July 07, 2005
Let It Mellow
So you know how there's that stereotype that all Jewish people are cheap? Well, aside from it not being true (my Lady Boss is Jewish and always brings me presents when she goes on trips -- have I mentioned that I love presents?), as it turns out, it's also not Politically Correct, or un-PC.
Un-PC means that, if you say something bad about someone different from you, you can be arrested for a Hate Crime, tarred, feathered, drawn, quartered, eviscerated, poked with a pointy stick, and made to wear polyester blend slacks in last season's colors.
But I have a solution. The Norwegians. As it turns out, the last time the Norwegians were victimized... well, no one remembers the last time the Norwegians were anyone's victims, and that's really the whole point. In fact, the only thing 99% of the U.S. population knows about us Norwegians is that, at one time, we raped and pilliaged just about everyone else out there.
Therefore, we remain -- along with fat people, sopranos and trailer trash -- one of the last groups of people you can safely make fun of. So, when you want to cleverly illustrate someone's extreme thriftiness, for example, instead of calling them Jewish and opening yourself up to the Spanish Inquisition, you can just point, laugh and call them Norwegian.
And no one will care.
Because it's totally true.
Take, for instance, my family. At our summer cabin, we have a holding tank. For those of you lucky enough not to have one, I'll explain. The whole town is just one, big slab of bedrock, which makes your typical sewer system impossible. So, we get our water from our own well, and when we shower, wash dishes, poop, pee, etc., it all goes into a big, underground tank, which then gets pumped out and... I don't know what happens to it. And that's the way I like it.
So, my family, in order to avoid paying for a lot of pump-outs, has a rule, in the form of a rhyme you've perhaps heard if you've been to camp:
If it's yellow, let it mellow.
If it's brown, flush it down.
How quaint.
As a result, there was lots of toilet paper in the bowl when I got up one morning and had to piss like a racehorse. Seeing such a full commode, I thought it wise to flush before I peed.
Imagine my horror when toilet paper and pee-water went cascading over the porcelin rim and onto the floor, soaking the bathroom rugs and edging ever nearer to my bare feet.
Husband woke out of a dead sleep (it was 6am) to my screams and, being a man of action -- and a man of wanting to shut me up, quickly grabbed a plunger and got to work.
The tsunami was over quickly, but the aftermath lingered, putting physical and emotional strain on the entire community. There was pee to be mopped up, rugs to drip-dry and family members to blame. People had to wait for the floor to dry before attending to their morning powder room needs. And I was mighty pissed off. And almost literally, pissed on.
So there are two morals to this story.
Moral the First: Norwegians are cheap and should be mocked.
Moral the Second: It's okay if you're a cheap Norwegian because someone else will mop up your pee.
Hmm. That second moral really sucked.
Comments
Oh Wenchie - all morals suck, unless they're somehow keeping people from bugging me, of course.
Posted by: heather at July 7, 2005 01:40 PM
I'll tell you what sucks. The "If it's yellow" part? I've heard that before.
Posted by: Anne at July 7, 2005 02:20 PM
What do you do if it turns out green instead of brown?
Posted by: Mordecai at July 8, 2005 09:45 AM