April 21, 2006

"The Girl Who Has Surgery"

Thanks to last week's previews, we know that this episode of "America's Next Top Model" is about Joanie getting her snaggletooth fixed, and not about Jade finally getting her man-gina.

We open with contrasting interviews. Joanie says she improving and really psyched about it. Brooke says that she sucks and thinks that she's going home.

Nnenna -- okay, I'm just calling her N4 from now on, cuz NNeNNa is really annoying to type. And listen to. She's on the phone with her boyfriend AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! And they're rehashing the N4-kissed-a-male-model thing AGAIN!!!!!!!!!! And BF is all, "I never accused you of anything! I just missed you, DAMMIT!"

And N4's all, "Well, it sure sounded like you were accusing me." And can I just point out here, N4, that if he was accusing you, HE'D BE CORRECT!

Ugh, I hate those two. They make me use all caps an awful lot.

So the girls go to some ad agency, where Jeff the Assistant collects their portfolios. One by one, they meet with DuPriece (sp?) to go over them and see if she wants to book any of them.

DuP tells N4 that she looks like a transvestite, and boy, is she gonna be freaked out when she sees Jade! She also says that N4 needs to work on her flabby stomach. And I'm like, Dude, that's not cool. She's not fat -- she's bloated because, until a couple weeks ago, she was starving to death in Africa or something.

Then Tyra lets us in on another one of her cruel, drama-inducing jokes to tell us that DuP is really an actress pretending to be a modeling tycoon. And can I just add? This actress is ten times more gorgeous than any of the girls, so it's completely within her rights to tear them apart.

She tells Furonda that she's anorexic. But isn't that supposed to be a good thing in modeling?

DuP tells Danielle that she needs to fix that hug gap between her teeth, and Danielle says, "Thank you." And then she hilarious interviews, "What the hell was I thanking her for?!"

Brooke is too masculine. Joanie is too old. (Again -- wait till you see Jade, DuP.)

DuP actually says to Jade that she looks "like a dude." She doesn't like Jade's nose, and she says that Jade's whole look is too harsh. But before I could don my hootchie skirt and flowered headdress for my Dance of Joy, Jade thwarts my celebration by actually... taking it well. She's all, "Yeah, my look is very harsh, very unique. I have a huge forehead, too."

So... Jade knows she ugly? Huh.

Joanie interviews that Jade so often says harsh things to other people, that she's used to harsh things being said to her. Nice spin, Joanie. And probably at least half-true.

Jade wins because she "owns her look." I'd never win -- I rent my look. Jade's allowed to pick a friend (or in Jade's case, someone who hasn't called her a bitch in the past 15 minutes), and she picks N4. Bitches gotta stick together!

Two enormous packages arrive for Jade and N4. Inside one is Jade's mom, and Jade cries, which would have been better if they were tears of agony instead of joy, but I'll take what I can get.

The other one is John, N4's boyfriend, and I cry tears of agony. Somewhere, Jade is laughing. N4, I'd like to introduce you to Karma. N4 interviews that she was hoping it was one of her sisters inside the box. Awk-waaaaaaaaaaard!

Jade's mom gives her a full-body massage, and Jade voice-overs that her mom "pulls the energy of the universe through her hands," as if this were a completely ordinary and normal thing to say. May the force be with you, Jade.

N4 and John rehash the male model kiss again, as my brain cells leap screaming from my skull. There's a lot of John rubbing N4 while she has her face turned away from him.

Then John goes, "As long as it doesn't happen again."

*cricket* *cricket*

The affirmation he's waiting for doesn't come, even after he prompts her with a, "Huh?"

BWAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

For the next day's photo shoot, the girls have to be "brainless, living dolls" with perfect hair for Pantene Pro-V. Have you seen the new commercials for their volumizing products? Oh my God, these girls' hair is out of control! It's HUGE! It's TERRIFYING! It will take over the WORLD!

(Geez, this review is long. Feel free to take a nap.)

Okay, doll assignments:

Joanie - Ventriloquist dummy. She got to have a male model with her, and dude's torso was cut. I don't really know why he had to be shirtless, but I'm not complaining.

Sara - Teen fashion doll (i.e. Barbie). She had a difficult time posing inside a box. Um, okay. I guess the word "difficult" is subjective.

Furonda - Rag doll. Jay Manuel was overjoyed with how she was improvising. She did look adorable, and her set was awesome.

Jade - Mannequin. Eerie. And not in a good way.

Brooke - Glam doll (um, isn't that just another Barbie?). She didn't feel glam. Okay, she's sweet, but I'm tired of her milquetoast whining.

N4 - Baby doll. Okay, this was hilarious. If someone gave me a doll that looked like her, I'd cry. Jay wanted a sweet, happy look on her face, so he kept saying, "Think of your boyfriend! He came to see you! Think of your boyfriend!" And N4 kept looking less and less happy. Apparently, Jay doesn't watch the dailies.

Danielle - Marionette. She was really "feeling it," according to Jay. And whereas normally, feeling wooden would be bad in a photo shoot, it worked for this one. Go figure.

