May 09, 2005
A Subtropical Interview
Subtropic couldn’t resist, so why should I? The deal:
1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by asking you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your LJ with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.
And since there are few things I like to talk about more than myself, I demanded an interview and got these AWESOME questions:
1. You wake up tomorrow and find that you have the heightened olfactory abilities of a dog. How will this change your life? What will you roll around in?
It would’ve been a nice trait to have after I discovered that Ophelia had a kegger in our home while we were on vacation. I’m pretty damn sure I know what went on, but the keen sense of smell would have told me approximately how many were there, what they smoked, what rooms they were in, what $ex acts went on, etc. But seriously, if I had a dog’s ability to smell food everywhere, that’d just make it even more ridiculously hard to resist food. In ten years, I’d make the news when they had to remove a wall of my house to get my dead, bloated body out. The paramedics would be like, “God, what did she roll in? Is that Oreos?”
2. (Stole this one from author John Dufresne.) You run into someone that you haven't seen for 20 years. Maybe you were friends, or dated casually, but there was never a relationship. During your conversation, you notice that there is a picture of you in his/her wallet. He/she is aware that you've seen it. What happens next?
Actually, something close to that happened. Eight years after we barely dated, an ex wrote me a letter, mailed to my parents’ house. Turns out, he’d been carrying a torch all those years, even becoming a drunk and then drying out. I was horrified to think that I caused him all that angst. And also, I just wanted to yell at him, “Dude, I’m so not worth it!” But back to your question and what happens next. I ask why it’s there and, whatever the answer, end the conversation quickly, out of sheer awkwardness. And then obsess over it for the rest of my life.
3. After you reached maturity, you had the ability to change $ex at will. However, the process is extremely painful, comparable to childbirth, and goes away after ten years. How often have you gender-flipped, what made you want to, and do you still have your original equipment?
So, I get to experience childbirth-like pain and be a man. Um, where's the supposed up-side? After the novelty of whacking off a few times gets old, I sure as hell don’t want to be a man for ten years. First of all, I don’t want to have a $ex thought every three seconds. I already have a hard enough time focusing already. Second of all, assuming I’d still be 35, straight, white and middle-class, I’d be one of the last groups it’s still “okay” to discriminate against. Forget it. No deal.
4. You ran over a dog with your car. You see the dog by the side of the road, still moving. Would you continue on your way, go back and try to help it or go back and put it out of its misery? (Or carve another notch in the dashboard...) How about a cat? A squirrel?
I’d go back and try to help it, without even thinking. A cat? No, sorry. And I know that cat-lovers everywhere are FREAKING OUT, but I just don’t like cats. In fact, I fear them. How do I know it’s not just pretending to be dying so it can lure me over and then STICK ALL ITS CLAWS IN MY FACE?! I’m not saying I’d laugh, I just wouldn’t stop. A squirrel? Been there, done that. Had to pull over for a minute, trying not to faint or barf. The tail was still twitching!
5. A relative you can't stand is dying, and needs a kidney transplant. You are the only person with a matching tissue type. Would you donate your kidney? What if the person is a pedophile? A murderer? At what point is the life not worth saving?
Depends on the age, really. The two relatives of mine I can’t stand are well over 70, and I just can’t justify slicing myself open, only to get 5-10 more years of asshole behavior. But if it were a child, or the parent of young children, I’d do it. But ONLY because, if it’s a relative, then I probably have other relatives who love him/her, and I’d do it for them, not the actual recipient. Pedophile or murderer? No way. Fuck ‘em.
* * * * *
Now. I don’t care who you are, if I know you or not, if you've ever commented or not -- I’d love to interview you! Leave me a comment! And when you answer the questions, I’ll link to it here.
Comments
Sure...go ahead and interview me. Don't know if there is anything else you can learn from this thick skull, but give it a try.
Posted by: Marty at May 9, 2005 04:15 PM
OK, I'm in. Somehow I think I'll regret this, but go ahead and give me your five questions.
Posted by: Stuart Moulder at May 9, 2005 04:18 PM
Okay, I'm ready! Interview me! (maybe it'll save me from having to think of a topic on my own tomorrow!)
Posted by: Queen of Ass at May 9, 2005 05:58 PM
Interview me!
Posted by: Animated Max at May 10, 2005 02:40 PM
Well some (stupid) person person said that turnabout is fair play, so have at it.
And Ms. Winch? That's subtropic, not subtopic.
Posted by: subtropic at May 10, 2005 06:51 PM