March 29, 2006
"The Girl Who Kissed a Roach"
I was hoping this "America's Next Top Model" episode's title was some sort of euphemism for smoking a joint, and we were going to see the girls intert, bloated on Cheetos, and debating who would win in a fight -- YaYa or Camille. Sadly, this was not the case.
(Actually, this was last week's episode, but since I was riding the Maelstrom at the time of it's airing -- again, not a euphemism -- I had to catch the rerun last night.)
Oh, and I found out from Television Without Pity that the girls are living in the house where the Black Dahlia was supposedly murdered. My first reaction is that this is some sort of foreshadowing of events to come, but I doubt we could get that lucky.
Anyhoo, this is the none-of-these-bitches-knows-how-to-walk episode, featuring Miss J., whose position on this show has officially outgrown his ability, or like-ability, for that matter. And his critiques of the girls' walks are so vague, I find myself yearning for the explicit direction of Jay Manuel, "Bring it! Think of the desert! Have a thought in your head!"
So they do some runway modeling for Jared Gold, whose clothes are supposed to be crazy and edgey and intimidating and YOU CAN'T HANDLE THIS FASHION! But they're really just hideous.
(Is it just me, or does Kari look like "The Corpse Bride"?)
Jade and Jared set the stage for their still-to-come fag-hag-tranny love-fest by having a little exchange wherein Jade informs Jared that her look is "eccentric and fierce" or "strong and weird" or some such shit, and Jared is all, "Omigod! Mine, too! Let's be BFFs forever!"
Now, here's my take on this. If, indeed, you do have "a look," is that something you need to tell someone, if you are, at that moment, standing six inches away from them?
I mean, I don't walk up to people and go, "Hey, I'm a large-breasted blonde with a girl-next-door vibe." Because I'm assuming they can see that. And if they're blind, well, they can just grope me or whatever.
But if you have to tell a non-blind someone what your "look" is..., well, I think you know where I'm going with this. Jade should have just said, "I know I look like a walking Q-tip, but please don't use my head to feather your eye-liner, Jared."
The girls' runway walks are judged by Jared and his little clique of "stylists." Now, really. Are these people anything more than assholes in shitty clothes who like to tell you that your clothes are shitty? And if so, where do I get an application?
So the girls wear his fugly clothes and walk for his fugly friends, and the added glitch is that they have to have a little bejeweled Giant Madagascar Hissing Cockroach on a leash because OH MY GOD! THAT'S INSANE! WILL THE FASHION WORLD STOP AT NOTHING?! And oh, the faux-hype. I'm on the edge of my seat. *zzzzzzzzzzz*
Of course, you know there's gonna be the one girl who freaks out, just like the one with the fear of heights, and the one with the fear of snakes, and the one with the fear of spiders. And predictably, it's Gina because they're trying to make me hate her so much that I actually start rooting for Jade to beat her down. It's all a conspiricy.
Jade kisses the roach. That's right. She kisses it. Because, even though she's ugly and bitchy and delusional, she's smart enough to know that that's the kind of weird-ass fetish that's going to get Jared all worked up.
And it does. Jared pops a stiffy while gushing his critique on Jade's performance, proving once and for all that Jade is, indeed, a man. She wins the challenge, and Gina's disgust is awesomely palpable. I love how the editors always cut to her reaction whenever a scene focuses on Jade.
On the phone that night, Jade whines to daddy that the other girls "mistake her confidence for arrogance." Again? Delusional. And again? Confidence means that you don't have to shove your "confidence" down everyone's throat all the time.
[God, this recap is getting so long, and I'm only halfway done! A testimony to my love/hate relationship with the show, I guess. Oh, did I mention that Husband watches it, too? Cuz he totally does, and don't let him deny it. This is his third season!]
Then comes what turns out to be my favorite photo shoot EVAH. (Well, second only to the 40's pin-up/muscle car shoot. Go ahead, click through them -- I'll wait...)
This shoot explored the underlying sexual themes of the fairy tales of yore. In a completely artistic and tasteful way, of course. There were so many corsets and poofy shirts and boots and bloomers, I thought I was at a pirate wench convention!
Brooke was The Emperor's New Clothes, which is about a man, and then they got all up in her face again about being tranny. Seriously, what did they expect?!
Danielle was Snow Black (because you know it would have killed Tyra to have Snow White). She looked amazing, as usual.
Furonda was a big Meh as Rapunzel.
Gina was Sleeping Beauty, and the one time she looks kinda cute, they yell at her for looking cute instead of "sleepy."
Jade was miscast as Little Red Riding Hood, when she should have been the big, bad wolf. The judges practically lick her photo.
Joanie, whom the judges normally like, got panned as Cinderella cuz the up-do really enhances her jaw. Plus, her dress is totally boring, no? And where's the tiara?
Kari got type-cast as Goldilocks, which really isn't going to help her break out of the "commercial" box they put her in. What -- she couldn't be Snow Black?
Leslie was the Big, Bad Wolf. Insert "eating" joke here. Too bad her boots got cropped outta the photo cuz they were brown and suede and fabulous!
Because they love her androdginous look so much, they made Mollie Sue Little Boy Blue. Which isn't so much a fairy tale as it is a nursery rhyme, and I would have made her the Little Mermaid, but whatever. Nothing these people do makes any sense. Tyra says Mollie's nose looks tense. (Hee! That rhymed!)
Nnenna was The Princess and the Pea or The Princess Who Kissed a Frog or something. I don't even know anymore. Dress 10; looks 3.
Sara was Gretal, sans Hansel, and why didn't they just have Brooke be Hansel? LOVE the dirndl SO MUCH! They hate her face. I hate her hair.
Then comes the judging and the final challenge, which is really the most horrible, unfair thing I've ever seen on this show. I mean, I've seen them make a girl whose best friend just died pose in a coffin at the bottom of a grave, and that still wasn't as mean as this.
They had to walk in front of the panel in these platform shoes, famous for making a world-famous model fall on her ass in the middle of a fashion show. Cuz that's fair. And not at all likely to end in injury. WHICH IT DID.
Dr. Nick and his assistant proclaimed Danielle's pinky toe "strained... sprained." But dudes, I saw her fall, and girl was a lot more messed up than that. Still, she sucked it up, smiled and hobbled like a trooper on her crutches. Smart girl -- the judges love that. Smile through the pain, honey!
After all the girls were done -- some for the better, some for the worse -- Tyra proclaimed, "That was the most nerve-wracking challenge we've ever done! I didn't breathe the whole time!" Bitch. I mean, I know it's hard to come up with new and exciting drama for us blood-thirsty viewers, but that was just plain mean. I wanna see Miss J. walk in those shoes.
In the final two -- Kari and Gina. And when Tyra handed Gina her photo, Gina looked even more shocked and confused than Kari did. And, indeed, Gina's self-loathing reflected the loathing we all feel for her. And isn't that what this is all about? Sisterhood.
Tonight: JANICE, bitches! Thank God.
Comments
OK, so in all of those pictures why did they make it look like the girls just got pushed off the back of a truck moving at high speed?
Posted by: Marty at March 29, 2006 11:22 PM