September 22, 2005
Squirrel Stalker
Remember PJ, of fly and bee fame? Well, she continues to be persecuted by the animal kingdom, and now the insects have been joined by the mammals.
The following is the whole story, recreated as best as I could, having heard it only via cell phone, while PJ was laughing hysterically. I think she has finally snapped.
PJ, Ramone, PJ's sister and PJ's sister's husband were walking their dogs at the dog park one evening. Said dogs include one Golden Retriever, one Rottweiler, and two Bernese Mountain Dogs. These ain't yer mama's lap-dogs.
PJ was bringing up the rear and heard some rustling behind her. She figured it was some harmless, cuddley forest creature and paid it no heed.
But the sound kept coming, which was odd. So PJ turned around to see that it, indeed, was a harmless, cuddley forest creature. A baby squirrel, to be exact. One helluva brave baby squirrel.
A moment later, PJ turned around again to see that the baby squirrel was still following them. A baby squirrel. Following four massive dogs. Perhaps I have overestimated its bravery and underestimated its stupidity?
PJ turned and saw the squirrel a third time, and it was at that point in the story that I became convinced it was some sort of evil, bionic squirrel, sent to destroy them as the first step in its plan to conquer the world. What else could account for such fearlessness in the face of such big teeth?
Then it hit me.
"PJ! Was it rabid?!"
"Well, Ramone said it wasn't."
Oh. Of course. Because Ramone is a pet psychic.
But they picked up their speed anyway. Because, well -- BABY SQUIRREL RUNNING AFTER THEM! Don't laugh! This level of tenacity in a creature the size of a Marshmallow Peep is quite disturbing!
Pretty soon, they're running. Eight fully-functional beings -- none of them weighing less than 100 lbs. -- running from The Baby Squirrel of Doom. I wish I could have seen it.
They hit the parking lot, and the squirrel was no longer behind them. IT WAS ON THE HOOD OF THEIR CAR!!!
Kidding. It wasn't really. But wouldn't that be awesome?
They opened the car doors (each couple drove their own car), and PJ noticed that the harmless, cuddley baby squirrel, who has obviously developed a taste for human blood, was sitting on the edge of the path, where it meets the parking lot, staring at them with its soulless, beady, black eyes. PJ screamed, and everyone started the mad horrow-movie-esque scramble to get in the cars and close the doors.
Ramone, in a very brave and manly move, threw a dog dish full of water at the squirrel, who approached them undetered. Then he threw a handful of Milkbones, hoping to either distract the baby squirrel or knock it unconscious. But where there is a thirst for blood, Milkbones are no substitute.
By the time they were all safely in their cars -- doors locked, windows up -- the baby squirrel had made its way underneath the McGees' car and was just sitting there, probably trying to figure out how to disconnect the engine. This seemed to be their chance. They had the baby squirrel right where they wanted him!
But they were unwilling to pull the trigger and get squirrel innards all over their tires, so they waited until the baby squirrel went back into the woods, to await its next potential victims.
So when you're walking through the forest preserves, and some squirrel swoops down and rips your heart out with its little claws and buries it in the forest floor, YOU'LL KNOW WHO TO BLAME!
Comments
But wouldn't that be awesome?
It sounded pretty awesome even without that touch -- now I want to find a baby squirrel to be stalked by!
Posted by: Max at September 22, 2005 02:50 PM
How weird. Can I have one too?
Posted by: Queen of Ass at September 23, 2005 09:20 AM
How long did they have to wait for said threatening squirrel to retreat back into the forest for its next victims? What would have happened if it didn't retreat for hours?
Posted by: Andrea at September 23, 2005 06:02 PM
No! The next one is for me, not you!
But I'll share.
Posted by: Max Hufnagel at September 24, 2005 12:12 PM