September 30, 2005
The F Word
So I've explained about our Mission Suppers on Thursdays, and how we're obsessed with food, and it never takes more than five minutes for the conversation to deteriorate into Tales of Bodily Functions.
Yeah, we're a classy group. And like a bunch of A.D.D.-addled chimps, there is very often more than one conversation going on at any given moment. In fact, I'd have to say the minimum is four -- Mom talking to herself, one conversation about poop, one hot gossip session, and someone re-telling the previous conversation to Dad VERY LOUDLY. Meanwhile, Deb is laughing uproariously at... something, and Jim is shaking his head in silent dismay. You don't have to be related to be dysfunctional!
Last Thursday, two of the conversations going on were: One about The F Word, and one about plate-passing.
The F Word conversation was about how best to use it effectively.
Least effective is the I-don't-have-a-real-vocabulary way, i.e. "I can't believe that fucking cop gave me a fucking ticket. What the fuck, man?"
Most effective is when Grandma says it, "You fuckers get off my lawn!"
Yeah, it was a little odd, sitting at a dinner table with my parents, and every other word was Fuck. Now I know why Kelly Osbourne is so f*ed-up.
Suddenly and without warning, Mom committed the cardinal sin of passing her dirty plate to the end of the table while there were still people eating, earning herself much squawking from K.
"Irene! There are people still eating down here! No one wants your dirty plate!"
"Hey! G just passed his glass down! Why didn't you yell at him?"
"Cuz he wanted more wine!"
"Oh, so it's okay to pass an empty dish if you're looking for refills while people are still eating?"
"Yes!"
"Well... tough! I was finished eating!"
"Oh, sure, it's all about fucking Irene!"
I instantly had a series of small strokes. She used my mother's name in conjunction with The F Word! I didn't know whether to laugh my ass off or kick her ass!
Ah, so many ass-related options, so little fucking time.
Comments
So fucking true.
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at October 3, 2005 07:24 AM
How the fuck do people cuss around their grandparents???
Posted by: Queen of Ass at October 3, 2005 01:46 PM
Is anyone else wondering where the FUCK Pirate Wench is?
YOOOO WENCHIEEEEEE!!!! BABY. WHERE ARE YOU?? *kissy kissy* (it's inquisition week)
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at October 3, 2005 02:02 PM
I'm still waiting for my FUCKING glass of wine!!!!!!!!!Garrance
Posted by: garrance at October 3, 2005 06:41 PM