July 27, 2005
Jeepers Creepers
GUESS WHAT I'M NOT WEARING RIGHT NOW???
(I guess that's not really a question... ah, who cares.)
I know several of you are voting for panties. And many of you are voting for a bra. And you in the back, you said an air of piety? Dude, I don't even know what that means. But you're all wrong.
It's GLASSES!!!
I have been wearing glasses since the sixth grade, when I was having trouble seeing the chalkboard, just like in all the After School Specials -- "Why Can't Wenchie Read?"
That's over two decades, and I've kinda gotten used to being a cyborg. The glasses are just always on. They're part of me. Wenchie has ten fingers, two eyes, one nose, seventeen personalities, and one pair of glasses. And I'm okay with that. Really, with the blonde hair and the big boobs, I'm kinda grateful for something that goes against the stereotypical bimbo look.
In the early 90's, I tried contacts. It seems every man I've ever dated or married (current Husband aside) has tried to get me to wear contacts and/or get my hair permed. I mean, ditching the glasses I understand cuz they always have to be removed to a safe location before necking. But the perm? What the fuck? I have great hair! I just don't get that at all.
Anyhoo, the contacts sucked. My ridiculously sensitive eyes never got used to them. After a mere two hours with them in, I'd look like Spicoli just getting outta the van. "Dude, I'm so wasted!" Bloodshot to hell, with an added bonus: The Desire to Gouge My Eyes Outta My Head with a Rusty Spoon. Fuck, they hurt.
So, I just resigned myself to being mechanically enhanced for the rest of my life. Surely others have heavier crosses to bear. It's fine. And with my discovery of prescription sunglasses, all the better to see you without squinting, my dear!
But contact technology has come a long way in the past decade. Contacts are ridiculously comfortable, 99% breathable, and can even correct my astigmatism! And when I put them in and wore them outta the office at JCPenney's, I couldn't believe how FREE I felt. Free of those stupid things hooked behind my ears and sitting on the bridge of my nose and making my eyes look smaller than they are.
I wasn't expecting the ENORMOUS JOLT OF CONFIDENCE it gave me! I always thought I had accepted my glasses, deep down in my heart of hearts.
But I guess I hadn't.
I bought some NORMAL SUNGLASSES on the way outta the store. Here's a jolt -- I have never, ever in my life bought normal sunglasses. All the sunglasses I've ever worn cost $300-$400.
But now? I can buy $10 sunglasses! Sunglasses I can lose or sit on or trade with someone or give to a homeless person or throw off a bridge because they only cost ten bucks! I can buy ten pairs! All different! One for each of The Many Moods of Wenchie! It's INCREDIBLE!
My first pair are pink, square and rimless. I call them my Charlie's Angels shades. I'm not sure why. I think I'm gonna get some Blues Brothers ones, and some Hello Kitty! ones, and some with rhinestones! BECAUSE I CAN!!!
And I also bought me a celebratory purse. Well, they were right by the sunglasses!
Know what I've noticed? I'm kinda pretty. I mean, I'm not gonna turn many heads, but I have really pretty eyes. And I can see them. You have to understand, I've only ever seen my eyes with my glasses on, when my fun-house-mirror prescription makes them appear smaller; or with my glasses off, in the mirror that's too far away to see clearly. But I can see my face now.
And so can everyone else. It's weird. To me, it looks kinda... blank and empty and plain. I wonder what it looks like to other people.
Comments
yay! no glasses!
WE all know you have pretty eyes and face and hair....
you'll turn more heads than you realize...
and, in the seldom-heard-of-off-chance that you don't, the "Nobody Move! I lost my CONTACT!!!" gag works every time.
Every Time.
Posted by: heather at July 27, 2005 01:03 PM
Pictures PLEASE!!!
Posted by: Queen of Ass at July 28, 2005 12:18 PM