April 28, 2006
"The Girl Who Is Going To the Moon"
This was the mid-season episode of "America's Next Top Model" meant to get any new-comers up-to-date. ANTM Cliff Notes, I guess. Frankly, there was way too much old footage and not enough new. I won't recap the whole thing -- just give you some highlights.
We open with a voiceover from Tyra about how hard modeling is, while we get footage of her in various Victoria's Secret runway shows. Shameless self-promotion. I'm surprised she didn't include clips from her talk show.
Janice tells Brooke, "You need to groom yourself a little bit more." Hee! Mean, but true.
Apparently, there are photos from Nigel's modeling days in the ANTM house, and the girls are drooling over them. Funny I never noticed those photos before.
Kathy squeals over finding Campbell's Chicken Noodle soup in the ANTM pantry because she luuuuuuuuuuuves chicken noodle soup. Kathy who? Yes, exactly.
Jade tries to tell someone how to spell "etcetera." E-X-Z-E-D-E-R-A. Um, Jade? READ. A. BOOK.
Danielle gets her moustache waxed. Ouch. Hee! Fem-stache!
Joanie reads Furonda's Rules in a Furonda accent, while Furonda laughs her ass off. I love these two. Can Tyra please produce a spin-off where these two are roommates and trying to make it on their own in the big city?
So tired of Jade's butt-cheeks-and-pashmina look.
Joanie says of her, "She says she's not from this planet. I think I believe her." Furonda chimes in with, "I think she's bi-polar." Do you think they'd come to my house for a sleepover?
Jade says, "I am America's Next Top Model. Reconize!" *sigh* Reconize. I wonder if Jade would reconize a dictionary, if I showed one to her. Or any book, really.
Kari confesses to the girls that she was really fat as a little girl and looked just like Miss Piggy. They show some photos, and she's not entirely exaggerating. Altho' she's still cute as a basket of puppies.
Gina bites. And I don't mean that Gina sucks or Gina is mean. I mean she literally bites. People. On their bodies. As a sign of affection. Clip montage of her chewing on Danielle like a McNugget. Joanie goes, "What page are you on, honey?" Have I mentioned that I love Joanie?
The girls sit around on their beds talking about how they can't believe Kari was sent home instead of Gina. In front of Gina. And Gina agrees with them. Gina, can you introduce Jade to Reality, please?
Interview of Jade saying, "I don't like drama. I come with humbleness." I have never heard such blatant lies in my life. Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhate Jade.
Gina and Jade fight. Jade, of course, assumes Gina is intimidated by her beauty. Gina goes, "I'm intimidated by your ignorance!" Hee! Doesn't really make sense, but I like it. Joanie tells Gina she's proud of her, and I think we all know how I feel about Joanie.
Oh. Clip of Gina talking smack about Jade to the male models. Somehow, that strikes me as uncool. I mean, sure, the other girls know what's going on because they're all in the same house. But did she really have to drag outsiders into it?
N4 tries to tell us that she was thinking of her boyfriend when she was kissing the male model. HA! If anything, she was thinking, "Man, he's a way better kisser than my boyfriend! Quieter, too!"
Jay stops by the ANTM house for breakfast and is appalled by the smell. Yeah, these girls are PIGS. He makes them clean up a bit, and then he leaves, telling them he'd rather get breakfast at the drive-thru. One of the girls whispers that Jay is obsessive-compulsive. Because he thinks the kitchen shouldn't smell like rotting food. Danielle and Joanie clean the kitchen, so of course I'm inviting Danielle to my sleepover, too.
We see Jade's Cover Girl commercial again, where Jay calls her a drag queen and she drops the F-Bomb. Good times. Have I mentioned that I hate Jade? Cuz I really do.
Furonda imitates N4 on the phone. "John. I didn't... John. Why can't... John. John! John!" Pure. Awesome.
Then the real N4 and John are on the phone, and he whips out such classics as, "Baby, I'm your love punching bag," and, "You're sending me to an emotional grave." Because pathetic whining is such a turn-on.
We see the post-Krump photo shoot Krump dance contest, where people are "served" and they "bring it." I'm unclear as to what the rules to this contest are exactly, but I'm pretty sure there are no winners.
We then get a montage of Jade making up words. "Dwelve." "Withhandle." "Derrogativeness." "Considerating." "Brunetteness." And one I wrote down that I can't decipher, for obvious reasons.
Danielle doesn't know what a marionette is and finds out from Jay. Then she's all like, "Why couldn't he just say 'puppet with strings'? Then I'd know exactly what he's talking about. Why does he have to get all fancy and say marionette? Who says marionette?"
Joanie uses the dummy to voice her lust for Nigel Barker. Joanie has found an outlet. She loves the dummy and wants to take it home.
More dentistry! Yeah, cuz that's what the show was missing.
Danielle messes with Jade while Jade is under the teeth-whitening lamp. She uses the little spit-suction thing to suction Jade's head. Hee!
And that's pretty much it. We never really find out which girl is going to the moon or why.
Comments
Looking at Joanie's info, she's my fave because (1) Futurama, (2) Goonies, and (3) Japanese food.
C'mon Joanie!
Posted by: Celtic Elff at April 28, 2006 08:15 PM