July 08, 2005
Implement the Necessary Communication Plan
Today, boys and girls, we are lucky to have a Guest Submission from occassional commenter, Garrance, of JELLO! fame.
Inspired by the fucktardedness of the Stewards of Electrical Resources post, Garrance felt compelled to share his own tale of workplace electrical savings implementation.
The following is a survey that Garrance received from The Home Office of the Huge Upscale Department Store that he works for. This memo was issued to ALL the stores because ONE store -- Garrance's -- consistantly overrides the lighting system.
See, Garrance is in charge of all the displays at said store and often arrives at work at 4am. When it's dark. And there are no lights on. So instead allowing Garrance to change the timers so that the lights go on WHEN EMPLOYEES ARRIVE, the Home Office's solution is to, instead, be complete assholes about the whole thing.
Hence, the following email survey memo thingy, entitled:
ELECTRICAL SURVEY Making it a habit...The intent of this survey is to ensure that each store is aware of the cost savings steps to be implemented within each store and to provide a checklist to assist in making these actions a habit every day.
Please complete the following checklist for your store. If these action points are not something your store completes consistently every day, implement the necessary communication plan and owners to ensure that these actions become an integral part of your everyday activity. The goal is to have every store im compliance every day by July 1.
To indicate your response to each item, place the cursor arrow on the box corresponding to your response and left click. RETURN THE SURVEY BY FRIDAY, JULY 1.
Okay, then there's a chart. Picture it, if you will. The first column is a column of Electrical Savings Habits:
1. Turn off all manual light Switches when room not in use (offices, employee lounge, training room, etc.)2. Turn escalators OFF 30 minutes after store closing
3. Turn escalators ON 30 minutes prior to store opening
4. Turn of PC at end of the day
5. Turn off POS terminals at the end of the business day
That column is followed by two other columns, entitled
Currently Do This Every Day
and
Will Consistently Do This Every Day
each with Yes and No boxes for checkmarks.
Unfortunately, there is no column for I Have Absolutely No Intention of "Implementing" This, Now or Ever, You Stupid Cow.
My favorite part is "implement the necessary communication plan." This is something Alfred says to Batman. This is not how normal people talk.
Also? The font used is Comic Sans. I just can't take Comic Sans seriously. It's a kiddie font. Now, Garamond or Bookman Old Style I totally respect. But Comic Sans? Geez, you might as well make all the O's into smiley faces for all the authority it conveys.
Clearly, the memo was either typed up by the 19-year old summer intern. Or the cutsie font is meant to soften the edges of what is otherwise an utterly condescending steaming-turd of a memo.
Husband never turns off lights. Anywhere. Ever. I've also come home to find the bathroom fan still on and the back door standing wide open.
I'm totally drafting a memo.
With little boxes for him to check, like I Do This To Get Back At You For Nagging Me About All the Half-Empty Diet Coke Cans I Leave Around the House and Will Never Do Because I'm Distracted Thinking About When We Can Have Sex Next.
Comments
I don't see what the big deal is. I mean, what do you think he is...the electric company??!!
Seriously though, this guy is a walking butt plug. I'm grateful you work with him though as it provides me plenty of enjoyable posts to read. If I were you, I'd hide somewhere one night after the office closes. Once he leaves, turn on everything that has a switch or a plug in the building. I mean EVERYTHING. The place will be lit up like a freakin' carnival when he gets into the office at 4am. After a few days, he should become literally insane. Insane people make me laugh.
Posted by: Heather's timid co-worker at July 8, 2005 04:07 PM
This is something Albert says to Batman.
Who the heck is Albert? Do you mean AlFRED????
Posted by: Max Hufnagel at July 10, 2005 12:39 PM
Max, Albert is Alfred's cousin. Distant cousin. I'm just sure of it.
Posted by: Queen of Ass at July 11, 2005 08:53 AM