December 15, 2005
Show Me On the Ornament Where Santa Touched You
Santa Claus is one scary mother-fucker. Seriously. He makes reindeer fly -- textbook witchcraft. He sees you when you're sleeping?! Gah! I can hardly close my eyes in December; I'm too afraid I'll open them and Santa's face will be right there, one inch from mine, eyes wide open, his Southern-Comfort-breath hot on my face.
Oh, most of you have bought into the whole benevolent toy-giver thing. And I bet you'd get into a van if someone offered you candy, too, huh? No? Then why are you accepting gifts from a being who defies all known laws of the universe?!
A clever few have figured it out. But they can't exactly go to their local newspaper and have them print a story -- "Santa Is Evil." Noooo, the danger is too widespread. So they try to get their message across is more subtle ways, hoping to get the facts through our brainwashed, nog-soaked skulls. Listen to your Christmas ornaments, people -- they're trying to tell you something!
Behold:
Husband and I thinned the herd of ornaments this year, while we decorated the tree. There was lots of:
"Is this yours?"
"I've never seen it before."
"Well, it's not mine."
"Meh. Pitch it."
But I had to take a photo of these before they went into the garbage. Clearly. Oh, where to start?
With the big one on the left, naturally. Do I have to point out what's wrong with a man who raises him arms and legs when you pull a little ball hanging between his legs? I hope not. Let's move on, shall we? Before we all need therapy.
The one in the middle almost changes my mind about Santa. He's putting a naughty kid into his bag. I don't remember that part of the Santa legend -- abducting the naughty children after the gifts are distributed to the nice ones. But I gotta admit, this is a practice I can firmly stand behind. In fact, I'm starting my own list.
You know, nothing says Christmas Spirit to me like a frog peeking out from behind a mushroom. Because, you know... um... frogs are green. And mushrooms, er... well some mushrooms can make visions of sugarplums dance in your head... I guess. Oh, I give up. There's just no justification for that thing.
In case you can't see it clearly, the ornament in the bottom right-hand corner is Santa... with a sheep coming out of his beard. Well. There's something you don't see every day. I just... I'm speechless. Did Santa invite the sheep to stay there? Did the reindeer kick Mr. Wooly out of the barn? Or rather, is Santa's beard infested with sheep? Neither scenario makes it okay. Sheep don't belong in facial hair. They belong on my plate. With some rosemary and a dollap of mint jelly.
And this concludes today's lesson. Please scour your own trees for these warnings from benvolent ornament-makers. God bless them, every one.
Comments
I think you might have missed the real reason why Santa is leaning over the back of the sheep.
Posted by: Marty at December 15, 2005 06:56 PM
I agree with Marty. Plus? All my ornaments are snowmen this year, and they're all new. Because the old ones live in storage. Where I cannot reach them.
Posted by: Queen of Ass at December 16, 2005 02:51 PM