September 20, 2005
Far from the Civilized World
FINALLY, I'm getting around to answering Queen of Ass' question:
"Alright...this is serious. Are you ready? Because I totally have a serious one this time. If you were, indeed, Admiral of my Royal Navy, what supplies and marital aides would you bring along, and why?"
Clearly, the first provision would be a Cabin Boy, strong and true. I even have one picked out. His name is Aaron, and he's T-A-L-L and blonde and buff and 13 years younger than me. He can hoist a mainstay like no one I've ever seen, and I used to be his Sunday school teacher. See? Perfect. I mean, if I'm living on a boat, far from the civilized world, why not go all the way, eh?
Of course, I'd need a laptop and wi-fi, on which to blog about all my raping and plundering and skullduggery. And then I would write about what happens when we leave the ship. Oh ho ho, I am so very funny, indeed.
Plenty of hair-care products because all that wind and salt water is HELL on my gorgeous mane.
My dog, Daisy, because parrots suck. (Yes, they do! All birds are creepy!) And maybe a little monkey in a fez. Pirates have monkeys, right? I need him to climb the rigging and fetch me my tankard of rum.
Gotta have some Barbies. Not my entire collection -- that would be silly. Just the My Scene Barbies and all their clothes, so I can change their outfits when I'm bored and Aaron won't tell me where he hid the cat o' nine tails.
What else? Um, plenty of hoodies, jeans and really good all-weather shoes. And Tang, so I don't get scurvy. And some books. And sunscreen.
And should Cabin Boy Aaron get washed overboard, I suppose I should bring Heather with me as back-up. Her gentleman friend would be pretty pissed, but fuck 'im! I'm the Admiral of Her Royal Navy! I can do what I want! I am above the law! The seas bow to my whim! All shall love me and despair!
And then I'd need, oh, some maps and a compass and stuff like that. So when I find land, I'll know who I'm plundering. It's only polite, after all.
Re-reading the question, I realize that piracy is, perhaps, not what Queenie had in mind for the post of Admiral of Her Royal Navy. Then again, she knows what I am. She asked me. What does she expect? Diplomacy?
Hooliganism. Debauchery. I might even engage in some shenanigans. Who knows -- we'll see how I feel.
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Comments
Wenchie, you're SOOO my hero. I'm assuming Aaron and Heather are the marital aides, right?
Posted by: Queen of Ass at September 20, 2005 01:11 PM
I have never, in all my years as pirate booty, been referred to as a marital aide.
I have, however, found myself serving as backup on more than one occasion....in a platonic fashion, of course. (love you, gentlemanfriend! smooch!)
I find it HILARIOUS that wenchie referenced Tang. because, well, Tang is funny!
yo ho ho!
Posted by: heather at September 20, 2005 04:54 PM
A little monkey in a fez? Bah! Why do people always insist on putting monkeys in fezi? (Fezi, the plural of fez. Look it up if you don't believe, non-believer!)
Little monkeys, they hate the fez!
Posted by: Max at September 20, 2005 05:18 PM
I was with you up to the dog.
Posted by: Fresh? at September 21, 2005 05:27 AM