March 09, 2006
Sleep Study: Part Two
So, I laid there for a while, having to pee, trying to ignore it. Which was about as effective as trying to ignore all the wires banded to my skull.
I thought, "Well, maybe it's just nervousness? And I don't really have to pee? I'll just try to fall asleep."
Then I realized I was freezing cold. But I felt like SUCH an IDIOT calling him when he had just turned out the lights five minutes ago. The crappy hotel-esque bedspread was just on a chair at the foot of my bed. So close, and yet so far.
I contemplated doing some elaborate thing where I'd scooch down to the bottom of the bed and try to hook the bedspread with my foot and manuver it up to my hand. But aaaallllllllll that would be on camera, and I don't feel like ending up on the internet or something.
I probably laid there, shivering and crossing my legs, for about an hour. I'm such a retard. Some "sleep" study patient I am.
"Um, Wenchie? This isn't an awake study. Could you at least close your eyes or something?"
Now, Sayid's real name was... well, phonetically, it was something like "Howl-leder." But he said I could just call him by his last name, Hussein, because I was butchering his first name.
So I was lying in the dark room, all hooked up to wires, and I called out feebly, "Hussein? Um, could you come here for a minute?"
Of course, he was real nice about it, but I still felt like a dork. "Could you unhook me so I can pee?" In the history of the whole world, NO ONE has ever met their true love at a sleep study. The whole situation is just too awkwardly intimate and humiliating.
Hussein also turned the heat up (no, unfortunately, that's not a euphemism for anything), so I think I might have slept for a few hours. He said I did. But I was sooooooooooo tired when I woke up.
I stupidly went to work that morning instead of taking a nap. The night after the sleep study, I fell into a coma and got the best night's sleep I've had in months and months. Hmmm, didn't Alanis once sing a song about just that sort of thing?
In the morning, it took Hussein another fifteen minutes to detach all my wires and peel off all my electrodes. Ow. After they were all off, I looked in the mirror at the remaining glue, and it looked like I had just gotten the pearl necklace of a lifetime. (Mom, I'll explain that one to you tonight at dinner.)
I washed my hair three times and still had globules of spoo in it. But my sleepless arms were so tired by the third lathering, I gave up and convinced myself that ponytails hide a multitude of sins.
At work, I wore a sweater with a plunging neckline -- like always, 'cuz I'm a ho -- and after being there a couple hours, I realized I still had two very red squares on my chest for all to see. Lovely.
And I'm sure you're now all on the edge of your seats, wondering what malady has beset your beloved Wench. Well, I'm a lazy, procrastinating Wench, and I only just now made an appointment for a follow-up consultation with the doctor, so it'll be another couple of weeks before any of us know why I find it so difficult to do something that most people do instinctively.
Walking without tripping, eating without spilling, sleeping without waking up every half an hour -- there are kindergardners who have a better grasp on these things than I do.
In the meantime, I've quit caffiene entirely. Oh, lawdy, how it do suck. But I do feel better. I still can't sleep at night, but I'm less groggy during the day. I even managed to blog twice today! Get me -- I'm oddly coherent! Coloring within the lines even!
Well. Upon re-reading, I'll have to print off today's post and read it tonight when I'm having trouble sleeping.
Comments
Say it with me - "AMBEEIAN." It's heaven, I tell you!
Posted by: Queen of Ass at March 9, 2006 03:53 PM
If husband won't help out.....masterbation is a great sleep aid.
ooops.........was that out loud?
Posted by: matt at March 9, 2006 09:28 PM
What will be great is when you get the bill for all this after finding out that there's nothing wrong with your sleep cycle, only to find out that your insurance won't cover it and you end up spending several thousands of dollars to tell you that there's nothing wrong.
At least, that's what happened to me.
Posted by: Uncle Twitchy at March 10, 2006 05:15 AM
Good job on giving up the caffiene. It's done wonders for me.
Might I recommend water with lemon when you go out to eat? Makes a dandy substitute for tea and soday. But then again, you probably already knew that...
Posted by: Marty at March 10, 2006 08:49 AM
Oh, man, I totally missed on the "giving up caffeine" thing -- do you find that you remember your dreams and you wake up easier like I did?
Posted by: Uncle Twitchy at March 10, 2006 11:42 AM