January 06, 2006

Bitter and Jaded

I think I've mentioned that Heather is getting married, right? Or as I call her now -- The Bride! Now, I've had two weddings, so I feel that I am justified -- nay, obligated -- weighing in on this subject.

Weddings are eye-rollingly bothersome.

First of all, so much goes into prepping for "The Big Day," and little or nothing goes into prepping for every, single, mind-numbingly tedious day after that, and that's a little whack, doncha think? Of course, The Bride! and Mord have assured me that they are going to remain as voraciously and passionately in love as they are today, for the entire duration of their marriage. So they won't have to deal with the problems that the rest of us do.

When Mord leaves his railroad-tracked BVDs on the floor for the billionth time, The Bride! will simply giggle at him, tilt her head, smile and coo, "Oh, you silly boy! What am I going to do with you?" And he'll take her in his arms and make love to her right there on the floor, both of them so swept-away that they don't even notice the poo-poo undies by their heads.

Second of all, you get the same results if you spend half an hour at a courthouse. And then you have the rest of the day to shop for furniture or go to the zoo or paint the kitchen, AND you have the money to do it! When I got married the first time, my Dad offered me $10,000 to elope. I SHOULD HAVE GRABBED IT AND RAN. Instead, I had the big wedding with the live band and Scandi-Mexican buffet and open bar and yadda yadda yadda. And after all that, it didn't even take. We were divorced four years later.

The second wedding, I wanted to elope, and there wasn't even any pending $10,000 bribe from Dad. I just really wanted to elope. But Husband had other ideas. So we compromised and had a small, casual wedding. No flowers, no band, no white dress (obviously), no booze -- heck, I wasn't even wearing underwear, that's how bare-bones our wedding was.

Minutes before the wedding was to begin, I was peeing one last time with Egrau. As I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, doing one last face check, Egrau said, "Oh my God, you have V.P.L. so bad."

"Really? What should I do?"

"Take 'em off!"

"What?!"

"You're gonna be standing at the front of the church, and for an hour, all anyone is going to see of you is your butt! Take off your underwear!"

So I did, and she stuffed them in her purse. Classy.

...

Where the hell was I going with all this? Oh yeah! I was gonna mock The Bride!'s wedding planning. The Bride! had sixteen pages of single-space typed notes on all the wedding chapels in Las Vegas.

Did I mention she's getting married in Vegas? Uh-huh. Oh she's totally eloping -- she's just making the rest of us follow her there. I'd better get to see some elaborate show with midgets and pyrotechnics and drag queens and unicorns, or I'm gonna be really pissed.

Anyhoo, the enormity of all the chapel info was making her (even more) mental, so I -- in my anal wisdom -- put it all into a couple of spreadsheets for her. Spreadsheets with lots of columns, comparing various wedding packages, which all fit neatly onto 8.5" by 11" paper for printing. She should carry these spreadsheets instead of bouquet -- that's how beautiful they are.

I'd like to say more, but this post has already run too long. I guess I didn't realize how much I wanted to talk about ME today, so The Bride!'s come-uppance is just going to have to wait until tomorrow.

Posted on January 6, 2006 03:10 PM

Comments

Posted by: heather at January 6, 2006 03:13 PM

Posted by: heather at January 6, 2006 04:59 PM

Posted by: Mord at January 9, 2006 12:46 PM

Posted by: Queen of Ass at January 9, 2006 01:31 PM

Posted by: heather at January 10, 2006 08:25 AM

Post a comment

Name:

Email Address:

URL:

Remember This Information? YesNo

Comments: (you may use HTML tags for style)