January 25, 2006
Nikki Is My Mini-Me!
Seriously! It's like she's a little Pirate Wench in training! Don't believe me? Read this:
Okay, so I have been mulling it over... and I still don't know what I want to ask. I mean there are lots of things I want to know, but what to actually ask??So I guess I should just pick something, but my indecisive nature has already edited this short email 12 times.
And now it has been 5 minutes and GMail keeps autosaving this as a draft. Stupid GMail, pressuring me and shit.
*sigh* Here goes nothing. Being of sound mind and gigantic breasts, tell us all about a time said breasts came in handy for serving your evil purposes. Having used my own breasts to get myself broadcast on the jumbotron at a hockey game last night, this is a topic near and dear to my heart. And no, I didn't flash anyone, I just bounced around a lot. I'd never been on the jumbotron before and figured that was the quickest way to get there. And I was right.
SEE?!
Well, I've been mulling over the answer -- just like she had to mull over the question! Because we're so alike! Get it?!
Anyhoo, this is a difficult topic because it'd probably be faster to list the times I haven't used my breasts for my own evil purposes. Hell, I've even used my hair for my own selfish benefit.
I had a HHHHHHHHHHHOTT boyfriend who stupidly dumped me because he "needed space" to "find himself" or whatever. Which shouldn't have taken very long because he wasn't that deep. (Marty, you know who I'm talking about.) But I didn't want to have to wait for Sharpie McEinstein to figure that out.
He went to pee before driving me home... yes, brought me over to his apartment, gave me the speech, and then had to drive me home. See? Brilliant. While he was in there, I ran my hands through my long, silky, blonde hair, got a few strands and left them on his pillow. (Yes, Mom, we were sexually active -- try not to die of the shock.)
A few days later, to no one's surprise, I got the Can-we-talk? phone call, after which our couple-hood was reinstated. And? He totally admitted that he found some strands of my hair on his pillow, which made him miss me horribly and realize he couldn't live without me.
It was all I could do to keep from laughing maniacally and rubbing my hands together.
But this is about boobs.
And I've seriously pondered this topic and even kept myself awake at night, playing with them and trying to come up with a good answer. But I just can't, and I'm so sorry, Darling Nikki.
See, breasts and evilness and Evil Breast Usage are such an ingrained part of my everyday life, there's not really a time that such an occurrence stands out. I'm using The Girls to manipulate all of you right now, and you don't even realize it. It's not even a conscious decision anymore!
I guest my Ultimate Act of Breast Evil was nabbing my second husband and turning him from a Leg Man into a Breast Man. And such is the power of my hogans that I got a car for an engagement present, a yellow lab puppy for a wedding present, my own computer, and all the money and storage I need to keep the Barbies living the lifestyle to which they -- and I -- have become accustomed.
But is that really evil?
Well, maybe a little.
Comments
Seeing as how you are the awesomeness, the panel (i.e. Me) is much pleased with your answer. I especially like that you are using the power of the breasticles to draw all of us into your gravitational pull as we speak. Nice to know they are being put to good use!
Rock on, you wenchy Pirate, you.
Posted by: Nikki at January 25, 2006 02:06 PM
Oh, and I am SOOOO changing my name to Lil P Wench now.
Posted by: Nikki at January 25, 2006 02:07 PM
That's not evil, that's SURVIVAL, BABY!
Posted by: Queen of Ass at January 25, 2006 03:08 PM
That is the happiest story I've heard in a long, long time. *sniff*
Posted by: Uncle Twitchy at January 26, 2006 05:36 AM
Evil? This is only evil if Husband 2.0 minds. He doesn't seem to, so I think your karma is okay.
-Lori, playing goddess
Posted by: Lori at January 26, 2006 12:50 PM