January 13, 2006
Things I Should Be Able To Do
Don't you hate when you forget how to do something that you've been doing for 99% of your life?
Like swallowing. You're drinking your milk, washing down that Ho-Ho, and all of a sudden, you're not sure which tube the milk goes down. Do liquids go into my body via the same tube as solids? That makes no sense, since they exit my body via different shutes! What do I do??? In a panic, you pick the windpipe and are immediately reminded that you are an idiot because you suck at something you've been doing since you were born! People too young to tell their fist from a speculum can swallow better than me! I'm a failure!
And walking. Now, I can't say I've ever really mastered walking, but on flat concrete, wearing shoes I wear five days a week/eight hours a day, with no gum in my mouth, you'd think I'd be able to propel myself from car door to office building door without incident. But you'd be wrong if you thought that because, earlier this week, I fell off of my shoe and bent my ankle in half. Fell. Off. My. Shoe. Sheer genius. Be sure to catch me this weekend in the log-rolling contest!
And biting your tongue. Like your mouth can't tell the difference between food and body part. Between dinner, which tastes like pizza, and tongue, which just... tastes. So you bite your tongue because, hey, that's never been in here before! That sharp pain that causes your eyes to water and your chin to shoot down into your neck, is really saying, "Please don't chew me up and swallow me because you'll probably need me tomorrow when you want to close an envelope or fix Boy Child's hair."
In conclusion, I'm a 'tard.
The bench will now hear any opposing arguments.
Comments
The prosecution rests.
Posted by: Marty at January 13, 2006 04:00 PM
The major consistency in my child's hair is my spit, I'm convinced.
Posted by: Queen of Ass at January 13, 2006 04:02 PM
I used to be able to remember what I was thinking of in the time it takes to walk from the place I thought of it to... to...
What was I saying?
Posted by: subtropic at January 14, 2006 03:26 PM
Dear Wenchie:
You are not a 'tard or a failure, you are my sweet, baby girl. Just cause you were born on Hallow's Eve doesn't mean you're any different than any other normal person. Just sit back, undress your favorite Barbie and relax. Kisses, Mommie Dearest
Posted by: Mommie Dearest at January 14, 2006 10:42 PM