April 18, 2005
Things I Do That Annoy Myself
1. Saying, “I’m starving!” Am I really starving? No. Of course not. Although I can see my feet just fine, alas, my ribs are but a fond memory. To say that I, with my bottom cubicle drawer full of microwave popcorn, Kraft Easy Mac and Tootsie Pops, am enduring scurvy and faced with an uncertain future undermines what it truly means to be starving. I could live off the fat in my right buttock alone for three weeks. I’m a horrible, horrible person.
2. Waiting too long to go to the bathroom. My place of work moved to a new location last year, and now my desk is at the farthest possible point from the bathroom. And I’m way too lazy to drag my Diet Pepsi-sodden ass down the hall as often as I should. Which means that, when I do go (about the time my kidneys start aching), I have to tiptoe, so as not to slosh around too much.
3. Conversely, waiting too long to go poop. As a rule, I don’t like to sit on the toilet and read or meditate or whatever the hell it is that people do when they take half-hour-long shits. So I wait until my bowels are damn good and ready, so that I can squeeze one out in less than 10 seconds and get on with my life. But sometimes, I wait too long, and then I’ve got a turtlehead poking out. Not a comfortable walk.
4. Talking on my cell phone while I’m driving. For some reason, I can’t get it thru my head that I, too, am a witless asshole when I drive and talk. I will swear to make a sailor blush when someone in front of me has forgotten what the gas pedal and turn signals are because they simply must discuss the last episode of “American Idol” in detail, but that’s just other people. I don’t forsake driving skills for mindless so-what-are-you-doing conversations. NooOOOooo.
[Coming up this week: My adventures in filmmaking with Heather, AND Heather's Mom's birthday celebration! I'm practically the red-headed step-child of that family.]
Comments
turtlehead? oh my god gross.
Speaking of gross, I'm sitting here, reading your 'starving' entry and I see "tootsie pops" and wonder to myself: "what ever happened to Tootsie Pop Drops?"
then I read the next two entries and nearly hurt myself laughing.
because, well, she just HAD to foreshadow with the tootsie roll product before she started the poopin conversation, didn't she?
Posted by: heather at April 18, 2005 02:46 PM