March 10, 2006
Putting the "Fun" in Funeral
Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to mock death and suffering, and to find the lighter side of family tragedy. If you're particularly sensitive to this sort of thing, re-read "It's Berry Awesome!" instead -- it's one of my favs.
So a friend of mine, whom I will call Bob in order to protect... well, him, had to attend a wake and funeral yesterday. It was for his uncle-in-law, who swallowed a .22 rifle. On the couch. While his wife was in the basement. Boy, that'll teach 'er, eh? Asshole.
Normally, this sort of occassion would call for Mrs. Bob to step in, it being her crazy family and all. But Mrs. Bob has wrecked two cars in as many years, making Bob a tad uncomfortable with the thought of her making the five-hour drive downstate.
So Bob bravely volunteered to drive his eldery mother-in-law and her even-more-elderly sister the five hours. Each way. To the funeral. And this was no "Driving Miss Daisy," no, no, no -- this was Driving Miss Morose-y and Miss Never-Shut-Up-y. I'm gonna perform a couple miracles in Bob's name, and he'll be a saint before Christmas -- watch for it!
When you're at a funeral where the only people you know are annoying and weird, and you didn't really know the deceased, there's not much else to do but textmessage the Wench. Especially since there was no food. (For which I'm having the widow excommunicated from the Lutheran church. No hamsalad sammiches?! NO JELLO?!?!)
So he wrote me about their five-hour conversation in the car:
Suicide.
Depression.
Suicide
Depression
Suicide.
The Great Depression.
Suicide.
Depression.
And he wrote me about how the widow still has the same bouffant hair-do she had in the 60's, and the last funeral she was at, she left in the deceased's car.
And then he's like, "OMG, the casket has DEER on it!" And I'm all, "Dude, you have to take a picture with your phone and send it to me!"
So he did.
No, Heather, he did not take a photo of the corpse.
Comments
what? no corpse photo? but I wanted to see the wax facial reconstruction !!!!!
Posted by: heather at March 10, 2006 03:01 PM
I'm trying really hard not to be tasteless here.
Still trying.
Posting this so I don't ... must fight it...
Wow. Just, wow.
Posted by: Celtic Elff at March 10, 2006 05:05 PM
Wait a minute -- I happen to know Bob, and I guarantee that Sainthood is completely out of the question.
Though he should definitely get something for his efforts. I'm thinkin' you drag him down to Peoria and meet me at Big Al's and we buy him a lap dance.
Posted by: Uncle Twitchy at March 10, 2006 05:15 PM
Heather is a total sicko!
Posted by: matt at March 12, 2006 03:07 PM
Well, in the interest of full disclosure, there was no food at the wake. At the funeral itself, (which was even more bizarre than the wake) I was able to experience the full experience that was a Lutheran Church Basement luncheon. Five (count 'em, five!) different kinds of jello salad.
And personally, I think that we should buy the Wench a lapdance. That would be a sight to comfort me in my old age...
Posted by: "Bob" at March 12, 2006 07:43 PM
Where were you when I had to attend the funeral of my friend J's dad? At the one-hour mark, my Radio Brain started playing show tunes from "The Rocky Horror Picture Show" just so I could make my SAN checks and keep awake.
-Lori
Posted by: Lori at March 13, 2006 12:30 PM
How did he get the picture of the deer without attracting attention?
Posted by: Queen of Ass at March 13, 2006 08:18 PM
Hell, I could have been wearing a pink tutu and a jester's hat and I wouldn't have attracted attention at this freak show...
Posted by: "Bob" at March 14, 2006 01:26 PM
ok. i know this is completely inappropriate but dude. the deer? cracked my shit UP! and that takes some doing these days.
Posted by: minnie at March 14, 2006 05:28 PM