December 19, 2005
750 South State, Part One: How Do You Not Like a Band with Four Guitarists?
We all know that all firemen are hott, right? I mean, it's just a fact of nature, like all large-breasted women are sluts, and the pyramids were built by aliens.
And we all know that all rockers are hott. Case in point: Jack Black actually gets pussy. 'Nuff said.
So what do you get when you combine Fireman with Rocker? Holy shit -- you get off-the-charts hottness. And I was contemplating some joke here about it being a good thing that they're firemen so they can keep the heat under control or something, but it just sounds gay, so I'll skip it.
Went to see fireman-rocker band 750 South State on Saturday night, because of this backstory. My friend Laura came with me, which was so cool of her, because it was witch's-tit cold out AND we had to drive, like, 40 miles to get there.
The first thing I noticed is that -- aside from losing the Coke-bottle glasses -- Matt has not changed at ALL since high school. He still has all his hair, and he hasn't gained an ounce. Bastard.
So there I am, drinking my Diet Coke, fanning the smoke away from my face, and writing in my tiny notebook. It's literally 2 x 2.5". Gee, I wonder why I didn't get hit on? Matt's wife came up and introduced herself, saying that Asst. Chick Boss told her to look for a "tall strawberry-blonde," but I'm sure Mrs. Matt was just being kind and didn't want to tell me that she was actually looking for "a woman so dorky that even beer-goggles would not help her."
And about this photo. It's really hard to take a picture of a band in a bar, what with all the moving around and dark, smokey ambiance and barsluts getting their heads in my way. This is as good as I could do. Please note that, although Matt's eyes do appear do be glowing with the fires of Hell, he is, in fact, not a demon, nor does he consume the flesh of Cocker Spaniel puppies between sets. That was just an ugly rumor taken completely out of context by the media.
So they did their sound check, and I can't remember what song it was (I am the best band reviewer EVAH!!!), but the lead singer, Brian the White Tornado, was really cute. Like, he could quit the band and become an actuary, and he'd still be cute. And he had this adorable way of getting his nose caught on the microphone when he sang.
After the sound check, Matt asked me, "How did it sound? What needs to change?" What? What do I care? You are FIREMAN-ROCKERS! I was too busy checking out your packages to listen, duh! God, isn't that why you joined the band in the first place?
When their set started for reals, Matt stepped up to the microphone, which kinda surprised me. And it turns out that Matt does most of the singing, but I didn't know that cuz dude was too humble to tell me! Which is a completely foreign concept to me cuz if I were the lead singer in a band, I'd have it tattooed on my forehead. And I'd hold my bangs back with a tiara so everyone could read it.
And can I just say? Matt's voice is AWESOME! Sorry, Brian. Your voice is nice and, truly, you are teh hottness, but Matt clearly has the superior pipes. It's just a fact of nature, like everyone with facial hair is evil, or Freemasons are behind every government in the world. And he kept his nose an acceptable distance from the microphone.
I was so impressed, I called Billi's cell phone. In a noisy bar. Adding to my dorky mystique, I'm sure. I yelled into the phone, "THIS IS MATT!" And then held it up. Like a dork. Are you sensing a theme here? I don't know if she'll know what the hell the message is, or even if she'll get it. Boy Child will probably listen to it first and then forward it to Paris Hilton's Blackberry.
Hmm. Well, this is gonna have to be a two-parter, because I still have four more pages of tiny notes, but I can feel that your eyes are starting to glaze over. Fine, go play some Bookworm or something. More tomorrow: dashed dreams, lesbian bathroom encounters and audience participation! Yay!
Comments
This is JUST what I wanted for Christmas!!! More cubic inches in my BIG FAT HEAD.
Thanks so much for coming out. It's cool that I get to see you in person and your readers just get to beg for more witty text.
Ha Ha suckers!
Posted by: matt at December 19, 2005 02:27 PM
I did get the message and listened to it a couple of times with my hubby. I said "someone called me from a bar, because I can hear a band playing in the background, but it must be a wrong number because no one I know goes to bars anymore!" DOH!!!! I'm sorry I missed it! Glad to hear he was awesome! Does he ever play up by the cheddar-curtain?
Posted by: Billi at December 19, 2005 02:44 PM
You bet thise guys are HOT. Try sitting behind them all night banging on shit, lookinig at their cute butts all night. Well..... Katies Butt was much better and female!
Rand
Posted by: Randellmann at December 19, 2005 04:42 PM
Um. YUM!
Posted by: Queen of Ass at December 19, 2005 10:04 PM
You know, the more I read of your writing, the more I realize that we're pretty much the same person, just different genders.
And I'm good with that.
Posted by: Uncle Twitchy at December 20, 2005 05:34 AM