April 27, 2006
"The Girl Who Is a Model, Not a Masseuse"
I think that proclaiming that any girl in "America's Next Top Model" is a model is kinda pushing it, but I understand they needed a title for this episode, and they probably couldn't say "The Girl Who Is an Arrogant Twat", so whatever.
We open to see Jade and N4 bonding. Because no one else likes them, so they have to. Furonda is digging on her recent successes and drawing motivation from them. Chick is still ugly, but I like her.
Danielle is pissed about Tyra's objection to her tooth-gap. "It's like, I choose to fix the gap, or I choose to go home." Oooooh, foreshadowing!
They meet with Rachel from some P.R. firm who tells them the Do's and Don't's of interviewing. She hits on N4's cheating-on-boyfriend issue "completely by accident," and N4 is flustered. Yeah, like anything on this show isn't scripted. We're totally buying it, Tyra.
Some big, black guy named George is going to interview -- i.e. insult -- the girls. Didn't we just see this?
Jade talks about how versatile, and George asks her what's with the head wrap. He goes, "You look like an arrogant bitch to me." Yeah, cuz Barbara Walters would totally say that. And Jade counters with, "I'm an exotic, bi-racial butterfly." George and I are both mildly amused.
Danielle confesses to being "stubborn and cantankerous." He asks her to spell cantankerous, and she can't. But at least she doesn't effing make up words like Jade does! "Dwelve"?!?!?
George tells Sara to let down her hair or something, and then tells her he doesn't get a "sexy" vibe from her. Yeah, I totally saw Oprah do this once with Halle Berry. And Sara goes, "But is my hair pretty?" Cute! Even George must confess that it is.
George asks Furonda if she's The Queen of Sheba, and Furonda goes, "I don't even know where Sheba is!" He and I share a laugh over this. I love her, even when she's stupid. She's quite charming.
N4 answers that her best feature is her smile. And George tells her that she's "a gazelle and a snob." N4 is taken aback, but I'm glad someone finally called her on it.
George gives his assessment of the girls. And can I just ask -- what the hell are his credentials? Isn't he just Tyra's chauffer? C'mon, lady, fess up. We know he's no interviewer. He's just a dick.
Danielle needs to improve her speech. Joanie is "special" and "the truest." He says of Jade, "a little humility goes a long way."
N4 was "good but snobby." And somehow she wins. Even though Joanie charmed the pants off George. Now tell me this shit isn't rigged. Jesus Christ on a cracker.
N4 picks Jade as her guest, again, and the other girls are totally over seeing these bitches win. The winners get a spa treatment, and the losers have to cater to them. God is dead, people.
Danielle discusses The Tooth-Gap Issue with Sara and Joanie. To their credit, they are afraid to give any advice one way or another, lest it look like they have ulterior motives. Danielle then calls her Mom, who tells her it's call, but wisely cites The Parable of Cassandra, in which the beauty pageant queen was sent home for hanging onto her last inch of hair.
Danielle goes for it, and in a procedure that blessedly requires no blood, the dentist gives her two slightly bigger front teeth, so that her gap is much smaller. And she's cool with it. Smart girl.
Sara is on the phone with her boyfriend discussing her re-occurring theme. Found in mall, desire in question, must show them, blah blah blah. And her boyfriend is both supportive and funny! Jealous, N4?
The girls are at dinner in some... vaguely middle-eastern-themed setting. A drag queen enters, dressed like Tyra. People, it's uncanny. Then Tyra comes in, and they argue about who is the real Tyra, when we all know that the current Tyra is an alien who ate the real Tyra years ago.
They both claim to be "Ty Ty" (ugh) and yell and get all up in each other's face. Unfortunately, there was no ripping off of wigs. And it's all an elaborate way of telling the girls they'll be going to Thailand.
Get it? Ty-land?
*cricket* *cricket*
Yeah.
Anyway, it's cool, and Joanie goes, "I've only been to Canada!" Hee!
Montage of the girls packing their stuff, and Jade stealing gumballs out of a big jar. 'Cuz they don't have gum in Thailand. And Jade is cheap. Furonda interviews that N4 is the one to beat, so she'll be stepping up her game.
And the girls are off to Bangkok! (Bang-cock! Hee! I'm twelve!)
They're picked up at the airport in some super-custom pink van that immediately makes me think of the Pussy Wagon from "Kill Bill: Vol 1." (Why aren't there more photos of this legendary vehicle on the internet?)
Joanie and Sara try learning some of the language on the plane, which is totally awesome in its un-American-ness. Furonda is excited that she has 3,000 baht to spend, but some captioning tells us that that's only about $77. D'oh!
The hotel is breath-taking, and the girls are greeted with bracelets and wine, instead of as the cheap, dirty whores that they are. Their suite, too, is one they cannot possibly be worthy of. (Ended with a preposition. Deal with it.) I am droooooooooooling over the hardwood floors.
Spa time!
N4 is quite taken with herself and calls herself "outstanding." Barf. Sara and Danielle are in charge of giving Jade and N4 their bath. In the same tub. Naked. Danielle's not to happy about that. Yeah, that's gonna be The Bathtub Ring From Hell.
Furonda isn't happy about having to touch N4 for her massage. I think she has a touch-phobia. She rubs N4's calf with one finger. Awesome. Joanie, on the other hand, is trying to be mature and take it seriously. Furonda goes to wash her hands for four hours.
