May 16, 2005
I'll Tell You What I Want, What I Really Really Want!
Several days ago, Heather's Timid Co-Worker posted my 100th commented, and as a token of appreciation, I opened myself up to any humiliating question he wanted to pose. And was rewarded with this:
Heather is the reason I've come to enjoy the dickens out of your site, so I thought I'd pose a question that touches on a topic near and dear to her heart:My question to you is, what Spice Girl are you most similar too? I'm not talking about the superficial, physical similarities NECESSARILY, but rather beneath those multiple, complex layers that really make a Spice Girl tick. Explore the dynamics of your choice and peel back those emotional Spice Girl layers.
For the record, I am not gay but rather bored out of my mind here at the office and a bit delirious from huffing model-glue in the bathroom for the last hour.
The dickens, even! Something tells me that HTCW isn't the only one of my readers who huffs model glue, but that's neither here nor there. Couldn't he have asked me something easier, like which Monkee I'm most like? (Totally Mike.) Well, onto my answer.
Yeah, good thing you're not asking about the physical similarities, cuz there are none. Except for, perhaps, Ginger Spice's melons. So let's move on to their inner beauty, shall we?
I thought, at first, I was most like Baby Spice (the one in pink), what with the blonde hair and stuffed animal collection. But I am neither terribly young nor terribly brain-damaged.
Scary Spice (the one making a face like a jungle cat) is, perhaps, my exact polar opposite. Okay, yeah, I'm a little scary, but I'm scary in a bury-you-in-the-back-yard-for-eating-my-chocolate-stash way, whereas she's scary is a what-the-fuck-is-with-that-green-glitter-eye-shadow way.
Posh Spice (the one in the strappy sandals) is a tall, wealthy whore, and while that would seem like a perfect fit, I'm just not into clothes the way she is. And the last time I wore a spandex mini-dress, the other Bush was in office.
Now, breaking up the band with my diva attitude is so me, as well as Ginger Spice (the redhead), but no one in their right minds would make me an ambassador to anywhere.
One, two, three, four... oh, yeah! Sporty Spice (the one in orange)! The oft-overlooked Spice Girl. She is, arguably, the prettiest, i.e. she doesn't need to rely on green glitter eyeshadow and nipple-baring necklines to be attractive. She's more subtle in the way she presents herself, happy to let Baby and Ginger hog the spotlight, while she waits for the truly discerning connoisseur of female-pop-stars to notice and appreciate her.
And that's pretty much me. I know my place, and I'm cool with it.
I'm not the one that guys fight over. I'm not the one that sets them drooling. I'm not the one at the center of attention. I'm not the one whose photo they whack-off to.
But to any man who is truly appreciative of talent and wit, I Am The One.
Comments
oh my god. could this post be any more gay and awesome at the same time?
for the record, I think my timid co worker is protesting a little too much in his gayness...he's pretty darned gay(as evidenced by his question), which is why I like him so gosh-darned much.
funny, I like the spice girls so much i would be hard pressed to choose my favorite, but I'm thinking it'd be a tie between scary and sporty...and, for the record, I think that the modest miss pirate wench has all of the spice girls in her....I'll work on encouraging her to wear the spandex minidress and platform sandals, I promise!
Posted by: heather at May 16, 2005 02:57 PM
Ah, dear Wenchie, where would I be without you to brighten my day?
Posted by: Lola, aka Pumpkin Pie Spice at May 16, 2005 03:05 PM
Crap, the over-compensation gave it away again. Well, hell, who cares?! IT'S RAINING MEN...HALLELUJAH!
Posted by: Heather's timid co-worker at May 16, 2005 04:53 PM
I'm impressed that you tackled this Spice Girls post, Wenchie darlin!
I agree with you, I think Sporty is the prettiest Spice Girl (this from me, who looks quite a bit like Ginger Spice, boobies and all!)AND has the best voice. (So glad she's solo now) She has the most gorgeous EYES!
My brother-in-law, who is now become my SIL (because he thought he was gay, but realized he wasn't and in fact should have been a woman and now IS one), is a pro makeup artist (NOT of the green glitter eyeshadow, though!) and did the Spice Girls makeup for one of their videos and told me that Sporty is not only the prettiest, but also the NICEST most real one of the bunch. Of course, he/she said he wanted to slap Posh upside the head because no matter how much makeup he put on her "fugly face", she kept screaming "MORE! PUT MORE!!!!!".
Another Spice story: when I moved here, I did a stint as a Kindergarten teacher for a year in a school that had all grades. This was in 98, so still in the throes of the Spice Girl Revolution. Some of the teenage girls there called me..... Ginger Spice Teacher.
Oh GAWD. I can't belive I just admitted that to you!
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at May 17, 2005 05:36 AM
Oh yeah, I almost forgot.....
So tell me what you want, what you really, really want! *insert gibberish here*
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at May 17, 2005 05:47 AM