October 20, 2005
MFK Smackdown!
Okay. As promised.
MFK - Famous Males You Have Lusted After* Christian Bale
* Joaquin Phoenix
* Bruce Campbell (had to throw him in there.)
Obviously, we have to pretend they're all single, or at least willing to leave their wives for me. Which isn't really that big of a leap -- their wives are certainly no prettier than I am. Meow.
Let's see... according to my research (i.e. hearsay and gossip), they all have some pretty major strikes against them. Mr. Bale is a lunatic, Mr. Phoenix is a druggie, and Mr. Campbell has kids.
Bale is 31, Phoenix will turn 31 next week (figures he's a Scorpio), and Campbell is 46. Well, Bruce is still younger than Husband. God, are the other two really younger than me? They look... I believe the phrase is ridden hard and put away wet.
Okay, decision time. Can't marry an addict. Been there, done that. So -- psycho or dad? There's so little distinction between the two sometimes... Oh, it's Bruce. You knew it was Bruce! Always has been, always will be.
To fornicate with? I'm thinking all that heroin or crank or mescal in Joaquin's body would probably hinder his sexual performance, so I gotta go with Christian. I mean, dude is IN. SHAPE. I just hope I can call him "Chris" or "Bale" or "Batman." I don't want to yell out "Christian" during sex. Reminds me of church. Not hot.
Kill Joaquin. I'd miss him, but then he could be reunited with his brother. In Druggie Hell. To do penance for their sins, together, through all eternity. Besides -- two Scorpios together? Now that's Hell!
MFK - Internet (and Real Life) Friends - Female* Heather
* Queen of Ass
* Scarlett Cyn
Okay, killing off guys with a few keystrokes, I really don't have a problem with. But making me off one of my sistahs?! Dude, that's cold. So let's get this over with.
Heather -- altho' hott -- can only cook one dish, she's a bathroom hog who can't stay outta the damn bathtub, and my medical insurance rates would sky-rocket, so she's completely outta the running for marriage. Queen of Ass also outta the running because there's only room for one psychopath in my relationships, and I'm that psychopath!
Yup, gonna have to marry Cyn. And move to Madagascar or wherever (damn you, public school education!). I mean, chick puts up with a Mother In Law who has, literally, put a curse on her. Heh, I'm a friggin' frolic through the roses compared to that bitch! Dear Scarlett would be so grateful to have me (and my awesome, adorable Mom), our lives would be Happily Ever After!
Now, who to... erm, have relations with? Meh, I've already done Heather, so Queenie it is!
Sorry, Heather, you're gonna have to die. But don't worry -- I will totally be a drama queen at your funeral and wear a black veil and sob hysterically and throw myself on your coffin as it's being lowered, yelling, "Why, God?! WHYYYYYYYYYY! It should have been meeeeeeeeeee!" Pure awesome. I'll try not to laugh.
MFK - Internet (and Real Life) Friends - Male* Uncle Twitchy
* John Kovalic
* Me (well, I almost had to, didn't I?)
Well, I totally have to marry Marty cuz he makes more money than the other two put together. Plus? He cleans house. Case closed.
But the next decision is as hard as the first one was easy. (All puns intended.) I guess what it comes down to is this: Do I want a lover who will gently coax me to arousal, own me with every inch of his tall-dark-and-handsome body, brush my hair afterwards, make me waffles in the morning, and send me roses the following day? Or do I want a lover who will take me on the kitchen floor with half our clothes still on, flip me over, grab my hair like reins and ride me like a pony, only to flick his cigarette at me when he's done and say, "Hey, did I show you my new webcam?"
Tough call.
Seriously.
Okay, new world order. Marry John, fuck Twitchy and kill Marty. Sorry, dude, but I just can't picture you having sex! And no, I'm not giving back my birthday presents.
P.S. I so wanna play this with Mom at Mission Supper.
Comments
Yay! Wenchie wants to do me!
(I am SOOO down with that!)
Posted by: Queen of Ass at October 20, 2005 10:49 AM
I would F Joaquin. The guy is gorgeous. Yeah, so he's a chain smoker and a recovering alcoholic...I just picture him being totally freaky!
Posted by: Mama_Cita at October 21, 2005 08:37 AM
yay! wenchie wants to kill me!of course, this leads me to wonder....how she kill me?
Posted by: heather at October 21, 2005 09:01 AM
No doubt J.P. would be totally freaky! But I had to kill someone!
As for you, Miss Heather -- DEATH BY NACHO CHEESE! And Jack Daniels alcohol poisoning. Overdoses: the tried and true of the Diva set.
Posted by: Wenchie at October 21, 2005 10:36 AM
LOL!!!!!!!3>
Posted by: heather at October 21, 2005 10:38 AM
Ouch. Death by Wenchie. Guess I deserved that, hanging the question out there.
You do realize that this just destroyed any chance you had at that Tiffany necklace...
Posted by: Marty at October 21, 2005 11:31 AM
Yaaaaaaaaaaaay! Does this mean we're getting married next month? Whoot! Shall I wear pink?
Hey, as yer spouse, you get to F me by default.
Honey? Can I have Gerry Butler as a wedding gift? We can share him.
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at October 21, 2005 05:03 PM
I only just saw this, and I'm happy to be part of this plan.
Posted by: Uncle Twitchy at December 17, 2005 01:20 PM