Tyra Mail! Something about "getting some tail," and the girls theorize they'll be working with more male models. They wish. I'm sure it's animals. Preferably carnivorous.
But no. The girls are to be mermaids, and I'm kinda jealous 'cuz I want to be one. But when I see they are hung upside down in a net with dead fish over some stinky canal, I'm over it. It's for Banana Boat suntan lotion. Reeeeeeeeaaally scraping the bottom of the barrel for sponsors, aren't we, Tyra?
Danielle is totally hilarious in this part. First, she's afraid that one of the dead fish is a piranha and doesn't want her neck bitten. By the... undead, vampire piranha... I guess?
Then, as they're loading her into the net, she's like, "Is that fish juice I just felt on my leg? I just threw up in my mouth a little bit." And then, when in the harness, "My uterus is flat as a pancake right now."
Love her.
Danielle is in pain but still awesome enough to earn Jay's gay-love.
N4 bemoans her lack of mermaid-hair, and the rest of the girls try really hard not to gloat at her suckiness.
Jay comments that he's finally seeing Jade's softer side, and Jade says all condescending-like, "I'm listening. I'm learning."
Sara looks like a "scared guppy," which sounds kind of cute, but I don't think Jay meant it cute. Luckily, she improved as the shoot when on.
By the way, Jay is holding a fan this whole time. Like he's Yum-Yum from "The Mikado" or something. GOD, it's irritating.
Furonda complains about feeling like "fish bait."
Joanie is upside down and is like, "I think I'm gonna throw up. Seriously. I just drank a lot of coffee." I'm poised on the edge of my couch to see a model spew chunks, but she pulls it together and goes great.
Afterwards, Jade and N4 interview about how awesome they were at the shoot. Wow, Jade's delusion is contagious. We're all at risk! And Jade actually says, "The world will be upset if we leave." Wow.
At this point, I went to pee, so I missed a little, but I they are at judging, and I think they have to talk and "sell themselves" to the panel.
You know there's nothing Jade loves more than to talk about herself, but her grammar and vocabulary are awful. N4 rambles on and on and on and on and on, failing to recognize the many, many unsubtle hints from the judges to knock it off. Furonda freezes.
By the way, I must comment on what the hell Tyra has done to herself on this particular day. Now, despite all the teasing, I really do think she's a beautiful woman. But her hair do is like Dorothy-Hamill-meets-ski-cap-meets-woven-basket-meets-Mushmouth-from-Fat-Albert. And then tops it off with a yellow muumuu. Fug!
The judges look at the girls' photos.
You'd never know Joanie was upside down and in pain, that's how good she is.
Jade "looks old." Again. She says something about being "portionable." I don't even know what that's supposed to mean. Is she easily cut into portions?
The judges are getting bored with N4, which is ironic because, when it comes to natural beauty, she's tops. I guess personality goes further than some people might think, eh? They play the snob card again, and Twiggy goes, "I think you're just misunderstood, like Jade is sometimes."
Oh, Twiggy. You're a saint. A naive, simpering saint.
They just can't say enough good things about Danielle.
The judges advise Sara not to say, "I'm intelligent" during an interview. Or ever, really. But they like her.
Furonda is "too dressy" today. She wore a sparkly, black dress to panel and gets spanked for it. Wait, didn't Brooke just get the axe for not looking like a model in person? Make up your fucking minds, people!
Deliberations. Here are a few quotable quotes:
Nigel re: Jade -- "She told us not to judge a book by its cover. But sometimes the cover is more interesting than the contents."
Tyra re: Danielle -- "She's the one to watch."
Twiggy re: Jade -- "I'm afraid of her! Don't leave me in a room with Jade!"
Staying: Danielle, Jade, Sara and Joanie. Final two: Furonada and N4.
Furonda has gone from ugly to pretty, N4 has gone from pretty to boring. And snobby.
Furonda stays. Wow. I mean, I'm happy, but that seems to defy some law of nature, no?
Well, so long, snob! Jade is all alone now. Tear.
Next week: Tempers flair. At Jade. Duh. And someone takes a trip to the E.R.! Cool!
Comments
Just for the record, I don't watch T.V.
But I *do* love reading your summations. Rock on!
Posted by: Celtic Elff at April 27, 2006 06:40 PM
It's getting more and more thrilling each week:
My comments:
DANIELLE's mermaid shot was undeniably gorgeous. It's her forte and very effortless for her. Her COUNTRY-PERSONALITY lightens up the judges. Her pictures have been great and her walk too.
FURONDA's presence cannot be sold. Her improvement has come a LONG way but will it still continue for the coming weeks? Her mermaid pic for me was FINE-not good, not bad.
JADE has been strongly tough throughout the weeks. Always in the bottom, but gets the chance to stay.Beautiful pictures but it's not portraying Jade's persona.Nobody will be convinced for her being arrogant and defensive.
JOANIE is the girl to llok at for the coming weeks. Jamming personality, intense portfolios, and has a signature walk.I thought she had the best mermaid shot.She has this charm and pure determination.Together with danielle, they'll rock it in a Thai Fashion Show Fianle-hopefully.
SARA tries very hard but it's not enough. Her results all throughout are satisfactory.She sure is a whiz, but a model needs more than that.She has the complete package but her best and desire for modelling is yet to be proven.
Posted by: Iyoy at May 1, 2006 04:25 AM
I'm gay. and darryl is my gay lover. we like to make love in the park.
sincerally t.d.
Posted by: t.d.. at May 19, 2006 04:33 PM