January 04, 2006

Bedtime for Bonzo

Because I'm am old and lame and Husband has me in training to be a damn farmer so that I get up before dawn and go to bed at 9:00, we don't party on New Year's Eve. Oh, we threw a posh party on New Year's Day, with BBQ pizza and cocktail weiners by candlelight, but there were no roadside sobriety tests for us.

Billi, on the other hand, is a total party chick, so we had Boy Child and Girl Child sleep over at our house that night. We ate pizza and watched SpongeBob and spread all the toys in the house in an even layer over the basement floor, so it was a full evening for all of us.

Here is the account I have prepared for Billi:

4:15 Boy Child falls asleep for the whole one-hour car ride from Billi's house to ours. Gathering his strength. Biding his time...

7:15 Boy Child is hungry for some dry cereal, sees right past the Cheerios, Life and Oatmeal Squares and -- although he's never seen them before in his life -- immediately recognizes the Fruity Pebbles as his one true love. I shrug and give him a bowl. Hey, Billi introduced him to chocolate and marzipan, so she doesn't have a leg to stand on if she wants to kick my ass!

8:08 "Shrek" ends, and the four of us rock out to the songs playing over the end credits. Husband throws down some moves old school. I do my patented cabbage patch, and Girl Child follows. Boy Child grabs a pole, wraps one leg around and starts bouncing up and down. And, Billi, I just have to wonder -- WHO TAUGHT THE BOY CHILD HOW TO POLE-DANCE???

8:45 Wenchie: "Okay, who's ready for bed?" Boy Child: "Not me! Girl Child!" Nice try, kid. It's nigh-night time.

9:05 Boy Child hollers for me, says he's hungry. But I know better because he's been eating dinner for the past three and a half hours straight.

9:12 Boy Child hollers for me, says he wants a cupcake. What is he -- psychic? I didn't even start making them until AFTER I put them to bed. Could he identify them from the scent of the batter? Creepy.

9:17 Boy Child hollers for me, says he wants to sleep with Girl Child. I explain that there's no railing on the bed, so he would fall and hurt himself, and Mommy would be mad at me and never let them sleep over again. What -- you expected me to be above emotional blackmail?

9:22 If that darling, adorable boy hollers my name one more time, I'm gonna lobatomize him with a shrimp fork.

9:40 It's been quiet for a while -- too quiet -- so I check to see if they're asleep. The light is on, Boy Child is out of his pack-n-play, and Daisy is on the bed with Girl Child. Lucky for them, they managed to hide the keg and hookers before I saw them. All three get a firm talking-to.

9:44 Boy Child hollers for me, says he needs Husband. Well, perhaps he needs a stern father-figure to put him down. Riiiiiiight. Husband reports back that Boy Child is "very contrite." Well played, Boy Child. I brace myself for his next move...

9:46 For the next half an hour, the Stern Auntie Voice becomes more and more pronounced as I call from my bedroom such classics as, "Hey, pipe down in there!" "Don't make me come in there!" And the ever-popular, "I'm gonna knock your heads together!"

10:15 Silence. Finally. It is over. Amen.

So. Same time next year?

Posted on January 4, 2006 02:31 PM

Comments

Posted by: heather at January 4, 2006 02:50 PM

Posted by: Billi at January 4, 2006 02:53 PM

Posted by: Matt at January 4, 2006 03:29 PM

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