June 29, 2005
Stewards of Electrical Resources
So, y'all remember Gary, right? King of Condescending Office Memos? To get the newbies up to speed -- he's the office G.M., he's a total control-freak nightmare, he's a Gemini, and his hobbies include changing office rules without telling anyone, writing lengthy diatribes about proper use of the coffeemakers and color copier, and binging on Krispy Kremes.
When he retires, there is going to be THE BIGGEST FUCKING PARTY EVER!!! He won't be invited, of course.
So here's his latest email. He feels the need to send these out quite regularly, lest we all regress to childhood and start running with scissors and eating paste.
Observation:Our office lights are often on well before most people arrive and well after most people leave. Some task lights are left on during the night. Also, typewriters, calculators, TV and other equipment are left on when not in use.
Suggestion:
With just a little thought, we can be better stewards of our electrical resources. If you are one of those arriving early (before 8:30), consider using the lights only in your immediate work area. Likewise, at the end of the day (after 4:45) leave on only those lights in your work area that are being used and needed. Check around your area before you leave each day to make sure lights are out. Consider turning off equipment (other than computers and printers) when they are not in use.
Thanks for doing your part.
Hmm. Maybe we should take up a collection to pay the electrical bill? I wonder how much power it takes to raise and lower the building's garage door four times a day so he can park in his cushy, indoor, reserved parking spot?
Couldn't he just say, "Please remember to turn off electrical equipment before going home. Thanks!"? No. No, he could not. Because we wouldn't understand that. None of us have ever heard of energy conservation.
We are all cigar-chomping, six-figure-making, Ford-Excursion-driving, AK47-toting, veal-eating Republicans who LIVE to deplete our planets resources. In fact, I turned all my faucets on this morning before I left the house. Then I turned my A/C to 60 degrees and opened all the windows. Yes, Mom, I AM trying to cool the entire neighborhood!
But, clearly, the best part of this memo is his grade-school-teacher-esque attempt to get us all to play nice by calling us Stewards of Electrical Resources. That's definately going on my resume.
1969 - Present: Steward of Electrical Resources
Do I get a big belt buckle for that?
Comments
I'm actually thinking that may be the best tombstone line ever.
Rest In Peace
Office Guy
1955 - 2015
Steward of Electrical Resources
(and of our Hearts)
Posted by: heather at June 29, 2005 11:37 AM
BTW - it cost the company $60 to read his memo.
Figure $100 per hour, per employee (cost for peons and suits averaged together with salary, benefits, utilities, rent, desk space, coffee, etc.)
That comes to $1.60 per minute per employee.
30 seconds for 75 people to read the memo = 37.5 minutes total
37.5 minutes at $1.60 per minute = $60.
That's probably more than what would be saved by turning off the lights.
Posted by: InnocentBystander at June 29, 2005 12:53 PM
"writing lengthy diatribes about proper use of the coffeemakers and color copier"...
Bet you got the diatribe about the color copier started, didn't you? Making copies of your fanny...
Posted by: Marty at June 29, 2005 04:42 PM
You guys should get the AssJet 2000. It makes fabulous fanny copies
Posted by: Mord at June 30, 2005 09:29 AM
It's not that we just like talking about any VAGINA. It's specifically that we like to talk about YOUR VAGINA.
Posted by: Queen of Ass at June 30, 2005 08:07 PM