March 16, 2006
"The Girl Who Is a True Miss Diva"
Um, could you narrow it down a wee bit for us, Miss Tyra? The "America's Next Top Model" girls who are not divas is a much shorter list, a list that starts and ends with Nnenna.
But I guess they were referencing Furonda, whom Miss J. aptly dubbed "E.T. with a wig." She showed up at the house with a list she'd typed up, one copy for each girl, of her rules. The rules included stuff like:
1. The best person to discuss me with is me. [The underlines are hers.]
2. I will treat you exactly the same way you treat me, or worse.
3. Do not be all up in my business unless I invite you there.
Upon first glance, yes, this looks totally obnoxious, and had I been there, I would have been mocking Furonda right along with the rest of them, preferrably from the comfort of Mollie Sue's lap.
But after thinking about it a bit, I have to admit that Furonda's rules are little more than common decency, disguised in ebonics. Clearly, the girl has done her homework and watched the show. She knows what's coming. Unfortunately, her little list isn't going to be able to stop it, as the next scene we see is several of the girls sitting around talking about the ones who aren't there.
But isn't that why we tune in? Yes. Yes, it is. So shut up, Furonda! And beam your stupid rules back to The Mother Ship.
The makeover episode is always my favorite because there's always at least one girl who hates her haircut and cries, which is awesome. Which, in turn, pisses off Jay Manuel, which is even more awesome.
Although, I have to say, compared to previous seasons, these makeovers, as a whole, weren't very drastic. For example, they made the Asian girl's hair darker and straighter. Quel surprise!
They really screwed up Sara's hair. If there are two things we learned from Yoanna, it's a) you can have back fat and still be America's Next Top Model; and b) the mohawk thing doesn't work.
Mollie Sue got the Mia Farrow haircut that went unfulfilled for Tyra last season. And she looks AMAZING and even more minx-like. Hey, is a that a tattoo on the inside of her right wrist? Kewl.
Another fav -- they buzzed Nnenna's head, and she looks even MORE feminine and gorgeous. How does that happen? So far, my money's on her for winner.
And because Miss Tyra doesn't disappoint, she took the girl she hated most and totally fucked with her. In the spirit of giving Miss Beauty Pagaent a boy-cut, they cut Jade's 'fro and dyed it yellow, with matching eyebrows.
Oh, they said it was "honey," and indeed it sort of looks okay in her makeover photo. But it was yellow, my friends. Yellow, yellow, yellow. Yellow like a used Q-tip. Yellow like the bile that spills forth whenever she opens her pie-hole.
Jade HHHHHHHHHHATED it. And the little fairies of delight joined hands and did Ring-Around-the-Rosie around my heart!
Later, sporting her Q-tip head, panties and a bubushka, Jade sat outside the telephone room and bitched about how she hasn't been able to talk to her family all day, not since the makeover, which she so clearly wants to bitch about to ears more sympathetic than her fellow wanna-bes, who have this irritating habit of laughing whenever she talks.
(Wow. That was a really long sentence. I'm sure Gina would have gotten lost halfway through.)
So Wendy is on the phone with her Mom, who is talking about the eight and a half feet of water in their Katrina-beset home.
Outside the door, Jade is all, "I haven't been on the phone all day."
Like that's anyone's fault but her own? I have a hard time believing she was first in line all day, and the other girls kept cutting in front of her.
Hey, Jade, if you wanna talk on the phone, how about getting in line before 10:00 at night? And then? How about politely waiting your turn instead of harassing the person who got there before you? You know, if you hadn't spent so much time throwing a jealous tantrum over Furonda's extensions, you could be on the phone right now!
But you're not. So suck it up, bitch. And try to comprehend that there may be more pressing conversations than the one about your fugly hairstyle.
And then Jade gets on the phone and is like, "These other girls are obnoxious."
Holy crap.
The drama continued when Wendy and Jade went head-to-head in the Final Two. My heart sank as soon as I saw that because you know they're gonna keep Jade around for as long as possible. Poor Wendy got sent back to her aqua-house, and Jade's ferret eyes will still be around to chill our blood next week.