February 08, 2006
I'm Going To Hell and Taking Lola With Me
If Tragedy + Time = Comedy, then I feel that enough time has passed for me to write about this. I mean, it's been -- what -- a few weeks since Lola's father-in-law bought the farm? Plenty.
So this one time, I went to hang out with Lola for a whole day because she lives way-the-fuck-far-away from me, so really, what's the point of driving out there for only a couple of hours? At the time, she and her hubby were just starting the long, horrific process of her father-in-law's demise, and she needed some support Wenchie-style. So, we went to Target.
Whoo-hoooooooo! Our BIG! NIGHT! OUT! Truly we are teh coolness, Lola and I. Lola has a new house requiring much fun accessorizing, and I just can't get outta that damn store under $100 (it's like the non-Scandihoovian IKEA), so we had quite the cart-full by the time we were done looking at pre-framed "art" and holiday placemats and $9.44 reject DVDs.
I paid first and was at front of the cart (the prow, I guess); Lola paid second and was at the handle. So she was leaning over the cart and tossing all her things onto the conveyor belt, and I noticed that she missed a couple very small items in the corner, like some eyeshadow and a pack of gum.
But I also noticed that the fifteen year old check-out girl didn't notice the very small items in the corner. Taylor was too busy chatting up the cart-fetcher to pay much attention to anything else. (Not to be confused with the fart-catcher, of course.)
Now, normally, I'm not a thief. I only steal hearts. (Hee!) But I knew how much it would freak-out Lola, so I pretended not to notice the very small items in the corner.
Lola checked out, and Taylor put her bags on top of the very small items in the corner. In the parking lot, Lola was putting her bags in her car, so I gasped and pointed in the cart.
"Lola, you shoplifted!"
"WHAT?! Oh my God! Should I go back and pay for them?"
I was laughing too hard to answer. I snagged another soul for you, O Dark Lord, Father of Lies!
A few days later, I received the following email from Lola.
"You will be amused to know that my sister-in-law and I shoplifted a bag of Skittles from Target, which we found just as I was telling her about my last shoplifting experience. Apparently, I'm dealing with this time of extraordinary family crisis by resorting to crime."
Next time we hang out, I'll tell her the speed limit is 35 while we're in a 25 mph zone! MWAH HA HAAAAAAAAA!
[Please send all hate mail to stealingiswrong@analmail.com.]
Comments
Who else could accompany me on my journey to the Dark Side?
Posted by: Lola, apprentice to Darth Wenchie at February 8, 2006 02:57 PM
For shame, for shame!!!
Eh. Once I was trying on a pair of shoes at Target, and was walking around in them. I walked right out without paying for them, and left my other shoes behind. Never realized it until I got home.
Posted by: Queen of Ass at February 8, 2006 03:03 PM