December 12, 2005
I Have To Buy Grown-Up Clothes
Much of the reason behind Husband's buy-more-clothes comment is the fact that his new company's Christmas party is tomorrow night, and I have to be there, a la Glamorous Arm Candy.
And I don't wanna goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo.
There's gonna be all hoity-toity people there from the Mayor's office and shit -- yes, THEE Mayor. Richie M. himself. Kill me.
Now, I'm flattered that Husband thinks I'm good-looking enough to be arm candy. And I'm flattered that he wants me to be there, despite the fact that I'm sure he's sweating the inappropriate comment I'm apt to make to absolutely the wrong person.
But I'm just not designed to be arm candy, people. I'm designed for jeans and sneakers, and little else. Glamorous is just not in my genetic make-up. Billi got all the glamour genes, and that's just fine with me because I got all the important genes, like parody-writing and making fun of people.
I've had to buy an entire outfit for this event. First, I got a floor-length velvet skirt from Marshall Field's. Then I slapped down the $16 for one pair of Ultra-Control Top nylons from Victoria's Secret, which means I can't go to the bathroom all night, lest I put out an eye or something.
The quest for the perfect top is proving fruitless. Well, I found the perfect top -- TO DIE FOR -- but of course, it was only in a size 6 petite. Don't make me laugh. The only choices out there seem to be spagetti straps, no straps, 30 lbs. of beading, faux fur, or mother-of-the-bride.
I found two Liz Claiborne tops, so I have two fallback positions, lest tonight proves pointless, also. One is a basic white blouse, French cuffs, very classy. The other is a V-neck black sweater, MINIMAL bead detailing. And while they're both very nice, I was hoping to make more of a statement.
Maybe I'll wear antlers. Fuck it, I should just go Naughty Santa and be done with it.
Heather is taking me shoe-shopping tonight. And by taking me, I literally mean holding my hand and pointing to what I'm going to buy. And I will follow her advice blindly because I'm so intimidated by anywhere that isn't Shoe Carnival.
After the shoe-shopping -- assuming that it takes us less than two hours to find dressy, black shoes THAT I CAN STAND IN without needing a double amputation -- she's gonna take me on one last hunt for The Perfect Top.
I'm thinking black, striped, silk blouse and lots of cleavage. She's thinking cap-sleeve, empire-waist, jewel tones. I expect to hear lots of this:
W: This makes me look pregnant. What about that one?
H: Elvira called from 1985 -- she wants her blouse back.
W: Well, the green one shows my tattoo. Husband will kill me.
H: Why don't you just buy a fucking opera cape and take me home?!
Comments
When you're out looking for shoes, just remember that whether they're $20 or $200, they going to kill your feet by the end of the night. There's just no way around it. Good luck.
Posted by: Billi at December 12, 2005 03:19 PM
I vote cleavage. But that's just me.
Posted by: Marty at December 12, 2005 04:20 PM
Definitely get something that shows off your rack. Then nobody will care whether you make an inappropriate comment, as they'll be too distracted by The Power of The Rack.
Posted by: Mickey at December 13, 2005 02:03 AM
*SIGH*
(Yes, *SIGH*. Not *sigh* or *Sigh*, but *SIGH*.)
How I wish you had told me this while I was THERE!! I could have totally helped out, regardless of my bum leg.
*SIGH*
By the way, I think you make FANTASTIC ARM CANDY!
Posted by: Scarlett Cyn at December 13, 2005 03:45 AM
Get the shooezes so weez can call u "stumpy."
Posted by: G-man at December 13, 2005 09:13 AM
You'll look Simply MAHvelous whatever you wear ...
Now, unless you teach them to RichieD, do try and restrain yourself from belching and making the 'hand to forehead' geature. If he learns, you'll have a belchin' buddy !
Nice .....
Posted by: SnippyBitch at December 13, 2005 11:12 AM