February 09, 2006
Eatery B
Wow, I guess we've been at this new office space for over two years now. Our old digs were harrrrrrrible. Beige and grey and off-white. Ack! And when the G.M. asked all of us peons what colors we'd like in the new office, we were like:
"Blue!"
"Mauve!"
"Sage green!"
"NO BEIGE!"
So what's the color theme of our new office? Tan and olive drab. I shit you not. It's like a cruel joke. And people wonder why I have a Hello Kitty! and a Barbie calendar in my cube. FOR THE COLOR, PEOPLE!
Anyhoo, on the bright side, we are walking distance from one of the country's BEST indoor malls, and thus, many fine eateries. There's one, in particular, that we have been frequenting every Friday at 11:30 because it's just right across the parking lot from us. And we're lazy.
They have good BBQ pulled pork, and lots of TVs, and crack-whore waitresses in retro-harvest-wheat polo shirts. It's a decent place, and I guess we became "regulars," even though' no one recognized us even one our ONE BILLIONTH VISIT!
Oft-heard phrases at Eatery A:
"Have you been here before?"
"Oh, good, then you know about our BBQ sauces?"
"Did you want to start with some of our famous cornbread?"
"Can I start you off with a couple of margaritas?"
"Are you under any time constraints for lunch?"
"Be sure to save room for our fresh cinnamon donuts!"
Seriously, I could work there ane not need any training. Not that I'm sure anyone gets any training there. Oh! You may remember this post about our favorite employee, Danny, whom we're pretty sure was killed and served to us. His biceps alone could feed our entire office.
Anyhoo, a couple months ago, another restaurant went up right across the street from Eatery A, with a very similar name -- Eatery B. I wondered why someone would put a restaurant of a specific genre right by one of the same genre. Seems like bad planning, ya know?
But Nicholle and I got brave and tried it last week, and OH MY GOD EATERY A SUCKS ASS COMPARED TO THIS PLACE!
The nachos are an anal-retentive's dream. Each nacho has four BIG chunks of chicken on it and it covered edge-to-edge with cheese. We're talkin' individually handmade nachos here, folks! With all the accoutrements on the side, so one can assemble them exactly to one's specifications.
Clearly, I'm a picky, picky eater. Seriously, I'm a nightmare. I don't like mushrooms, cilantro, bananas, jalapeños, olives, onions of any kind, asparagus, yogurt, raisins, peppers of any color, pork, potatoes. In any given restaurant, I can find about, oh, two or three things I would even consider eating.
But on the menu of Eatery B? I found, like, a dozen things I would eat with a smile on my face and a song in my heart! And that's not even including the dessert page!
The floors are hardwood, the walls are stone and not covered in that Bennigan's-esque "whimsical" random crap. There are gently crackling fires instead of ESPN. There's natural light. The napkins are like Viva paper towels instead of gas station toilet paper.
And the wait staff! All 20-25 year old attractive, nubile females dressed tastefully in all black. The managers? Male and gay -- just the way I like 'em!
Nicholle and I go there, and it's like we're at Disneyworld. It's like when Dorothy and her friends finally make it out of the haunted forest and see the Emerald City for the first time! It's like when Elwood is picking up Jake from Joliet Prison, and the doors open, and the light is silhouetting Jake as he walks to the car!
We cooed and whimpered and fawned throughout the entire meal. We are so Eatery B's bitches!
And then. After lunch, on the way out. I had to use the bathroom. Because God forbid my acorn-sized bladder should let me cross a parking lot AND a street after finishing off 16 oz. of Diet Coke.
I walked into the bathroom, took one look around, and went back to get Nicholle, who was standing by the hostess desk.
"Nicholle! You have to see this bathroom!"
The manager and hostess at the desk gave us funny looks.
Nicholle explained, "You don't understand how much we love this place more than Eatery A!"
The bathroom is like a religious experience. First of all, TEN STALLS, ladies!!! When was the last time you were at a restaurant with ten stalls?
And the decor? I would move in! Slate tiles in dark earth-tones. Twenty feet of mirrors. Stalls with actual walls between them and not just flimsy partitions. Stall doors of varnished wood with real doorknobs. And best of all -- the auto-flushing toilets flush at the perfect time!
Yeah, Eatery A can kiss my big, white, winter-dry butt.
Comments
Sounds like an upgrade... hoorah for anal-retentive nachoes! I guess you can't say where it is, tho. BUmmer.
Posted by: David N. Scott at February 9, 2006 02:16 PM
Wish I could go!!!
Posted by: Queen of Ass at February 13, 2006 11:00 AM
wait.. so why go to A with it's good BBQ pulled pork if you don't eat pork?
Posted by: jenn at February 23, 2006 11:11 AM