April 13, 2006
"The Girl Who Has a Temper"
Previously on "America's Next Top Model"... ah, read it yourself.
We open to see Jade crying -- music to my ears. She's upset about being in the bottom two during the last elimination. It fails to tug on my heart strings.
Brooke's crying, too, about... something. Pressure. I don't know. Apparently, she cries a lot, and Nnenna thinks it's hilarious. We flashback to Nnenna laughing audibly at Brooke's commercial during judging last week. Ouch.
Suddenly, Miss J. appears, and now I'm crying. He has a bunch of accessories -- i.e. gloves, jackets -- for another runway class. The girls need to learn how to unbutton a jacket while walking. *gasp* Geez, he couldn't start with chewing gum while walking first? I mean, these girls aren't stunt men! Won't someone please think of the children?!
They walk. They unbutton. They take off gloves. Brooke sucks at it, and Nnenna laughs.
I'd just like to point out that I can walk to my car while talking on my cell phone, getting my car keys outta my purse, putting my gloves on, flipping off a Verizon employee who's driving too fast and "working" my "signature walk."
Miss J. announces that they're going to meet "The Twirlers." Isn't that the name of Stephen King's latest book? Oh, please, God, let them be midget circus clowns.
Instead, they are gay, black twins in capes. Close enough. Jade immediately identifies with them. Vomit. They say "heighth" instead of "height."
The Twirlers show the girls a move called "The Swirl." Having seen The Girl Child do it a million times in the middle of the living room, I'm not terribly impressed.
Back at the ranch, the girls are pissed that Nnenna is hogging the phone. Cripes, don't tell me she's on with that boyfriend of hers some more. I'm starting to think that she's getting-off on his sickening, pathetic need for her. Ick.
Brooke waits until Nnenna hangs up the phone to confront her on a couple issues, like her hogging the phone, and her laughing at Brooke all the time. I have to hand it to Brooke -- talking to Nnenna about it is way better than the girls' usual M.O., i.e. bitching behind one anothers' backs.
However, Nnenna isn't impressed with Brooke's maturity, picks up the phone again and starts dialing in the middle of Brooke's sentence. Rude!
Brooke storms outta the phone room, yelling at Nnenna and calling her a BITCH! Whoooooooooot! The other girls are shocked that quiet, sensitive Brooke lost her shit. I say good for her!
Apparently, Nnenna eventually gets off the phone and Sara gets on. She tells her boyfriend that all these other girls have been modeling for years, and she feels like she has to work extra hard to prove herself because the ANTM people found her in a mall. Whatev.
Church fashion show! Seriously, it's a fashion show in a church. The minister says that it's a tradition in the black community because it used to be that black people weren't allowed at fashion shows. Huh. Learn something new every day.
They'll be modeling swirling clothes and diamonds, and the winner gets a $25,000 diamond ring. I gotta say, that's a pretty fucking awesome prize, man.
The outfits are black and white, turbins, flowy, scarves, heels, diamonds. Actually, kinda bland. Except for Nnenna, who gets a kickass corset. And Jade, who gets a black cape, befitting her vampiric nature.
And Jade wins, causing me to question God, the universe, and all that is righteous and true. Well, they gave her the best outfit, and she's a goddamn drag queen, so of course she swirled the best.
Jade also gets to pick two girls to get smaller, less expensive diamond rings. $15,000 and $8,000, to be exact. Husband has conveniently nodded off during this segment. She picks Furonda and Nnenna. Jade's a racist.
On the ride home, all the crackers talk about how it's all well and good that Jade and Nnenna got diamonds because they're not going to win the competition. And then they have a light snack of sour grapes.
At the house, Brooke feels bad for calling Nnenna a bitch, which means she can no longer be my hero. Because, if you're going to call someone a bitch, you gotta stand by your proclamation.
Relevent to nothing, know what I wanna see? I wanna see all the previous seasons' winners competing for "The World's Next Top Model." Who are they again? Have to look it up... Adrianne, Yoanna, Eva, Naima, Nicole and Joanie. Because Joanie's my current pick for winner, especially considering the shit she goes thru next week.
Commercials. The makers of "Bring It On" now bring us "Stick It." I am so there. Heather, you're going to have to come with me.
Anyhoo, today, the girls are doing a shoot for Payless Shoes. Just when I thought Tyra couldn't stoop any lower. They try to validate Payless by saying they're "inspired by the runway," but we all know that means "cheap knock-offs."
The girls are also going to be "crumping," which is some new form of crazy dancing, apparently done by men in clown make-up. I'm going to wake-up screaming every night this week, I just know it.
And the photographer who is going to lend the shoot an "urban edge?" A white boy named Trevor. *sigh*
Jay kindly gives Brooke a pep-talk before her shoot, and even manages not to be condescending and flippant. He must've gotten laid.
Danielle confesses to Tyra that the girls in her neighborhood call her "white girl" because she can't dance. RACIST! Okay, I'm totally calling Nicholle "Black Girl" from now on. But Danielle was just being modest because she looks the least foolish of all the girls. And while this little blurbie does nothing to further the show's drama, I felt it noteworthy because -- MODESTY! When do we ever get to see that on this show!
Jade interviews that this crumping photo shoot is totally her "gendre." I think she means "genre," but at least she's trying. Furonda must've put Word-a-Day toilet paper in the bathroom.
When the girls are all done, Jade wonders aloud "how Sara's height looked in the pictures." Ah, Jade sharpens her fangs for another victim.
At judging, the girls have to do some random turntable pose, which is not worth recapping. Suffice to say, they all sucked.
Okay, Furonda's photo is just awesome, and the judges love it. I have to say, she's growing on me, too.
Brooke's photo is hott, and I like her, so I'm glad she has finally made good on all this "potential" the judges keep talking about.
Joanie is adorable. I hope she wins. Which probably means she's doomed to be cut next week.
The judges say that Jade "photographs old," because SHE IS! Seriously, if you haven't become a model by 26, give it up. It's not gonna happen. Go work at the DMV.
The judges also love Nnenna's photo, but I think she looks kinda clownish. Also? She's a fake.
Final discussion: Furonda has a paralyzed right arm; Danielle's skin is ashy; Jade is old; Leslie looks good in print but not in person; Nnenna is bland; Sara should go back to the mall; Brooke is broke-down and needs fixing; Joanie gets a "Bravo!"
It's Sara and Leslie in the final two, and -- how the hell is it not Jade and Brooke? I mean, I like Brooke, but this just seems so random!
And Leslie goes home. More randomness.
Next week: Jade gets called "mannish," and Joanie endures twelve hours of dental work so Nigel doesn't have to endure her snaggletooth anymore.