November 14, 2005
Closing Doors
Husband is physically unable to close anything or turn off anything.
Examples:
1. When getting silverware/toothpaste/potholder, he always leaves the drawer open an inch or so. AL. WAYS.
2. He leaves for work after I do, so I often come home to find that the water in the bathroom is still running. A thin stream, yes, but one that's been on for EIGHT. HOURS.
(He moves me to superfluous. periods. like no one can!)
3. I often come home to find the back door unlocked, and sometimes, even STANDING. OPEN.
4. He'll be in his office in the back of the basement, and yet EVERY. LIGHT. IN THE HOUSE. is on.
Makes. Me. Mental.
I've even come home a few times to find the garage door open. Like Thursday night. You know, after working a full 7.5 hours (quit laughing!), I just want to have a fudgcicle and look at catalogs. I don't appreciate having to enter my home with my musket at the ready and do a sweep of the entire house.
But my irritation turned to puke when I saw that the door from the garage to the house was also open. And Daisy wasn't running to greet me.
DAISYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!
Somewhere in the universe, Kahn is thinking, "Damn, that bitch is loud."
Somewhere in Milwaukee, Husband got a call from his whimpering, completely FREAKED OUT wife.
PW: DID YOU COME HOME BEFORE LEAVING FOR MILWAUKEE?! [Please, God, tell me he only left the door open for two hours instead of eight.]
H: No. Why?
PW: Because... [Wait a minute. I left after him this morning. So if he didn't come home this afternoon, then...] BECAUSE I LEFT THE GARAGE DOOR OPEN AND DAISY IS GONE!!!
The horror of my dog being gone was quickly replaced by the even more horrifying thought -- IT WAS MY FAULT! I left my house wide open for burglars and crackwhores and ninjas and teenagers and raccoons!
But how could that be?! I'm the responsible one! I'm the one who walks around the house turning off lights! I put everything away! I lock up tight before going to bed! I'M NOT THE STUPID ONE!
Except Thursday, when I was.
But I still totally blamed it on Husband when I called the police and asked if they had picked up a runaway dog. I mean, c'mon, what were the odds? He leaves shit undone all the time; I did it ONCE. It's more-likely-to-the-bajillionth-power that he'd be the harbinger of some disaster! So really, was it a huge stretch that I blamed it on him? No. No, it wasn't.
So the cop asked me the make and model of the dog I was looking for. Like, do people do that? Randomly call up police stations and hope there's a stray they can claim for their own? They'd still have to pay the $20 Dog Without Tags and $20 Dog Running at Large tickets (yeah, that's right), so it's not that much cheaper than just going to the Anti-Cruelty Society and picking up a pooch.
Then again, I've been to the Anti-Cruelty Society, and believe me, you get waaaaaaaay less hassle from the cops.
Isn't Dog Running At Large a great name for a band?
Anyhoo, before you people start sending me hate mail about WHY DON'T YOU HAVE TAGS FOR YOUR DOG? SHE NEEDS TO BE REGISTERED AND HAVE ALL HER SHOTS! Relax. Take a deep breath. Have an egg nog shake from Steak 'n' Shake -- they're fabulous.
I do have tags for Daisy. They just aren't on her when she's inside because they're noisy and annoying, and the whole point of this is that I wasn't expecting her to be outside that day.
The people at the animal hospital where she was impounded -- like a car, minus the Denver Boot -- were really nice. They didn't even charge me, so I thanked them profusely for taking good care of my dog.
And how do I know they took such good care of her? Because, when it was time to leave, she was like, "I'm sorry, what? You want me to leave these nice people, and the little puppy they let me play with, and the treats, and the petting, and the land of milk and honey, to go with the woman who left me to be eaten by wild animals? I don't think so."
But the part that really chaps my ass? This means I can no longer rag on Husband for leaving stuff open. Dammit.
Comments
you know, if you had tivo, daisy would never have left the house, no matter how many doors were left open.
also? any man who retorts "Oh yeah? Well, you almost lost daisy" during an argument deserves to be kicked, hard, in the jimmy.
I'm just saying.
Posted by: heather at November 14, 2005 02:25 PM
Oh my gosh. Tell my poor niece-dog that she can come live with us. I know I'm supposed to support my sister, but... hello, McFly...when you pulled out of your driveway, did you not notice the garage door open?!?! I can't believe that I'm siding with Husband, but that in no way compares to leaving a kitchen drawer an inch open. I think you need to call the police station and admit the truth; that it was your fault! At least you were big enough to admit it to all of us.
Posted by: Billi at November 14, 2005 02:34 PM
You can absolutely still get onto him about it. Now you have proof of how traumatizing it can be! (Just don't mention the fault part of it.)
Posted by: Queen of Ass at November 15, 2005 09:18 AM