November 29, 2005

Nuttin' for Christmas

Are you guys familiar with the song "Nuttin' for Christmas"? It was written in 1955, and the only reason I know of it is because it's on the Dr. Demento Christmas Album. It's charming little diddy about a young lad who has strayed slightly from the path of righteousness.

Anyhoo, the Chorale that I sing with has it in the Christmas program this year. We needed a few light things to balance out the Schubert and the Buxtehude. The words are a bit out-dated:

Nuttin' for Christmas

I broke my bat on Johnny's head;
Somebody snitched on me.
I hid a frog in sister's bed;
Somebody snitched on me.
I spilled some ink on Mommy's rug,
I made Tommy eat a bug,
Bought some gum with a penny slug;
Somebody snitched on me.

Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas,
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas,
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

I put a tack on teacher's chair;
Somebody snitched on me.
I tied a knot in Susie's hair;
Somebody snitched on me.
I did a dance on Mommy's plants,
Climbed a tree and tore my pants,
Filled the sugar bowl with ants;
Somebody snitched on me.

Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas,
Mommy and Daddy are mad.
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas,
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

So you better be good, whatever you do,
'Cause if you're bad I'm warning you,
You'll get nuttin',
You'll get nuttin',
You'll get nuttin' for Christmas.

Cute, but definately archaic. I mean, what the hell is a penny slug? So K decided that we needed new words -- if not for the concert, then at least to freak the hell outta the director at the dress rehearsal. And guess who she asked?

This is what I came up with:

Nuttin' fer Xmas, 2005

I stole a car and sped through town;
Somebody snitched on me.
I stabbed to death a circus clown;
Somebody snitched on me.
I dissected the neighbor's pet,
Snuck a gun on board a jet,
Searched for porn on the internet;
Somebody snitched on me.

Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas,
Mom and her boyfriend are mad.
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas,
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

I handcuffed Susie to a chair;
Somebody snitched on me.
Stole her cash and shaved her hair;
Somebody snitched on me.
I farted during Sunday mass,
Went kung-fu on Tyler's ass,
Smoked pot during English class;
Somebody snitched on me.

Oh, I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas,
Stepmom and Daddy are mad.
I'm gettin' nuttin' for Christmas,
'Cause I ain't been nuttin' but bad.

So you better be good, whatever you do,
'Cause if you're bad I'm warning you,
You'll get nuttin',
You'll get nuttin',
You'll get jack-shit for Christmas.

An instant classic, if I do say so myself!

If you don't know what gift to get for Christmas for your friends and family, try Christmas gift baskets! A huge selection of holiday gift baskets as well as various fruit baskets and great gifts for people at the office or your favorite teacher!
Posted on November 29, 2005 10:37 AM

Comments

an instant BOTTLE BAND classic, fer sure!

Posted by: heather at November 29, 2005 10:39 AM

Those lyrics are awesome! I would love to hear the Chorale sing that! You have quite a talent. Could you sing that here on Christmas day? I know my in-laws would love it.... seriously,.... they are also quite demented.

Posted by: Billi at November 29, 2005 11:33 AM

S: This was absolutely hilarious! You do realize you're going to Hell, right? Here's something to help you with the trip:
http://www.goohf.com/

See you there!
-Lori (aka delazan)

Posted by: Lori at November 29, 2005 12:41 PM

Classic... just classic... you rock my world.

Posted by: Mickey at November 29, 2005 03:42 PM

Oh MY GOD! Who told? Have you been stalking me? I KNEW YOU LIKED ME!

Posted by: Queen of Ass at November 29, 2005 03:42 PM

I wonder if Susie is still handcuffed to that chair, that's hot.

Posted by: Fresh at November 29, 2005 06:44 PM

I couldn't help but notice that 'G Pimp Daddy' and the 'Crack Ho's' were conspicuously absent.

Posted by: Matt at December 1, 2005 06:13 PM

'penny slug' : they used to make steel pennies (WWII copper shortage fear thing, I think). Penny slug is a bit of metal about the size & coloration of a steel penny -- in other words, the brat was an up-and-coming counterfeiter.

You need to record YOUR version and send it in to Dr. D.

Posted by: zenfrodo at December 6, 2005 11:46 PM

For some strange reason, I've had this song in my
head for the last few days. I searched Google
for the lyrics ("snitched on me") and came across
this page. I must say that your lyrics are
much more entertaining than the original :)

Posted by: Carmen at August 10, 2006 03:37 AM

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