October 26, 2005
It's Berry Awesome!
I've been wanting to post about my Adventures in eBaying for a while now, but I was afraid that someone would find my auctions, then bid on and win something cheap, just to find out my real name and address and stalk me. Because, really, who wouldn't buy some piece of crap they don't want, just to find out a smidgeon of info on me?
Besides, it's finally gotten cold enough at night that Heather has stopped showing up drunk at my bedroom window at 3 a.m. -- I don't need another reason to turn on the hose.
So this post is about the many, many smelly, vapid-faced Strawberry Shortcake dolls I auctioned off recently. And while I'm thinking about 80's cartoon-and-toy icons, I have to tell you guys -- Mom's cell phone has as one of the ringtone options... THE SMURF THEME SONG! Laaa Laaa La-La La Laaaa, Laa La-La La Laaaaaaaaa! Swear to God! I'm so jealous!
Anyhoo, when not reading the LOST and America's Next Top Model recaps, I've been selling Strawberry Shortcake dolls for a friend on eBay. And as my level of nausea increased, so did The Obnoxious Factor in my description of those sweet, little dollies.
Take, for example, Huckleberry Pie.
About whom I wrote:
This is Huckleberry Pie and Pupcake, token male of Strawberryland and instigater of many girlie catfights, I would reckon.In the interest of full disclosure: He comes with his hat, which is a bit scuffed on top. Pupcake says 1982 on the bottom. His clothes are clean and intact.
I just noticed that he's wearing two different shoes. How odd. They're both brown and the same shape, but one is a little lighter and has hearts on it. Won't Strawberry be upset when she finds out her boyfriend has a little cross-dressing habit?!
Anyhoo, face paint is flawless on both boy and dog, and he still smells, well, presumably, like a huckleberry, altho' I have no idea what a huckleberry actually smells like.
Now, clearly, little Huck is gay. Well, I'm not sure any self-respecting gay man would wear overalls, but surely he's a little confused about his gender because he's the only guy that stuck around for the Eternal Tea Party & Fruity Perfume Expo that Strawberry Shortcake seems to be all about.
But I imagine that anyone collecting Strawberry Shortcake dolls is not the kind of person who wants to hear my jaded assessment of their beloved childhood friends. I also imagine that they have lots of cats and knit little outfits for them. And all the cats have names like Mrs. Sipsy Dimpleton and Lord Bootsie of Hackupafurballshire. And they are not the kind of people amused by my sick sense of humor. In fact, they thought "Anne of Green Gables" was a little racey and wrote heated letters about it to PBS. (I think about this way too much.)
Anyhoo, this is Purple Pie Man, Strawberry Shortcake's archnemesis and Hater of All Things Pure and Good and True.
I just couldn't auction this with a straight face. I mean,... *sigh*. I have my reputation to think of! So I wrote this:
This is Purple Pie Man and Berry Bird, foe to all in Strawberryland and general harbinger of doom. You can tell he's evil by the handlebar moustache.In the interest of full disclosure: He comes with his hat and spoon. He also has his apron and aqua tee-shirt, worn over his... purple tights. Or is that a loincloth rather than an apron? I don't know. His whole ensemble is a little confusing, and personally, I don't think I'd be scared of anyone who dressed like this. Especially the way his shoes curl up on the ends, like elf shoes.
Anyhoo, his face paint is flawless, and his clothes have no holes or stains. This doll is very clean and in great shape. He still smells grape-ilicious! (I'm so tired of opening plastic bags and sticking my nose in.)
Now, what do you have to do to be the archnemesis to someone named Strawberry Shortcake? Her only goal in life is to have the best scones in all of Strawberryland. How hard is it to thwart that? Just set her timer back when she's not looking so that they burn and -- POOF! You're an evil warmongor!
(By the way, where is Strawberry Shortcake's Swedish friend, Lingonberry Pancake? There's the token African-American Orange Blossom, the token Latino Café Olé (I'm not making this up), the token frog Crèpe Suzette, and the token stoner from Amsterdam Mint Tulip. Why is it that my people are always overlooked?)
But my favorite is the darling Plum Pudding.
Why is she my favorite? Because she sold for $72.77!!! That's why!
She's the super-rare Party Pleaser Plum Pudding! (And how's that for annoying illiteration?) You can tell she's a Party Pleaser because she's wearing a pretty dress and her owl is playing the accordian. Because nothing says PAR-TAY! like an accordian-playing owl!
I think, by the time they got to Plum Pudding, they were really reaching for fruit-related desserts. I mean, plum pudding -- who eats that? Unless her glasses are meant to indicate that she's the token Brit in Strawberryland? Or possibly the town librarian?
Well, here's what I had to say about her:
This is Party Pleaser Plum Pudding & Elderberry Owl. You can tell she's a Party Pleaser because she's wearing her best dress, and her owl is playing an accordian. I mean, what's a party without an accordian?!In the interest of full disclosure: She has her hat, still attached to her head by those little plastic thingies (which, I imagine, are giving her a huge headache). Elderberry is in perfect shape and says 1984 on the bottom.
Face paint is flawless on both doll and owl. Plum Pudding's clothes are without holes or stains -- in fact, if it weren't for the tiny scuffs on her shoes, you wouldn't even know this doll had been played with.
She smells like I would imagine plum pudding smells, if I had ever smelled it, but since I haven't, I guess I'm just going to have to assume that Kenner is accurate in their recreation of the plum pudding scent.
I'm going to hell for this one:
This is Strawberry Shortcake's token Latino friend, Café Olé and her pet donkey Burrito (which is either a very small donkey or a tastey meal from Chipotlé).
I also alleged that baby Butter Cookie is the love-child of Raspberry Tart and Huckleberry Pie. All this sweetness has made me bitter.
P.S. Someone named "queenkissyfur" bought a couple of the dolls. I'm gonng go out on a limb here and guess that she has multiple cats.
Comments
oh honey. Queen Kissy Fur is actually k. d. lang's ebay moniker. I bet she laughs everytime she has to type in her username and password.
Posted by: heather at October 26, 2005 01:18 PM
Did this entry make anybody else hungry?
Posted by: Queen of Ass at October 26, 2005 04:21 PM
Well, it sure as hell ain't RuPaul's ebay moniker, now is it?!
Here I thought it was perhaps Ellen DeGeneres' ebay moniker, but on second thought, I'm with Heather!
Oh, and Wenchie? Fantastic!
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at October 27, 2005 05:03 AM
Eh, Kissyfur was a cartoon character. Thanks for the laughs! I am a Stawberry Shortcake fan, but not CRAZY like those people who bought them from you ;-) Good to know I will make a good profit if I decide to sell. I Thoroughly enjoyed the commentary!
Posted by: nia at January 30, 2006 06:21 PM