July 25, 2005
Fighting While You're Driving Is Still Legal
The Introduction
It started simply. A beef that I'm sure plenty of wives have with their husbands. (And possibly vice-versa, but since we gals are spared ownership of a penis, we get to use our brains to make important life decisions.)
"I feel like your work is more important than I am," I said, "If you spent one-tenth of the energy that you spend at work, on me, we'd have a much better marriage. Arrrgh!"
And clearly, this was his opportunity to say, "Oh, honey, how could you think that?! Of course, you're more important to me than my work! You're the most important thing to me in the whole world!"
I'm so easily manipulated. That's all he had to say, and I would have prepared to be boarded.
But no.
He chose that moment to TALK MORE ABOUT HIS WORK AND HOW IMPORTANT IT IS.
And now, you women out there -- and you men who have been married for more than a minute and a half -- are groaning and slapping your foreheads. Yes, the man is a dolt.
The Climax
It didn't take long for things to escalate to the point where I was pounding my hands on the steering wheel (oh, did I mention I was driving at the time?) and shreiking spittle into his face.
"Don't even pretend that you're working this hard for me! It's not like, if I dropped dead right now, you'd start coming home from work at 4:00 and stop working from home on weekends! I don't want material things -- I want time with my husband! Gaaaaaaaaaaah!"
So he said, "Let me out here, and I'll just take a bus home."
Now, bear in mind that, at the time, we were over two hundred miles from home.
So I pulled over.
Don't ever bluff me, people.
I don't know if you guys ever did this, but when I was in high school and college, this was The Funny Thing To Do: While a friend is talking to you, you start staring at them real intensely, and then you lean in for a kiss, and stop about an inch from their lips. It freaks them out.
A guy friend did this to me once. So I called his bluff, grabbed him and kissed him.
We dated for seven months.
AND I got a gold necklace, a black leather motorcycle jacket and a $250 bottle of champagne. Which I drank with another guy.
I. Will. Call. Your. Bluff.
Needless to say, Husband didn't get outta the car.
The Resolution
We were nearing our destination, so I had to wrap things up or subject my family to The Great Mexican Stand-off (which I am a Master at, having been trained by my first husband, who is Mexican, and a Scorpio). I basically wrote what he needed to say on cue cards, and I kicked him in the shin when he started to ad lib.
And then he bought me a bracelet.
Yeah, another headslap.
I thought that "I don't want material things -- I want you" was pretty clear, but perhaps his eardrums had exploded by then? After all, I am a trained soprano.
In other news, my new bracelet is sooooooooooooo pretty!
Comments
did he stall by saying he needed his glasses to read the cue cards?
also: I LOVE when they do the impossible bluff thing.
calling your bluff is as irresistable to me as quoting the simpsons is to any american male....
Posted by: heather at July 25, 2005 02:57 PM
Pictures please! (Of the bracelet, not the spittle.)
Posted by: Queen of Ass at July 25, 2005 06:04 PM