April 05, 2006
Sleep Study
I am bilious with rage this morning, boy and girls. BILIOUS!
(And the reason for my absence yesterday will soon be apparent.)
While growing up, I was taught to have respect for people who are sleeping.
On Saturday mornings, while Mom and Dad "slept", Billi and I would creep downstairs, careful to skip the steps we knew to be creaky, to watch cartoons. And we knew better than to make any noise, lest there be an abrupt, angry end to our beloved cartoons.
Mom suffered from migraines for years. And just looking at the poor woman suffer in her darkened bedroom -- ugh, she looked so miserable. Even as bratty little girls, we had enough compassion to keep quiet.
For decades, my father took a nap every, single night after dinner. And then he'd stay up 'til midnight. I don't know anyone else who does this, but it worked for him, so whatever. Picture the love-child of Archie Bunker and Brian Dennehy being woken up early from his nap. Pretty damn scary.
As a person who probably suffers from some as-of-yet unnamed sleep disorder, I value my sleep GREATLY. And it has been a long, hard struggle trying to get my new family to understand the importance of my sleep and the skill of BEING QUIET. I believe it is a life-skill that should be taught to everyone. In gym class, or something.
Yesterday, I was doing another sleep study. A daytime one, to try to discern if I have mild narcolepsy. They had me try to nap five times, and if I could fall into REM three of those fives times, then that's the benchmark for narcolepsy. Apparently.
I had fewer electrodes on my head this time, which was nice. And no tubes in my nose. And the nail polish remover worked wonders getting the spoo outta my hair! Thanks, Lori!
I fell asleep three outta my first three naps, and I got to REM during two of them. Of course, then they wake you up right away, so it's very unfulfilling.
About an hour before my fourth and most crucial nap, some... people arrived at the office, which was weird because I was the only person getting a sleep study, and the doctor was not in the office -- just the sleep test guy. Who, by the way, had serious B.O. issues.
These people included a toddler. Someone brought a toddler to a place where people are trying to sleep. In strange beds. With wires attached to their heads. A fucking TODDLER.
When Mr. B.O. came in to get me settled for my fourth nap -- The Nap That Would Determine Whether Or Not I Have Narcolepsy And Can Get Treatment And Not Be Exhausted All The Damn Time -- I said to him, "I'm never going to be able to sleep with those people making all that noise."
He blew it off like, "Oh, you always think you can't sleep, but then you do."
But I persisted, "Dude. Seriously. That kid's voice is going to keep me awake."
And then it occurred to me -- it's probably his kid. He and I were the only ones there, and I'm pretty sure I have sired no illegitimate spawn, so it had to be his.
And this calmed me. I was confident that, it being his kid, he wouldn't be embarassed asking his wife or whomever to close the door or keep the kid quiet or whatever. While he was working. At work. In a doctor's office.
I am a stupid, stupid woman.
I was exhausted lying down for the fourth nap, yet every time I thought I might drift off to LaLa Land, that fucking kid would shriek or cry or scream or do whatever it is that toddlers do. Loudly.
I was practically in tears when Mr. B.O. came in to "wake" me from my NON-NAP. And he confirmed that, indeed, I did not sleep at all that time.
I said, "I told you -- that kid kept me awake."
He kept quiet, which was confirmation enough in my mind that, indeed, the kid was his. AND he was a shitty parent. AND he was the shittiest sleep study administer EVER!!!
WHO BRINGS A FUCKING TODDLER TO A PLACE WHERE THE ENTIRE POINT OF THE PLACE IS SLEEPING FOR PEOPLE WHO HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING?!?!
And I know I've way surpassed the acceptable limit for F-Word Usage today, but I'm just that livid. I'm making a follow-up appointment as soon as possible, and Dr. Sleep is getting a piece of my mind about the quality of his staff.
I spent MY vacation day and MY money to be diagnosed in his office, only to have the whole test compromised by a shrieking toddler. Dr. Sleep has one option here: Take my word that I would have slept that fourth time and give me some goddamn relief, because I am NOT taking another day off for another test, and I am NOT going to walk around tired for the rest of my life just because some parents are asshats.
So I got home and, over dinner, told Husband all about The Shrieking Toddler Incident, as it has come to be known. I was about two minutes into my rant, and he's all, "Just calm down. Let it go."
RRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You can imagine my reaction, no? The details are inconsequential, but it came packaged in a blue-streak of cursing that made the entire cast of "Deadwood" go, "Holy shit! What the fuck was that?" And I was armed with a fork.
This morning, my boss came in and actually laughed at how tired I look. Lucky for him, I don't have the energy to relatiate, and there are no forks nearby.
Moral of the story: Keep your toddlers out of adult movies, out of fancy restaurants, out of sleep study offices, and -- most importantly -- away from the Wench.
Comments
I'd definitely lodge a complaint with the lead physician there.
Unless it was all part of the test...
Posted by: Marty at April 5, 2006 12:19 PM
Oh yeah,forgot. Bilious is a cool word.
Posted by: Marty (again) at April 5, 2006 01:04 PM
I am LIVID and if I used as much obscene language as you do, I would fill this message with @$%#@'s. I hope you somehow, somewhere, some time, get satisfaction from a Sleep Test, maybe Dr. M would recommend another tester guy. Don't give up. See you tomorrow. XXXXOOOO
Posted by: Mommie Dearest at April 5, 2006 01:29 PM
'For decades, my father took a nap every, single night after dinner. And then he'd stay up 'til midnight. I don't know anyone else who does this...'
I do........firemen
Posted by: matt at April 6, 2006 08:11 AM