Next, the girls get a trip to the dentist for a teeth-whitening. I wonder if they always do this, or if it's special for this episode? Well, I'm not gonna lose sleep over it.

They want to fix Joanie's snaggletooth and close the gap between Daniell's front teeth. Joanie's folks couldn't afford orthodontia, so she's way excited about having her teeth fixed. I'm totally scared for her because I saw last week's previews and OUCH.

Danielle wants to keep her gap. Now, having had a gap before I got braces, I think she's nuts. I was elated to have my gap closed! But she's owning her gap, I guess, so that's cool. However, it's also a stupid move on her part, considering how pissy Tyra gets when the girls don't follow her orders and change their appearances according to her whims and fancies.

And then they showed Joanie's teeth being pulled outta her head. They showed it! There wasn't even any Parents' Warning at the beginning of the show! This show contains scenes of gross dentistry and shouldn't be viewed by anyone who has ever gone to the dentist. Gah!!!

She's also getting veneers, which means her teeth are filed down to nubs, basically. It's all very medieval and horrifying. I have my hands over my eyes for most of it.

At 3:30 a.m., Joanie says to the camera, fighting back the tears, "I have been in this chair for twelve hours. And I have to get up and model tomorrow!"

Her fears are well-grounded, as she looks like a carnie.

Next -- Club Move. Who names these things? Janice is there! JANICE!!! That crazy bitch is doing her own ANTM spin-off, you know. I CAN'T WAIT!

Oh, and Eva is with her, too. Blech. The girls stand around and ask Eva questions, like, "What's the best advice you can give us?"

And instead of saying, "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Eva blathers on about confidence. Blah blah boring.

Then comes Janice to talk to them about The Ugly Side of Modeling. And she talks about her alcoholism and feeling guilty when she's not with her kids, and I just so want to hang with her. There isn't anything this woman won't talk about, and I dig that!

Then they have a photo shoot directed by Tyra in which they wear tons of eye make-up and are crying. Only instead of having to whip-up real tears, Tyra rubs a "tear stick" on their eyes, which is akin to Vicks VapoRub. In your eyes.

N4 cried for real. She said she was thinking about her family, but we all know she was still disappointed about having her boyfriend visit her instead of her sister.

Joanie also cries for real, but it's because she just had TWELVE HOURS OF ORAL SURGERY. She is gorgeous and a trooper and I love her more with each passing day. (Mollie Sue who?)

Afterwards, she gets to go back to the dentist and get her veneers on. She looks great! She's so happy, and I'm so happy for her! Group hug!

As she's leaving, the dentist goes, "You know, what you've been through has felled many a large man."

And she's all sassy, "Well, ya gotta be tough to be a model!"

She's my hero.

This is getting ridiculously long. Let's wrap this up.

Brooke interviews that she thinks she's going home because she had another sucky photo shoot. N4 thinks she's going home because she's letting her boyfriend get to her. Awwwww, can't they both be right?

Judging. You can flip through their crying photos on your own.

Furonda is developing well. Unfortunately, this does not mean she has actually grown breasts. Brooke is too nervous and needs too much direction. Joanie's teeth are a work of art. Danielle's shots are beautiful, but her gap-tooth isn't marketable. Jade... oh, it's just too good.

Jade "breaks down" and cries during judging about being in emotional turmoil or whatever. And Tyra TOTALLY CALLS HER ON IT! Tyra's like, "Bullshit! Bad acting!" She even notes that the girls behind Jade were rolling their eyes when she started crying. Burn! Unfortunately, they love her photos.

Sara isn't passionate, but she disagrees -- respectfully -- saying that she has grown more passionate about modeling with every shoot.

N4 has the best crying photo, but the worst doll shot. And honestly, with her wide eyes and toothy grin, I thought N4 would have made the best doll. Tyra asks her if she has "lost focus." And N4 is all, "I never had a baby doll."

Which is probably supposed to tug at our heartstrings, but Tyra pulls out the awesomeness for the second time is all, "Yeah, but you've seen one, right? You know what a baby doll looks like?"

Judges deliberate, and it's more of what we already know they think of the girls, and no quotable quotes because Janice isn't there.

In: Joanie, Furonda, N4, Sara and Danielle. Tyra tells Danielle, in no uncertain terms, that she really should get her gap closed.

Final two: Jade and Brooke. Tyra saw fake tears, arrogance and defensiveness. But it's Brooke that goes home. Know why? I know why. Because Tyra wants to break Jade down. Jade isn't going home until Tyra can tear her apart and make her cry for real. I sense another Mama Tyra Counseling Session coming on.

Brooke is very resigned in her departing interview and doesn't even cry. Also? Her dress is fabulous.

Next week: Sara the Mall Girl has to prove herself. Danielle has to make a decision about her tooth-gap. And the girls pack their bags for... oh, I don't know. Finland?

P.S. Pissy and sucky are not in the Microsoft Spellcheck Dictionary.

Posted on April 21, 2006 01:54 PM

Comments

Posted by: Barbara at April 24, 2006 01:19 PM

Posted by: Hope at April 27, 2006 03:45 PM

Posted by: DreDay at May 22, 2006 09:55 AM

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