May 18, 2005
Contents of the Nuclear Pantry
I'm totally ripping off Max's anthopological blogging idea. Except it wasn't really his idea in the first place; it was some Phil McCracken guy, so I don't feel too bad about the stealing.
But to differentiate myself a tad (as Max differentiated himself by doing his freezer instead of his fridge), I'm going to log the contents of my Nuclear Pantry for posterity.
*sigh* Fine. If you're too lazy to read Max's insightful and intriguing blog, I'll sum it up. The concept is to list the contects of... something, then create "a 'bio' for each product, including assumptions, beliefs, and reflections about them," so that when people read my blog 1,000 years from now, they'll learn something about the time I lived in. Or something.
And now I have to make a disclaimer:
To All Anthropologists of the Future -- I am in no way representative of my time. Please do not hold anything you find in my blog against my people.
Next on the agenda, two explanations about the Nuclear Pantry. What is it, and where did the name come from?
My Nuclear Pantry is the huge stash of groceries I have stored in the bottom file drawer of my desk. I am not a human. I don't eat three big meals a day. I'm a cow. I graze. I probably eat something little every two hours. So I keep a variety of food items near me at all times.
The name Nuclear Pantry was coined by GC, of JELLO! fame. A bunch of us were vacationing together, caravaning to our destination in Iowa, and we were an hour and a half late getting going because Christine took fucking forever loading her car.
In addition to the normal stuff one packs -- and over-packs -- for a trip, she also packed many, many food items. Including, an entire palatte of canned Beanie Weinie. Seriously, like, sixteen cans. Because... they don't have grocery stores in Iowa??? Freak. GC thought perhaps she was anticipating a nuclear holocaust, and thus the name was born.
Anyhoo, here's my list. Get ready for an historic event.
Orville Reddenbacher's 94% Fat Free Kettle Korn
This was purchased because actual fat-filled kettle korn is awesome, and I was hoping that this would be a nice way to satiate my sweet tooth in a not-too-unhealthy way. Yeah, not so much. The box is about 6 months old now, yet I can't throw it out because there are children starving in Ethiopia. Without microwaves.
Kraft Easy Mac
I think I've already covered this here.
Country Time Pink Lemonade Mix
I'm not sure why I have this. It's turning into crunchy rocks. I think it sounded like a good idea when I bought it, cuz I love lemonade, but I never remember that I have it. Or maybe I just resent the images of swimmin' holes and apple tress and front porch swings that it conjures up while I'm stuck in a cubicle.
Del Monte Lite Sliced Peaches
I have to force myself to eat one fruit and one vegetable -- in some form -- every day. I know, I'm supposed to have, like, twelve servings or something. I'm working up to it. Get off my back.
Del Monte Lite Sliced Pears
Ditto.
Canfield's Diet Cream Soda
Yet another attempt to satisfy the sweet tooth without the calories. Hugely more successful than the fat-free kettle korn. However, were I able to actually find Diet Mug Root Beer anywhere, there would be no need for any other beverage. Damn you, Mug, and your shitty distribution!
Quaker Oatmeal Squares Cereal
These are totally yummy for snacking, and much less bad for you than chips or Cinnabon. In fact, they may be The Perfect Food, as I can lower my cholesterol while stuffing my face, and they require no preparation or utensils! Ah, a sad little glimpse into my priorities.
Hunt's Fat Free Pudding Snack Packs
The Other Perfect Food. Most of the chocolate taste, none of the fat. Surprisingly satisfying. It's got a good beat, and it's fun to dance to -- I give it an 8.5.
Diamond Shelled Walnuts
I've always loved walnuts. My grandpa would always make me shell them for him to put on his cream cheese on toast, and we would make a game out of who could come up with the biggest, unbroken piece. But I never ate them because: nuts = fat. Right? But now I find that they're a good source of omega 3 fatty acids, which are, apparently, not as heinous as we'd originally thought. So bring 'em on!
Smarties Candy Rolls
Do these things even count as food?
Hill's Bros. Cappuccino Double Mocha Mix
For those mornings. You know the ones. I don't like coffee really, so it has to taste like a candy bar in order for me to drink it. Why not a Diet Coke, you ask? I just can't do pop before noon. I know, that sounds totally Amish, but there are just some things I can't subject my stomach to in the morning. Lucky Charms, for instance, are a dinner food.
Tastefully Simple Toffee Coffee Mix
Yummy-licious, caffienated, and only 70 grams of fat per serving!
Campbell's Chunky Hearty Vegetable with Pasta Soup
A good, quick lunch, because I'm too lazy to make and pack myself a lunch in the morning. And the deli downstairs get old fast. And if I went out to lunch every single day, like I'd like to, I'd be even fatter.
Campbell's Soup At Hand Classic Tomato
Ditto above, minus the pesky spoon requirement.
I wonder what future anthopologists will conclude about the Pirate Wench...
Comments
I feel like a total galinda for admitting that my 'nuclear pantry" has 12 bottles of diet coke in. and a handful of coughdrops. because, they're the perfect breakfast.
of course, if my dad or brother came to my work, I'd probably have pudding here. (http://www.picturepicture.net/archives/2005/01/the_pudding_art.html )
Posted by: heather at May 18, 2005 02:24 PM
"Pop"? What the hell is "pop"??? 'Round here, it's COKE. It's ALL coke. If you want a Root Beer? It's ROOT BEER COKE. Pop ain't a drink, darlin'. It's a Dad.
Posted by: Queen of Ass at May 18, 2005 02:43 PM
pop?
coke?
we have soda, here, in the city.
SODA!!!!
Posted by: heather at May 18, 2005 03:13 PM