It seems like Heather should be the only one that can call him "Mord", but when I call him Chris he gets so snippy. Then again, as an emerging screen star, you must be very familiar with how directors get. Heather directed me to your site weeks ago and I haven't stopped laughing. Can't wait to see the film. Break a leg.
Posted by: Heather's timid co-worker at April 21, 2005 04:43 PM
Holy cow, is that first picture you?!
*gets in line behind Heather*
Witty *and* HOTT. Oh my.
Posted by: Celtic Elff at April 21, 2005 07:54 PM
oh no no no...she's the witty one,I'm the penis-shirt wearer.
(blush)
Posted by: heather at April 28, 2005 10:44 AM