May 17, 2005
Terms of Endearment
When I was young, way back in time, and candy bars were a quarter, I thought the most perfect, wonderful, validating words ever possibly uttered were, "I love you." Oh, how I longed to hear them! I made deals with God. I made deals with Satan. I made deals with the butcher at Jewel. And when finally that first boy said it to me, I thought I would just die of happiness.
A half-dozen boyfriends -- and a half-dozen confessions of love -- later, it occurred to me that maybe "I love you" didn't have the magical, life-sustaining power that I had originally thought. And by that time, I had stopped getting taller, and my family DNA was settling in. So the three most important words in the world became, "You're not fat." He got sex, I got ice cream -- it was a win-win situation.
"You're not fat" has sustained me for quite a while. But recently, a man told me that, although I never finished college, I "come across as very well-educated." Really? Moi? Goddamn but that's even better than "You're not fat!" If I wasn't married (and we weren't in traffic), I would've been on him like The Boy Child on Lucy. And truly, I thought I had finally heard the pinnacle of affectionate outpourings. Dude thinks I'm smart!
I recently joined a local choral group, and we rehearse once a week in the music room of the high school that my step-daughters attend. (It'll all make sense in a moment, just bear with me.) Because they are teenagers and in desparate need of expressing themselves as hugely and retardedly as possible, there's always stuff written on the black boards. Stuff like Brass is the Ultimate Section! and Mr. Madder smokes chalk.
Last night proved no different, and the chalkboard had this to say:
Nick C. completes my world domination scheme
Is that not the fucking coolest thing you've ever heard?! I immediately wondered who this Nick C. person was and wished I was him.
I mean, to complete someone's world domination scheme -- THAT has to be The Ultimate Pillowtalk. If someone said that to me -- "Pirate Wench, you complete my world domination scheme" -- I would collapse in his arms, rip off his clothes and start amassing my flying monkeys.
Comments
I think I'll just stick with "Your not fat." Although the world domination thing DOES get a girls attention, doesn't it?
Posted by: Queen of Ass at May 17, 2005 10:51 AM